Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 30, 2009
Jimmy’s still off. But I’m still ON! But I’m taking it easy…
- There are now more than 100 reported cases of swine flu in the United States. Man, a virus jumping from pigs to humans… It just doesn’t seem Kosher.
- Vice President Joe Biden today said that he’d tell his family members to avoid airplanes and subways for the next few weeks. The White House later released a statement, saying that in fact, they’ve now injected Joe Biden with swine flu. Wow. Barack Obama sounds like a tough boss.
- Elizabeth Edwards writes in her new book that her husband John Edwards first told her about his affair, she ran to the bathroom and threw up. But that was because she thought he’d had the affair with Senator John Kerry. That’s an honest mistake.
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Tags: Barack Obama, Elizabeth Edwards, Joe Biden, John Edwards, John Kerry, Kosher, pigs, swine flu
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 29, 2009
Jimmy’s still off, so I’m offering limited jokes today:
- President Obama plans to address the nation tonight, but the Fox network won’t carry his speech. Instead, they’re planning to show a new episode of the show “Lie to Me.” Which I believe will be a re-run of one of former President George W. Bush’s speeches, actually.
- Tonight, ABC’s Lost will show its 100th episode. And for the 100th time, at the end of that episode, everyone in the audience will say, “Huh?”
- And of course, swine flu is still on everyone’s mind. It turns out that this little piggy, the one that cried “wee wee wee” all the way home — was sick with swine flu. That explains the screaming.
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Tags: ABC, Barack Obama, Fox, George W. Bush, Lie to Me, Lost, pigs, swine flu, television
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 28, 2009
The radio appearance didn’t happen. Sorry to those who tuned in and were subjected to more country music than they care to hear. (That is, “any.”) I was rescheduled; I’ll let you know when I hear the new date is.
Jimmy’s off this week, but it’s still my job to write jokes in hopes of getting a job to write jokes. If that makes sense.
- After some major changes at GM, you can no longer buy a Pontiac. Of course, with this recession, you couldn’t buy one last week, either.
- In health news, Kermit the Frog has been hospitalized with flu-like symptoms. Think about it… Think about it… There ya go.
- But man, this swine flu is still pretty scary, huh? The good news, of course, is for doctors. Physicians treating swine flu patients can really expect to bring home the bacon.
- Senator Arlen Specter today announced that he’s switching parties, and will now be a Democrat. He also now wants to be called “Arlene.” Some big changes in that man’s life. I mean, that person’s life.
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Tags: Arlen Specter, bacon, cars, GM, Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy, Pontiac, swine flu
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 27, 2009
Don’t forget that Hire Me, Jimmy Fallon! will be on Detroit’s 106.7 FM Tuesday morning at 10am! You can listen live. Unless we’re all dead from Swine Flu first.
- Anybody here have swine flu yet? Oh, who am I kidding, we all do.
- “Swine flu,” or as Alec Baldwin described it to his daughter… “Flu.”
- But seriously, this swine flu situation is scary. I mean, really, genuinely scary. First of all, I want to know who was making out with a pig. Because I think that’s how it jumps from pigs to humans, right?
- The World Health Organization today raised its “pandemic flu alert level” to 4, for the first time ever. New Yorkers are urged to report any suspicious sneezes they see on the subway.
- Oh, breaking news — this just in: Porky Pig is dead. I know, it’s tragic. He is survived by the delicious smell of bacon.
- Mexico, which has been hardest-hit by this swine flu outbreak, also suffered a serious earthquake today. Experts believe it was caused by one million Mexicans coughing up swine flu lugies in unison.
Update: I hadn’t realized that Jimmy was off this week. So, all week long, I’m writing Jokes and Jimmy’s not even on the air!
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Tags: Alec Baldwin, flu, jokes, Mexico, New York, swine flu, WHO
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 27, 2009
I’ll be interviewed about HireMeJimmyFallon.com Tuesday, April 28th at 10am (Eastern) on Detroit’s 106.7 The Drive. You can listen live on their website.
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Tags: minutiae, radio
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 24, 2009
Another Friday show. Good times.
- A report released today says that birds crash into planes leaving LaGuardia airport about once a week. A spokesman for birds said, “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” as a plane crashed into him. That’s unfortunate. I hope they have another spokesman. Or spokesbird.
- My friend Jay Leno had to cancel his shows yesterday and today after being briefly hospitalized. One report now says that Jay got hurt attempting to ride his motorcycle. Yeah, he tried to tighten the chin strap. Ouch.
- No, I’m kidding, Jay’s doing fine, and all of us here at Late Night can’t wait till he’s back on the air. And I know David Letterman sent a gift basket, filled with undercooked meats and cyanide. He’s so thoughtful.
- The NFL draft starts this weekend. It’s the one time of year that pudgy white guys get more excited about college MEN in uniforms.
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Tags: airplanes, birds, chin, college, David Letterman, draft, Jay Leno, jokes, LaGuardia, NFL
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 23, 2009
- Researchers have successfully demonstrated technology that lets you post to Twitter using only your brain. It marks the first time a brain has ever been used when posting on the Internet.
- No, actually, the first Twitter post ever written directly from a tester’s brain was, and I quote, “Donuts donuts donuts donuts donuts.” That’s apparently what he was thinking at the time. All the time.
- MySpace has hired a new CEO. I’m totally gonna post about that — on Facebook.
- Susan Boyle, the singer from Britain’s Got Talent who’s been viewed 80 million times on YouTube, was in the news today because she got her eyebrows plucked. Really. Yeah, they say that each time they ripped out another eyebrow hair, her yelps of pain sounded like Christina Aguilera.
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Tags: brains, Christina Aguilera, donuts, Facebook, Internet, MySpace, Twitter
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 22, 2009
33 shows. 38 days’ worth of jokes written for Jimmy. If only he’d hire me! And, y’know, use some of the jokes!
- Shots were fired yesterday at reality star “Dog the Bounty Hunter.” He told police at the scene, “The guy just started shooting me like a d–…. Oh. Never mind.”
- Today is Earth Day. Lots of celebrities are trying to do their part to help save the planet today. Yeah, Britney Spears tried cutting back on electricity — she turned off the CD she usually lip-synchs too. So that was nice. Unless you were in the audience.
- Rosie O’Donnell got in on saving the environment today, too. Yep, she agreed to only microwave TWO Hungry Man dinners today, for her breakfast. Every little bit helps.
- In an interview, Paula Abdul this week said that she has never, ever been drunk, and that she doesn’t use drugs. Then her nose grew by 3 feet. Probably a weird coincidence.
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Tags: Britney Spears, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Earth Day, Paula Abdul, Rosie O'Donnell
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 21, 2009
- A new study out in the American Journal of Sports Medicine finds that break dancers are at frequent risk of serious injury. Mostly, when they’re traveling back through time to the 80s, when break dancing was still relevant.
- Circue de Soleil today apologized to celebrity blogger Perez Hilton, over remarks Criss Angel shouted to him during a Cirque performance. If any of that story makes sense to you, you’re probably gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course. But there’s gotta be something wrong with Criss Angel.
- The accused pirate captured in that daring rescue last week had his first court date today. He pleaded “not guilty,” by reason of “arrrrrrrrr, matey.” (I’m not sure that’s legal.)
- A judge has refused to let disgraced former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich go to Costa Rica to star in a reality show. Yeah, he wouldn’t let him go. Instead, Blagojevich has been sentenced to watching hours of reality shows, as punishment for his crimes.
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Tags: 80s, break dancing, Cirque De Soleil, Criss Angel, Perez Hilton, pirates, reality shows, Rod Blagojevich, television
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 20, 2009
It’s another Monday, and time to write a few more jokes for Jimmy. I should also note that HireMeJimmyFallon.com scored a shout-out from BuzzFeed. Jimmy, if BuzzFeed loves me, shouldn’t you?
- Over the weekend, Madonna fell off a horse. Meanwhile, Lindsay Lohan fell off the wagon. No, I’m only kidding. Lindsay Lohan didn’t fall off the wagon — she was never on it!
- Veterinarians were reportedly alarmed when they examined the horse that Madonna fell from. Yeah, it was the first time in history that a horse’s ass fell off a horse. That’s serious.
- The woman arrested for trespassing outside Britney Spears’ Los Angeles home now says that she was just working on a new documentary film, and isn’t a stalker at all. The documentary is apparently called, “Yes I’m A Crazy Stalker.”
- British press reported that the father of the nine-year-old girl who starred in Slumdog Millionaire tried to sell her to an undercover reporter for $300,000. Yeah, now starring in Scumbag Millionaire.
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Tags: Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Los Angeles, Madonna, Slumdog Millionaire, veterinarians