Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 31, 2009
- President Obama flew to Europe today, for the first overseas trip of his administration. I guess SOMEONE can still afford airfare in these tough economic times.
- The FDA now says Americans should avoid pistachios after yet another salmonella outbreak. Man, that is just nuts. I’m sorry, I know that’s a terrible joke, but all of us here at Late Night are really shell-shocked about this.
- A new musical is coming to broadway, based on the hit Green Day song “American Idiot.” It’ll be subtitled, “The Paris Hilton Story.”
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Tags: American Idiot, Barack Obama, broadway, economy, FDA, Green Day, jokes, nuts, Paris Hilton, pistachios, salmonella
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 31, 2009
The show is old enough to drink now! If you count days as years. And consider the show a human being subject to the laws of the United States.
Which I think we can all agree, we should do.
Anyway, I’m in LA this week, so the jokes will be posted a little later each day, and with a little less time for me to spend on them.
With that ringing endorsement, some joke ideas for tonight’s show:
- More than 100,000 former Christians in Britain have embraced their atheism by undergoing “de-Baptisms.” Let me just tell you, those ex-Christians have it a lot easier than the Jews.
- (Do I have to explain that one? I don’t want to force (skin) the issue.)
- The White House forced the CEO of GM to step down as part of its latest bailout. The ousted CEO will reportedly receive a $20 million severance package. THAT’LL teach him!
- A woman fired shots into the window of a Salt Lake City McDonald’s drive through after being told that they weren’t serving lunch yet. Apparently, the woman was just trying to order two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed GUN.
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Tags: atheists, Britain, Christians, economy, GM, Jews, McDonald's, White House
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 27, 2009
- The FAA wants to keep information about birds that crash into airplanes a secret from the public. And from birds.
- Singer Rihanna has gotten several new tattoos of guns. In a related story, Chris Brown got a tattoo of his own fists.
- Dane Cook’s half-brother is in jail, accused of stealing millions of dollars from the comedian. So THAT’S where the money for his comedy lessons went!
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Tags: airplanes, birds, Chris Brown, Dane Cook, FAA, jokes, Rihanna, tattoos
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 26, 2009
I am really happy with today’s batch of jokes. If you’re Jimmy Fallon, and you’re happy with these jokes too, feel free to hire me. (See the URL.)
- A new study has found that male circumcision helps prevent 2 STDs. And that’s just the tip of the — you know.
- A new website will feature more than ninety years of notes from various birdwatchers. The URL is TheMostBoringSiteOnTheEntireInternet.com.
- A US billionaire made history this week by becoming the first person ever to make TWO trips as a tourist into space. But you can tell we’re in a recession, because his seat on the space shuttle was in Business class. Yeah he couldn’t spring for First. And I hear the in-flight meals on the spaceship aren’t that great — the ice cream tastes like cardboard.
- President Obama conducted an online town hall meeting today, answering questions submitted by people on the Internet. Some of his most newsworthy answers were, “No, I don’t need Viagra,” “No, I’m not interested in claiming my Nigerian inheritance,” and “Yes, I will be your friend on Facebook.”
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Tags: Barack Obama, billionaire, bird watching, birds, circumcision, economy, Facebook, ice cream, Internet, jokes, penis, space, STDs, Viagra
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 25, 2009
My latest batch of monologue jokes. Jimmy — call me!
- Breaking news: The economy still sucks. The Metropolitan Transportation Agency has decided to raise subway fares, and cut some service here in New York. Yeah, as part of the cutbacks, they’re going to stop piping in that delicious “old urine” smell, which is a real shame.
- HBO is prepping a movie about Bill and Hillary Clinton. Julianne Moore’s playing Hillary, and for Bill Clinton, they wanted to find the perfect man for the role, so they cast Ron Jeremy. The resemblance is striking.
- A British teenager painted a giant penis on the roof of his parents’ house, hoping it would be seen using Google Earth. But the teenager was, in fact, an even bigger dick.
- President Obama is taking questions from Internet surfers on WhiteHouse.gov. So far, the top questions are: “A/S/L?” and “Will you follow me on Twitter?”
- The Post Office today warned congress that they’re billions of dollars in debt, and could go completely bankrupt this year, or need to layoff thousands of postal workers. Yeah, because that’s just what we need: Thousands of disgruntled postal employees. What could possibly go wrong?
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Tags: Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, economy, Hillary Clinton, Internet, layoffs, New York, Postal Service, Ron Jeremy, subway, Twitter
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 24, 2009
More jokes for Jimmy’s monologue. Jimmy, you can always email me at my first initial (“L”) at lexfriedman.com, if you and your team decide you’d like to hire me.
- Did you see this story? It’s unbelievable: An eighth-grader in Florida was suspended from the school bus for — this is true — passing especially rancid flatulence. It gives a whole new meaning to the term “gas crisis.” Asked about his suspension, the student said: “Man, this stinks.” But we don’t know what he was referring to.
- New York Senator Charles Schumer has changed his mind, and now supports gay marriage. In a related story, Senator Charles Schumer and his longtime roommate Bob are taking an extended vacation in Vermont.
- A woman in California used a fake ID and a fake check to get breast implants. Investigators say that they can’t wait to get their hands on this case.
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Tags: California, Charles Schumer, fake breasts, flatulence, Florida, gas, gay marriage, school, Vermont
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 23, 2009
Wow. 16 shows. Feels like just three weeks ago we were on Show #1. Here are some joke suggestions for tonight’s show, in my ongoing quest to show Jimmy and his team that they ought to hire me for their writing staff.
- Both Lance Armstrong and Today host Matt Lauer were injured in bicycling accidents today. Lauer’s bike crash was actually more serious… Now, between him and Lance, they have exactly two testicles.
- Actually, Lance broke his collarbone, and it’s unclear whether he’ll be able to compete in the Tour de France this summer. It’s thus also unclear whether anyone in America will bother watching the Tour de France.
- Bruce Willis married his model/actress girlfriend over the weekend. Yeah, she’s 24 years younger than he is. I’d make a joke about that, but, uh, I don’t want Bruce to come kick my ass. Ashton Kutcher was there, along with Demi Moore. Which was good, because then Ashton and Bruce’s new wife could sit together at the kids’ table.
- Insurance giant AIG had workmen out on the front of their building here in New York City over the weekend, tearing down the name AIG and putting up a new sign with the company’s new name. It’s called: CLOSED.
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Tags: AIG, Ashton Kutcher, Bruce Willis, cycling, Demi Moore, economy, Lance Armstrong, Matt Lauer, Tour de France
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 20, 2009
Three weeks of shows! Amazing. Jimmy continues to settle into his new role nicely, and I think the show continues to improve. I love the wide-ranging variety of comedy bits they’ve been incorporating.
Here are some joke suggestions for tonight’s show. If Jimmy and his team think I’d be a good person to add to the show’s writing staff, they know where to find me!
- Two US Navy vessels collided this morning in the Strait of Hormuz. And I learned a new pickup line: Hey baby, let’s collide like a pair of US Navy vessels. President Obama said in a statement, “I haven’t seen a crash this bad since the economy.”
- Fred Durst today said that he really enjoyed his Britney Spears relationship. But, if you’re like me, you have no recollection of just who the heck Fred Durst is.
- Oprah Winfrey has invited Ellen Degeneres to share the cover of O magazine. The only other time Oprah shared the cover was with First Lady Michelle Obama. Yeah, apparently Ellen’s only remaining dream is to get under the covers with Oprah.
- The US Postal Service is cutting 1400 jobs, which should save them millions of dollars, or with the latest price hike, 12 stamps.
- On the Tonight Show last night, President Obama made a joke comparing his bowling to the Special Olympics — a remark he later apologized for, saying, “I should have said, ‘I bowl as well as you white people play basketball.’”
- March Madness is now completely underway. But with the economy as bad as it is, this year it’s known as March Unhappiness.
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Tags: Barack Obama, basketball, bowling, Britney Spears, economy, Ellen Degeneres, Fred Durst, Jay Leno, jokes, March Madness, Michelle Obama, Navy, O Magazine, Oprah Winfrey, Postal Service, Special Olympics, Tonight Show
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 19, 2009
I’m late with these today. If Jimmy hired me, I could focus on writing him jokes as my full-time job!
- A picture was released today of Charles Manson, who’s now clearing showing signs of his age — 74-years-old. Even the swastika carved in his forehead is going gray. That’s old.
- Two firetrucks in Philadelphia crashed into each other today — and no one showed up to help them. Six dalmatians were injured.
- A new study finds that drinking with your friends is actually good for you. Luckily, so is drunk dialing your ex and puking into your toilet.
- Teachers and a principal in Dallas have been accused — this is true — of having high school students settle their grievances with cage matches. The school defended the practice, saying it was part of the 3 R’s: Reading, Writing, and Really kicking the crap out of your classmates. Several of the students at the school are now reportedly courting Rihanna.
- Former President Bush is planning a book about the 11 toughest decisions he’s had to make in his life. Number #4 on the list is apparently “Choosing to make this book a coloring book.” It has a drawing of a monkey to color in, I think.
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Tags: Charles Manson, Dallas, drinking, George W. Bush, jokes, Philadelphia, school, students
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 18, 2009
- A new study concludes that men who prostate exams don’t actually prevent any deaths. But they’re still a great conversation starter. Like, hey, mind if I check out your prostate?
- Chris Brown and Rihanna have reportedly broken up. Rihanna’s taking it pretty hard — she’s telling friends, it really feels like a punch in the face. I’m sorry, that’s terrible. But she really is feeling blue. Black and blue, I mean.
- President Obama released his brackets for March Madness. And you know the economy’s bad, because the President is picking San Antonio to win by negative 300 trillion points. That can’t be good.
- The unwed birth rate in the United States reached an all-time high last year, according to a new study. In a related story: Pretty much everybody but you is having sex. (Lots of it. And they’re making lots of babies!)
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Tags: Barack Obama, births, Chris Brown, jokes, March Madness, prostate cancer, prostates, Rihanna, sex