Posted by Lex Friedman on Jul 30, 2009
- Debbie Rowe, mother of two of Michael Jackson’s kids, has agreed not to seek custody of them. The kids themselves are reportedly bummed, though, because they thought living with a bizarre white woman would remind them of Dad.
- Filling in for Regis Philbin today, Anderson Cooper asked the star of the reality show “The Bachelorette” how many of the eligible bachelors on the show she had sex with. Then it only got more awkward when Anderson asked her for their phone numbers.
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Tags: Anderson Cooper, Debbie Rowe, Michael Jackson, Regis Philbin, sex, The Bachelorette
Posted by Lex Friedman on Jul 29, 2009
- A new report out this week concluded that tanning beds are extremely harmful. This came as truly shocking news to morons everywhere.
- Jennifer Love Hewitt is begging for a role in the movie Twilight. Meanwhile, comedian Dane Cook is begging for a role in Jennifer Love Hewitt. Well, can you blame him?
- Congressional Democrats have reportedly reached an agreement on upcoming health care legislation. Now they just need to wait for approval from their primary care physician. So we should have that law in, oh, three months.
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Tags: congress, Dane Cook, health care, Jennifer Love Hewitt, tanning, Twilight
Posted by Lex Friedman on Jul 28, 2009
- Brett Favre announced today that he will remain retired, and not join the Minnesota Vikings. Which is interesting, given that the story of Farve’s retirement is the only thing in America that’s older than he is, at this point.
- FOX News anchor Glenn Beck today said that President Obama was a racist who hates white people. In a statement, Obama said, “I’m not going to dignify the comments of some cracker.”
- Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush have broken up. I believe that Kim did let the door hit her on the ass on the way out. It couldn’t be prevented.
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Tags: Barack Obama, Brett Favre, football, Glenn Beck, Kim Kardashian, Minnesota Vikings, NFL, Reggie Bush
Posted by Lex Friedman on Jul 27, 2009
I’ve been lax, but that’s mostly because I was traveling through LAX. Now that I’m ex-LAX, expect a daily posting schedule here for Fallon jokes to resume.
Now Jimmy, let’s not forget that as you near the 100 show mark, I’ve penned you several hundred monologue jokes. At any point, you may feel free to a) call, and then b) hire me. Email works too, of course.
- The NFL has given Michael Vick permission to play football professionally again. Which is great news, since so many in the media thought that his career had gone to the dogs. Literally.
- Jon Gosselin, of Jon and Kate Plus 8, continues to deny reports linking him with various women. Those same women, meanwhile, continue to deny reports that they have good taste in men.
- Lance Armstrong finished third in the Tour de France over the weekend, in a race that he hopes will finally show doubters that he isn’t a doper. Because remember kids, cheaters finish FIRST.
- One of the Jonas Brothers has broken up with his actress-girlfriend. But if you have any idea who I’m talking about, you’re up way past your bedtime right now.
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Tags: Jon and Kate Plus 8, Jonas Brothers, Lance Armstrong, Michael Vick, NFL, Tour de France
Posted by Lex Friedman on Jul 22, 2009
I’ve been in California for work, which has made joke-writing time more scarce. Here are more jokes than usual, to make up for my absence:
- The “Yo Quiero Taco Bell” dog has died. But his memory will live on in Taco Bell. Specifically, in the tacos they serve.
- Jon Gosselin, of Jon and Kate Plus 8, has been photographed cavorting with various women since his very public separation from his wife, Kate. That’s right: A man who’s gonna have to pay child support for nearly a baseball team’s worth of kids is still more attractive to women than you.
- Amazon.com today bought Internet retailer Zappos.com for 800 million dollars. That’s enough to buy nearly seven Kindles.
- A mother has been arrested for neglect for allowing her teenage son to balloon to 555 pounds. In fact, we have a photo of the mother here:
- Actor Stephen Baldwin has filed for bankruptcy. Meanwhile, his brother Alec has filed for excessive handsomeness.
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Tags: Alec Baldwin, Amazon, dog, Jon and Kate Plus 8, obesity, Stephen Baldwin, Taco Bell, whales, Zappos
Posted by Lex Friedman on Jul 17, 2009
First, because I can’t help myself, a joke Jimmy can’t make:
“A second person died today from injuries related to the collapse of that stage in preparation for a Madonna concert. Madonna told reporters that everyone involved with the show is truly crushed.”
Sorry.
And now, a joke Jimmy theoretically could use:
Tiger Woods, for only the second time in his career, missed the cut in a major golf event, at today’s British Open. Tiger was confused, because he was especially proud of having achieved his all-time high score.
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Tags: Madonna, Tiger Woods
Posted by Lex Friedman on Jul 16, 2009
- Mischa Barton has reportedly been placed under involuntary psychiatric hold. By an evil hypnotist. (beat) Oh, what’s that? That would be an involuntary psychic hold, my mistake.
- Donald Trump’s daughter Ivanka announced on Twitter that she’s gotten engaged. In future news, Ivanka Trump has posted on Twitter that she’s getting divorced. Technology is amazing.
- Paul McCartney says that reports of feuding between him and the late Michael Jackson were always very exaggerated, and that the two never really had a blow-up. That’s not surprising, since McCartney died in 1966.
- In a surprise development, the American Medical Association has endorsed the House bill for President Obama’s national health care policy. Sadly, though, they immediately declared that nationalized health care causes cancer in lab rats.
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Tags: American Medical Association, Barack Obama, cancer, congress, Donald Trump, Ivanka Trump, laws, Michael Jackson, Mischa Barton, Paul McCartney, psychics, Twitter
Posted by Lex Friedman on Jul 14, 2009
- Convicted Ponzi scheme mastermind Bernie Madoff started his 150-year sentence today. He’ll be free when he’s just 221 years old. At which point he’ll probably do an interview with Joan Rivers.
- Sarah Palin has been hinting that she’d like to form her own political party, separate from Republicans. Here’s hoping it’s a Swingers Party! Am I right? I’m right.
- Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor had her second day of Senate confirmation hearings today. If she’s able to provide ten consecutive correct answers, she’ll win both showcases.
- A Southwest Airlines plane landed safely after a football-sized hole ripped open during flight. The plane’s been certified safe for the skies again, and now boasts one extra window seat.
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Tags: airplanes, Bernie Madoff, Ponzi scheme, Sarah Palin, Sonia Sotomayor, Southwest Airlines, Supreme Court
Posted by Lex Friedman on Jul 13, 2009
Jimmy’s back, and I’m (temporarily) homeless! Time for some new joke ideas! Now, Mr. Fallon, please remember: The point of all this is for you to recognize that I am a) unspeakably hilarious and b) entirely charming, so that you can c) hire me before I d) lose my mind. Call me!
- Sonia Sotomayor faced the Senate today on the first day of confirmation hearings for her Supreme Court appointment. And so far she’s doing well — she hasn’t had to use any of her lifelines yet. Good to keep “Phone a Friend” in the bag as long as possible.
- As you know, last week, Sarah Palin announced her resignation as governor of Alaska. This was especially troubling for us here at Late Night, since in light of Sarah Palin stepping down, half of our comedy writers have quit too. It’s too much golden material, gone.
- A new study has found that swearing when you get hurt can actually make you feel less pain. Which means, technically, that a “pain in the ass” is actually no pain at all.
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Tags: Sarah Palin, Sonia Sotomayor, swearing
Posted by Lex Friedman on Jul 7, 2009
Jimmy’s still off this week, so no jokes about Sarah Palin resigning (I’m resigning too — resigning myself to hearing more than I ever need to about Sarah Palin), MJ’s funeral (anyone else afraid Janet would have another wardrobe malfunction?), and the like.
See you next week!
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Tags: Janet Jackson, Jimmy Fallon, Michael Jackson, Sarah Palin