Jokes for Show #45

• The bassist for Pearl Jam was mugged last night in Atlanta. He reportedly yelled at the mugger, “Do you know who I am? Do you know who I am?” To which the mugger replied, in a rare moment of honesty… No.
• Two park workers have been fired after peeing in Old Faithful. Park authorities were really pissed off. Or on.
• The New Kids on the Block are on a 3-Day Fan Cruise. Because that’s what really old people do — they go on cruises.

2 Comments

Tags: cruises, mugging, New Kids on the Block, Old Faithful, Pearl Jam

Jokes for Show #44

• A new study has found that the air in Spain is polluted with airborne cocaine. The study also says that when you’re walking around in Spain now, you can literally see the music, man. Whoa.
• Google turned into an incredible porn star earlier today. Yeah, you didn’t hear? Yep, Google went down for more than hour.
• Rob Lowe and his former nanny have dismissed their lawsuits against each other. But you know, if you say that the right way, and picture Rob Lowe and a super hot nanny while you say it, it’s pretty sexy: “Rob Lowe and his former nanny have… dismissed their lawsuits… AGAINST each other.” Awww, yeah.

2 Comments

Tags: cocaine, Google, Rob Lowe, Spain

Jokes for Show #43

• The popular website Craig’s List announced today that it’s dropping “erotic services” ads from the site. In future news, nobody goes to Craig’s List anymore.
• The oldest-ever nude sculpture has been discovered. It’s a nude woman, more than 35,000 years old. It’s apparently Joan Rivers.
• An office worker cleaning out a fridge full of moldy food created a smell so foul seven people went to the hospital. Yeah, they weren’t sick, they just thought that they’d feel better if they could take some deep whiffs of urine smell.

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Tags: Craig's List, hospital, Joan Rivers, mold

Jokes for Show #42

• Miss California will get to keep her title, even though various topless photos of her are all over the Internet. In an interesting coincidence, Pamela Anderson has been named Miss Universe.
• Kate Gosselin, of John and Kate Plus 8, is denying rumors that she cheated on her husband — who, of course, is busy denying rumors that he’s cheated on her. They’re reportedly planning a spin-off of the reality show now, called John and Kate Plus AIDS.*

Okay, pause. I know Jimmy would never, ever make that joke. On the air, at least. But it’s funny. Promiscuity + STDs = comedy gold.

• A study has found that pregnant women are more at risk for swine flu than anyone else. You know who’s even more at risk? Pigs.

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Tags: John and Kate Plus 8, Miss California, Miss Universe, Pamela Anderson, swine flu

Jokes for Show #41

Past 40. Jimmy — call me already! And more specifically, hire me!

• Joan Rivers won Donald Trump’s “Celebrity Apprentice.” Which was an interesting wrinkle.
• Did you see the new Star Trek movie this weekend? Yeah? You nerd. The good news is, the movie took in almost $80 million this weekend, so you’re not alone. Well, you were alone AT the movie theater, but so was everyone else.
• The White House today said that the federal budget deficit will reach nearly $2 trillion next year, the highest amount ever. It’s those darn predatory lenders!

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Tags: deficit, Donald Trump, Joan Rivers, Star Trek, The Apprentice

Jokes for Show #40

Lordy, Lordy, Jimmy’s reached 40… shows. And yet, he still hasn’t hired me. His success is great, though I guess he could make a compelling argument that given how well he’s doing, he might not need me. But he could still WANT me. Right? Right?!!

• One of the nations top virologists expressed fears today about the possibility of bird flu mixing with swine flu in extremely deadly ways. Miss Piggy is reportedly very nervous after her secret affair with Big Bird. Who, by the way, I hear really lives up to his name. (I think I just made a sex joke about a Sesame Street icon. I feel dirty.)
• A study released today concluded that America’s obesity problem stems from the fact that we eat too much. And our education problem stems from the fact that we spend too much money on studying EXTREMELY OBVIOUS THINGS.
• The Statue of Liberty’s crown will re-open on July 4th, for the first time in eight years. Yeah… Lady Liberty had a really bad lice infestation.

2 Comments

Tags: Big Bird, bird flu, lice, Miss Piggy, obesity, science, Sesame Street, Statue of Liberty, studies, swine flu

Jokes for Show #39

• Manny Ramirez has been suspended for 50 games after testing positive for a banned performance-enhancing substance. And if you think that’s bad, just a week or two ago, Carl Crawford was arrested for stealing six bases. It’s a real baseball crime spree.
• Rupert Murdoch says that within a year, most major websites will charge for content. I’ll tell you the punchline to this joke for $4.99. Or, $25 will get you access to punchlines for a full year.
• Congressman Jim Moran is pushing a new bill to ban ads for erectile dysfunction medications. So far, though, the Congressman says he’s having a tough time getting a lot hard support built up. For the bill, I mean.

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Tags: baseball, Carl Crawford, drugs, erectile dysfunction, Internet, Jim Moran, Manny Ramierz, Rupet Murdoch, websites

Jokes for Show #38

• Amazon today introduced a new, larger version of their Kindle e-book reader. Amazon is really like the opposite of Apple, right? iPods keep getting smaller and smaller, and Amazon’s new feature is to make the Kindle… bigger. Apparently, though, Apple got inspired, and released this picture of the new iPod Man-o:

• Paula Abdul today admitted for the first time that until very recently, she suffered from an addiction to painkillers. In a related story, today, water admitted that it is wet.
• Kiefer Sutherland had a run-in with police last night, after he reportedly head-butted a fashion designer, breaking his nose. The preceding took place between Beer #7 and Beer #8.

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Tags: 24, Amazon, Apple, iPod, Kiefer Sutherland, Kindle, painkillers, Paula Abdul, water

Jokes for Show #37

• Scientists are planning to test Abraham Lincoln’s DNA to see if we had any illnesses at the time of his assassination. All they’re waiting for is for President Lincoln to fire up his time machine. And when he does, I’m going to borrow that time machine, and go back in time, and write a better joke.
• The first American face transplant recipient showed her face in public today for the first time. Well, okay, technically… she showed someone else’s face.
• Two pedestrians were injured when a car filming a stunt for a new Nicolas Cage movie spun out of control. It’s reportedly the biggest hit Nicolas Cage has had in years!
• There were rumors on the Internet today that Apple wants to buy Twitter. Apple managed to fit their response into a single post on Twitter: “That’s extremely stupid.”

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Tags: Abraham Lincoln, Apple, car accident, Nicolas Cage, time machine, time travel, Twitter

Jokes for Show #36

Jimmy’s back, and I am too!

Here are some jokes for tonight’s show:

• Barack Obama now passed his first 100 days in office. Or, as former president George W. Bush calls it, “about a year or two.”
• Scientists now say that swine flu isn’t as bad as scary as they initially thought. Relieved, two of the The Three Little pigs have now stepped out of their homes, and were promptly eaten by The Big Bad Wolf. Eesh.
• I guess there are things more dangerous than swine flu. The late two little pigs are survived, as always, by the delicious smell of bacon.
• The Supreme Court issued a ruling saying that a court that previously ruled CBS should not half to pay a half-million dollar fine for Janet Jackson’s Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction, should reconsider that decision. In its ruling, the Supreme Court said: “CBS should have gotten her to take off that weird nipple ring, because it blocked the view.” I’m guessing Clarence Thomas wrote that.

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Tags: Barack Obama, Clarence Thomas, George W. Bush, Janet Jackson, law, pigs, Super Bowl, Supreme Court, swine flu