Posted by Lex Friedman on May 29, 2009
Today’s show number marks Jimmy’s first palindromic episode since a whopping eleven episodes ago. Amazing, no?!
- Jon and Kate, of Jon and Kate Plus 8, are being investigated in Pennsylvania for possible violations of the state’s child labor laws, relating to their use of their kids on camera. I’m not surprised, you know? I mean, calling your kids “sextuplets” just seems inappropriate at that age. They’re too young to talk about sex.
- Just before our show started, of course, Jay Leno hosted his last episode of The Tonight Show. Jay told his audience that he’s happy to be going out on top. Yeah, he’s so on top, he’s actually higher than Kevin Eubanks.
- No, I’m kidding. It’s not possible to be higher than Kevin Eubanks.
- In all seriousness, congratulations to Jay, and to Conan O’Brien, who’ll be taking over The Tonight Show starting this Monday. Conan surely knows, it’s gonna be tough to step into Jay’s shoes. And even tougher to settle into his chin strap.
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Tags: Conan O'Brien, Jay Leno, Jon and Kate Plus 8, Kevin Eubanks, pot, sex
Posted by Lex Friedman on May 28, 2009
- A $232 million dollar PowerBall winning lottery ticket was purchased by someone in the town of Winner, South Dakota. In an ironic twist, no one has EVER won the lottery in the town of Loser Douchebag, Wisconsin.
- Lindsay Lohan’s dad was arrested, again, this time for threatening his fiancee. You know, it’s amazing Lindsay turned out so great.
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Tags: Lindsay Lohan, lottery
Posted by Lex Friedman on May 27, 2009
- Scientists have genetically engineered monkeys to give birth to green-glowing babies. The studies being published in this month’s Journal of What the Hell Are You Thinking.
- Jon and Kate may be headed for a divorce. They’re planning a new show, Jon and Kate Plus 83 Lawyers.
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Tags: Jon and Kate Plus 8, monkeys, science
Posted by Lex Friedman on May 26, 2009
- OJ Simpson is appealing his conviction on armed robbery charges. OJ’s claiming that he shouldn’t be found guilty for a simple robbery, given that he’s already gotten away with murder.
- President Obama today nominated Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court. If she’s confirmed, Sotomayor will be the highest ranking Hispanic woman EVER to get hit on by Clarence Thomas.
- A study out this week has found that racism is linked to weight gain. Finally, we know why they love to hang out all day in those loose-fitting white robes.
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Tags: Barack Obama, Clarence Thomas, Ku Klux Klan, OJ Simpson, racism, Sonia Sotomayor, Supreme Court
Posted by Lex Friedman on May 25, 2009
Thanks, Jimmy!
I realize now that the number one reason Jimmy Fallon & Co. haven’t yet hired me is that they didn’t want to force me to work on Memorial Day. I appreciate that, guys, because we had a great day with family today, and if I was already working for the show, that might not have been possible. But if Jimmy’s working, I’ve gotta pen (keyboard?) a few quick jokes:
- Today is Memorial Day. And of course, we want to take a moment to honor all who’ve served our country in the armed forces. We owe you so much. I, for one, shudder to think how weak the United States would be if we had to rely on unarmed forces. You can’t even hold a gun if you’re armless, I think. Unless you somehow hold it with your teeth.
- The website Twitter is in the planning stages of a reality show focused about the site. The show’s expected to be canceled after exactly 140 seconds.
- Jay Leno will leave the Tonight Show this Friday night. His chin should be gone by the following Tuesday.
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Tags: Jay Leno, Memorial Day, TV, Twitter
Posted by Lex Friedman on May 22, 2009
Wow! 50 shows! Congrats to the whole Fallon team.
Pressed for time, so just a couple quick jokes:
- President Obama today vowed never to send troops into a war without cause. But he added “CAUSE I say so” totally counts.”
- Australia has put the Tasmanian Devil on the endangered species list there. Reached for comment, the Tasmanian Devil said “bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh.”
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Tags: Barack Obama, Tasmanian Devil
Posted by Lex Friedman on May 21, 2009
If Jimmy did shows every week, seven days each week, this would be his seventh consecutive week of doing just that. This meaningless statistic brought to you by HireMeJimmyFallon.com. Now, on with the jokes!
- Dick Cheney and President Barack Obama gave dueling speeches on foreign policy today. It worked out well, because there was not a single person in America who wanted tickets to both shows. That’s like Miley Cyrus having a concert at the same time as Metallica. Or Michael Jackson being busy during a convention for post-pubescent boys. No one’s missing anything.
- Filmmaker Michael Moore is making a documentary about the economic crisis. He’s very upset that foods on the $1 menu now cost $2. Yeah, his whole diet is messed up.
- Did you watch the American Idol season finale last night? Yeah, that was a big shocker at the end, right? Paula Abdul spoke in a coherent sentence. Let’s try again. Big shocker at the end, right? Randy Jackson spoke twice withOUT saying the word “dawg.”
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Tags: American Idol, Barack Obama, Dick Cheney, fast food, Metallica, Michael Jackson, Michael Moore, Miley Cyrus, Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson
Posted by Lex Friedman on May 20, 2009
- Michael Jackson is delaying some of his shows planned for later this year until 2010. He’s hoping to give some of his best fans — and future close friends — time to be born.
- A Texas 13-year-old has won the National Geography Bee. That boy will never be lost. Much like his virginity.
- Wayne Allwine, the man who provided the voice of Mickey Mouse for more than 30 years, has passed away. But the good news is, they finally did it. They finally built a better mousetrap.
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Tags: Michael Jackson, Mickey Mouse, virginity
Posted by Lex Friedman on May 19, 2009
- The passengers from that plane that landed on the Hudson River finally got their luggage back — which is actually faster than most passengers on US Airways.
- Patrick Swayze is perfectly alive, in spite of rumors spread on Twitter saying that he wasn’t. But the fact that Patrick is still alive is no surprise: Nobody puts Swayze in the coffin!
- Deal or No Deal was cancelled today by NBC. It’s bad news for Howie Mandel, but worse for pretty women whose only talent is holding briefcases.
- The satellites that power GPS receivers in the United States may fail as early as next year. Some are fearing that it’s a — wait for it! — lost cause.
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Tags: airplanes, Deal or No Deal, Dirty Dancing, GPS, Howie Mandel, NBC, Patrick Swayze, US Airways
Posted by Lex Friedman on May 18, 2009
- Researches have concluded that coffee, which was once thought to be a mostly unhealthy choice, could protect against diabetes, liver cancer and Parkinson’s disease. And if you’re wondering how to prepare your coffee for maximum healthiness, Dr. Wesley Snipes suggests that you always bet on black.
- Vice President Joe Biden confirmed over the weekend that there’s a secret bunker underneath the Vice President’s official residence. Yeah, Biden said he recognized it when he went into the basement, and Dick Cheney was hiding there.
- Penelope Cruz couldn’t make a planned appearance during an event at Cannes today. So organizers sent Salma Hayek instead, and no one noticed the difference.
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Tags: coffee, Dick Cheney, Joe Biden, Penelope Cruz, Salma Hayek, Wesley Snipes