Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 17, 2009
- It’s Saint Patrick’s Day! Or, as my alcoholic uncle Larry calls it, Tuesday.
- But man, this rough economy’s affecting everything, you know? McDonald’s changed the formula of the McFlurry. This year, it’s made from milk and Scope mouthwash. You have to cut corners somewhere.
- The family of a woman mauled by a chimpanzee filed a lawsuit seeking $50 million. The chimpanzee, meanwhile, is seeking bananas.
- Apple today announced an upcoming update to the iPhone operating system, which include the long-awaited copy-and-paste feature. You know, I even write my monologues on my iPhone. Apple today announced an upcoming update to the iPhone operating system, which include the long-awaited copy-and-paste feature. You know, I even write my monologues on my iPhone.
- Experts say that we’re more likely to swear a lot during a recession, and that swearing can relieve stress. To which I say: No Shi–BEEP.
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Tags: alcohol, Apple, bananas, chimpanzee, iPhone, McDonald's, McFlurry, Saint Patrick's Day, swearing
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 16, 2009
- New Jersey may ban professional Brazilian waxes. Because if there’s anything you want done by an amateur, it’s the application of hot wax to remove hair from your vagina, right ladies?
- Chevy Chase will return to prime-time television, with a supporting role in a fall pilot for NBC. In future news, that show has been cancelled. Actually as of… NOW, I’ve had this show longer than Chevy Chase had his late night talk show. So congratulations, everyone!
- New research says that some children may be freed of their peanut allergies if they eat a tiny crumb of peanut every day for weeks. And.. the rest of them will die. So… Yay?
- A judge has withdrawn a warrant that had been out for Lindsay Lohan, after realizing that in fact, no, Lindsay Lohan can’t even get arrested in this town anymore.
- President Barack Obama will appear on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno this week. And it’s gonna be a solid evening for late night on NBC that day, because I have Carrot Top and Roseanne. Yeah, you’re not going to want to miss that. But seriously, Tonight Show producers are reportedly trying really hard to book Pinnochio as well. That way, they can have the biggest nose, chin, and ears in world history, all in one place.
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Tags: Barack Obama, Chevy Chase, Jay Leno, jokes, kids, Lindsay Lohan, New Jersey, peanuts, Pinnochio
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 13, 2009
Jimmy’s had a solid week of monologues. Here are my suggestions for tonight’s:
- This past week was the best week of 2009 for Wall Street. Yeah, they only lost eighty bajillion dollars. So congratulations, everyone!
- One day after admitting guilt in a massive Ponzie scheme, Bernie Madoff has filed an appeal asking to get out of jail. He realizes that, even though he was essentially playing with Monopoly money, he can’t use a “Get of Jail Free” card, right? If they do let him out, will they have to let him collect $200?
- Ten children at a day care center drank wiper fluid after a staffer served it from a container he thought contained Kool Aid. The kids were all fine, but then the bus driver crashed because his windshield was covered in Triple Awesome Grape.
- Michael Jackson’s 50 farewell concerts in London have sold out. Which reminds me a lot of Macaulay Culkin’s 11th birthday party. Because at both events, Michael Jackson used his mouth to make a lot of people happy.
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Tags: Bernie Madoff, day care, economy, kids, Kool Aid, Macaulay Culkin, Michael Jackson, Monopoly, Wall Street
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 12, 2009
- Yesterday on the show, we conducted The Twitter Experiment, where got a random audience member more than 20,000 followers on the website Twitter.com. As an added bonus, that audience member — Bryan Brinkman — got 100,000 nerd points. Which I think are worth something in Dungeons and Dragons.
- Bernie Madoff is now in jail, after pleading guilty to running a Ponzi scheme. He actually showed up to court today in a designer leather jacket and say “Aaay” a lot. Yeah, apparently he was trying to convince the judge he was running a Fonzie scheme.
- The International Space Station got dangerously close to some orbiting space junk. But I learned a new pick up line: “Hey baby… Want to get your International Space Station dangerously close to my space junk?”
- ER is getting closer to its final episode here on NBC, after four thousand seasons. They’re thinking of doing a spin-off now, without all the emergencies and stuff. Yeah, they’re just going to call it R.
- The Iraqi guy who threw a shoe at former President Bush was sentenced to three years in prison. You throw a shoe at him, they throw the book at you.
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Tags: Bernie Madoff, ER, Fonzie, George W. Bush, International Space Station, NBC, pickup lines, Twitter
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 11, 2009
- The producers of “Sesame Street” are cutting 20 percent of its work force because of the recession. The severance package for fired employees includes two weeks’ pay, and a free toy: Bend Over And Take It Elmo.
- Forbes reported today that the world’s billionaires are feeling the impact of the recession just like the rest of us. Apparently, they’re now buying generic yachts.
- Two teachers in Pennsylvania have been accused of having sex with the same thirteen-year-old boy. BY the boy.
- Apple today released a new iPod shuffle, and the button-less device actually talks to you. Which is good, because if you buy such a pretentious iPod, no one else will.
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Tags: Apple, billionaires, economy, Forbes, iPod, recession, Sesame Street, sex, teachers, yachts
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 10, 2009
My suggestions for tonight’s monologue:
- Bernie Madoff, the 70-year-old trader accused of defrauding investors of billions, will be pleading guilty, and could be sentenced to 150 years in prison. With good behavior, he could be released right before his 200th birthday.
- A first edition Harry Potter book was sold for $19,000. And they say there’s a recession! Specifically, it was Harry Potter and the Disappearing Savings Account.
- Coolio has been charged with crack cocaine possession. We talked about it in the writer’s room, and we decided this story needs so punchline: Coolio’s enough of a joke as it is.
- Chris Brown and Rhianna are reportedly recording a duet together. It’s reportedly a remake, entitled “Anything you can do, I can do battered.”
Boom! Good luck with tonight’s show, Jimmy!
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Tags: Bernie Madoff, Chris Brown, Coolio, crack, Harry Potter, Jimmy Fallon, jokes, Rhianna
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 10, 2009
I’ve decided to make one distinct change to this blog. I’m going to focus on writing jokes, and not do the recap/responses to episodes on a daily basis. Jimmy’s show is funny, and getting funnier with each episode, and I’d love to write for it. I don’t think writing my responses to each day’s monologue shows off how funny I am, and that’s my main goal with this site: Convince Jimmy I’m funny enough to hire.
So… Jokes for tonight’s show coming later today!
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Tags: Jimmy Fallon, minutiae
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 9, 2009
Some joke suggestions for tonight’s show:
- Nickelodeon won’t withdraw Chris Brown’s name from contention as “Favorite Male Singer” in the Kids Choice Awards, in spite of his recent legal issues. According to Nickelodeon, they won’t withdraw Chris’s name, because he can beat anyone.
- Federal charges were filed today against the college student who hacked into the email account of former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin. The student is expected to plead “not guilty, by virtue of being a Nigerian prince.”
- It was announced today that Ashlee Simpson will star on the CW’s remake of Melrose Place. But Tori Spelling will read the lines for her from off-camera.
- Dakota Fanning signed on to play the lead vampire in the upcoming sequel to the movie Twilight. Dakota Fanning in a vampire movie? That setup is ripe for jokes. I can’t wait to sink my teeth into that one.
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Tags: Ashlee Simpson, Chris Brown, Dakota Fanning, Melrose Place, Nickelodeon, Sarah Palin, Tori Spelling, Twilight
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 7, 2009
Jimmy again seemed pretty relaxed at the start of his monologue. And, to my great pleasure, he scored a few nice laugh lines. Well done, sir!
I loved the line about Sanjay Gupta withdrawing consideration as a potential Surgeon General, since he wants to stay at CNN — because he just gets paid too much to keep Larry King alive. He made a few Michael Jackson jokes, and made his second Obama dis, again about the tax plan. (Daylight savings time will add two hours, instead of one.)
My favorite monologue joke was his closer, about Esquire’s list of the best dressed men. Obama came in at number 4. Number one? Hillary Clinton.
A great show to end his first week, and I wish Jimmy a hearty congratulations. I also wish Jimmy would hire me already. I’ve been applying longer than applicants spend at Google!
I’ll be back Monday with suggestions for that day’s show.
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Tags: Barack Obama, CNN, Google, Hillary Clinton, Jimm Fallon, jokes, Larry King, Michael Jackson, Sanjay Gupta
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 6, 2009
As always (it’s easy to be consistent when you’re still in the first week of shows!) here are some joke suggestions for tonight’s monologue on Jimmy’s show:
- It was announced today that the unemployment rate is now topping 8.1%, the worst level since 1983. I’d have a joke about that, but we just fired all our writers.
- The New York Times ran a story today saying that President Obama has been using a teleprompter more than any past president. I mean, I’m sure he’s using it more than, say, Abraham Lincoln. That teleprompter was made of logs. I think Washington’s used smoke signals. But I mean, this seems a little bit like a non-issue, you know? The last administration did the same thing in their own way, just instead of teleprompter, Dick Cheney just used President Bush as a puppet.
- Because of a crackdown on illegal immigrants in Britain, circuses in the United Kingdom are now suffering from — this is true — a clown shortage. Man, whoever enacted that plan must have been a real Bozo. Sorry. I know, that was terrible. But if they really do want to find the guy responsible for this clown issue, they’re going to need to use circus-stantial evidence. I should stop now.
- Some parents are concerned about Nickelodeon’s plans to make a tween version of their popular animated “Dora the Explorer” character, with longer, flowing hair, a skirt, and long legs. The new toy’s going to be named “Dora the Sex-Whore-uh.”
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Tags: Abraham Lincoln, Barack Obama, circus, clowns, Dick Cheney, Dora the Explorer, economy, George W. Bush, New York Times, Nickelodeon, tweens, unemployment