Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 17, 2009
Holy moly. 30 actual shows, and 30 days of jokes from me. Actually, this is my 35th day of writing jokes for Jimmy, since I wrote for five vacation days as well.
Jimmy — see the URL. The aim here is for you to, y’know, hire me.
With only the slightest further ado, here are joke suggestions for tonight’s show:
- Ashton Kutcher beat CNN to be the first Twitter account with one million followers. But still… neither of them has as many friends as Tom! Remember Tom? From MySpace? Yeah, me neither.
- A 47-year-old Ohio teacher has resigned after admitting that she took several teenage female students to a male strip club. Which, you gotta admit, took some balls.
- Bill Murray was participating in a celebrity golf tournament, and hooked a shot so badly that he beaned a woman standing in her own front yard, right in the head. It’s the biggest hit Bill Murray’s had in years. (No, I’m kidding, I love Bill Murray!)
- Authorities yesterday arrested a woman dressed in camouflage walking around Britney Spears’ house in LA. Yeah, then they realized it was Britney Spears.
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Tags: Ashton Kutcher, Bill Murray, Britney Spears, camouflage, CNN, male strippers, MySpace, Ohio, students, teachers, Tom, Twitter
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 16, 2009
John Madden today announced that he’s retiring. His frequent co-commentator, Al Michaels, told reporters today, quote, “My heart is heavy, but my booth is much, much lighter.”
Nadya Suleman, the infamous Octomom, is trying to get a trademark on the word Octomom. Looks like “Crazy Person Who Needs Her Tubes Tied” was already taken.
Hulk Hogan said this week that he “understands OJ Simpson,” in reference to Hulk’s relationship with his ex-wife. Well, congratulations, Hulkster. This marks the first time in 12 years that someone’s compared themselves to OJ Simpson and come out worse.
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Tags: Al Michaels, football, Hulk Hogan, John Madden, Octomom, OJ Simpson
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 16, 2009
- President Obama today warned that Americans shouldn’t get too confident that the economy is improving. The nation looked up from their dinner of Ramen Noodles and tap water and replied, “no problem.”
- KFC is rolling out a series of new menu items called Kentucky Grilled Chicken, using a brand new secret recipe and avoiding the deep fryer altogether. Millions of Americans who struggle with their weight are excited about this. You know who’s not, though? Chickens.
- Mel Gibson’s divorce could end up costing him more than $450 million. Which is confusing, because Mel always tells me that the Jews have all the money.
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Tags: Barack Obama, chicken, chickens, economy, fast food, Kentucky Fried Chicken, obesity
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 15, 2009
Posting from Blackberry at LAX. Forgive my brevity.
Elizabeth Hasselbeck was hit by a bike while attempting to hail a cab here in Manhattan. All of us here at Late Night want to say, we wish you well, hope you’re okay, and better luck next time. To the biker, I mean.
Tax protesters threw tea bags over the fence at the White House earlier today, marking the first time a US President has ever been teabagged. If you don’t get that joke, ask your kids. On second thought… Don’t.
Today is tax day. Interesting, under Barack Obama’s new tax plan, tomorrow is tax day too. I’m not sure exactly how that works, but it sounds bad.
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Tags: Elizabeth Hasselbeck, taxes, tea, White House
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 13, 2009
It’s my 31st day of writing jokes for Jimmy Fallon, and his 26th show. If only he were paying me for this. And using my jokes. And my hair were curlier.
- Legendary music producer Phil Spector has been found guilty… of looking WAY too much like Clay Aiken:
- Mel Gibson’s wife has filed for divorce. In the divorce filings, she blamed the Jews. That does seem like the Gibson way.
- The Obama family finally has the two dog that President Obama promised his daughters on the campaign trail. So, even though Hillary lost, there’s still a bitch in the White House.
- Porn star Marilyn Chambers died over the weekend in her California home. She is survived by her two, much younger breasts.
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Tags: Barack Obama, Clay Aiken, divorce, dogs, Hillary Clinton, Juadaism, Marilyn Chambers, Mel Gibson, Phil Spector, porn, White House
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 10, 2009
Today marks 30 shows’ worth of jokes I’ve written for Jimmy Fallon as part of this open application to get a job writing for his Late Night show. So far, I’ve no idea whether Jimmy’s seen it, liked it, or attempted to hire me and not left a voicemail. If you or someone you know is Jimmy Fallon — call me.
Jimmy’s last day of his current vacation is tonight, so here are some jokes he won’t use since he’s still in reruns today:
- Today is Good Friday. Unless you’re Jewish, in which case today is Constipated From Matzah Friday.
- Lance Armstrong says French authorities may not let him race in the Tour de France this year, because he violated drug test rules by taking a shower before providing samples. Man, not getting to race seems harsh, though, right? It’s like getting kicked in the ball.
2 Comments
Tags: France, Good Friday, Judaism, matzah, Passover, Tour de France
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 9, 2009
Jimmy’s still off, and I’m subsisting on matzah. Here come the joke suggestions for tonight’s non-existent show:
- The Post Office is getting ready to launch a new stamp featuring The Simpsons. The “OJ” one comes with a free letter opener. A very, very sharp letter opener.
- An eight-year study has concluded that married couples are happier before they have children, and that marital bliss and satisfaction drop after having even just one kid. The study was conducted by… Your Parents. Ouch.
- French workers on strike blocked tourists from getting to the Eiffel Tower. Usually, when tourists in France are blocked, it’s from too much French cheese.
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Tags: cheese, children, constipation, couples, Eiffel Tower, France, marriage, OJ Simpson, Paris, Postal Service, The Simpsons, US Postal Service
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 8, 2009
I’m almost adjusted to Mountain Time. Let’s rock this:
- The Obama administration is reportedly investigating “geoengineering,” the idea of fighting global warming by blowing cold air into the atmosphere. If they go ahead with the plan, it will mark the first time in more than 50 years that the White House has blown anything but hot air.
- Miley Cyrus wrote on her personal blog that she’s “a lot smarter than you think.” So apparently, she’s only very, very, very stupid. Nah, I’m just kidding — I LOVE Miley Cyrus. I mean, I will, in two years, when she’s legal.
- Visits to Las Vegas were down 8% in February. Damn! I had my money on 12%.
- The Jewish holiday of Passover starts tonight. It’s when the Jews eat unleavened bread, called matzah, and sit together for a long time because they’re what’s called “constipated.”
1 Comment
Tags: Barack Obama, constipation, economy, gambling, global warming, Judaism, Las Vegas, matzah, Miley Cyrus, Passover, White House
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 7, 2009
Jimmy’s still off. I spent 11+ hours on air travel today, but I’m still devoted to giving him jokes that he simply can’t use. That’s dedication. Or insanity. Or both.
- Jessica Simpson says she doesn’t mind that Eminem makes fun of her for gaining weight in one of his new songs. At least, we think that’s what she said. It was hard to understand her with the cheeseburger in her mouth.
- Vermont is the latest state to legalize gay marriage. Vermont, of course, has reportedly been dating New Hampshire on the sly for months.
Okay, I’m tired and jet lagged. Forgive me. Hilarity will re-ensue tomorrow.
1 Comment
Tags: airplanes, cheeseburgers, Eminem, gay marriage, Jessica Simpson, jokes, New Hampshire, travel, Vermont
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 6, 2009
Jimmy’s off this week, but HireMeJimmyFallon.com is not. I’ve decided to write jokes for Jimmy each day this week, even though show isn’t taping new episodes. That’s dedication, my friends. Jimmy — a week off sounds like the perfect time for you to interview me, no?
- It’s Opening Day for Major League Baseball. So if you love $10 hotdogs and steroid-popping, muscle-bound foreigners, today’s your lucky day! The economy’s so bad, though, that baseball had to introduce a new rule: If you catch a fly ball, they need you throw it back.
- Researchers in Australia have found the actual, original Schindler’s List. It’s yellowed a bit hard to read, but the researchers have made out the phrases “milk” and “toilet paper.”
- Also in Australia, a pet dog that fell overboard in rough seas was reunited with its owners after surviving on its own for four months. I know what you’re thinking — how could that dog have survived? The answer is simple: Doggypaddling.
- Rapper Coolio has plead innocent on charges related to his drug bust at LAX last month. But his face says he’s guilty:
- A new study shows that more parents these days are getting their parenting advice on new babies from Facebook, instead of from books. In a related story, there’s been a major reported uptick in babies getting poked mercilessly.
3 Comments
Tags: Australia, babies, baseball, Coolio, dogs, drugs, Facebook, MLB, parenting, Schindler's List