Hire Me, Jimmy Fallon!

Jokes for Jimmy: Dec 19th Edition

Lex Friedman — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 13:40:34 +0000

It’s a snowy Saturday on the East Coast. And I haven’t written Jimmy jokes in more than a month. After I passed the 100-show mark and still hadn’t heard anything from Jimmy or his people, I got a bit discouraged.

But by impressively and inspirationally popular request, here are a few Tiger jokes for Jimmy:

Tiger Woods’s wife Elin may be filing for divorce. I think the real question is, though, will Tiger ever find love again?
The list of potential mistresses Tiger may have cheated with has now reached 14. Which is 12 over par.
Tiger has lost numerous endorsement contracts in light of this story, of course. And we could make a joke here that he’s signed a new endorsement deal with Trojan, or Viagra. But we’re not going to stoop that low here at LNwJF. Because the truth is, Tiger is now the official spokesman for Married Idiots Everywhere.
Tiger, it should be pointed out, cheated on his wife with many more women than Lance Armstrong ever cheated on his first wife with. Of course, like Tiger on the golf course, Lance has been playing with a pretty serious handicap.

Jokes for Jimmy Re: David Letterman

Lex Friedman — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 23:43:21 +0000

You know, before I got this job, or SNL, I always used to think to myself: Man, who do I gotta screw to get a job writing for David Letterman? Now I know!
Of course, like any good late night host, Dave’s made plenty of jokes about folks who’ve had run-ins with infidelity, like Governor Sanford or President Clinton. But the key difference is, those guys are politicians, and Dave — well, Dave bagged way hotter chicks.
Some are wondering whether a Letterman sex tape might hit the Internet. Well let me just say this: There is a tape, and before Paul Schaffer saw it, he had hair.

Whoa! What’s going on around here?

Lex Friedman — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 14:43:37 +0000

I’ve gotten a bit lax at posting daily jokes for Jimmy, as you’ve seen. Once we crossed the hundred show barrier and I still hadn’t heard from Mr. Fallon or his team, I got a little less optimistic.

That said, I’m continuing to run JimmyFallon.com, and I will continue to pump out joke ideas for Jimmy here, but I’m going to have to give up on the daily thing — until and unless Jimmy starts paying me to do it!

Now that Jon has been fired from Jon and Kate Plus 8, and the show’s been renamed simply Kate Plus 8, we’ve learned that Jon has his own new show debuting next week right here on NBC: Jon Minus Dignity.
Conan’s ratings on the Tonight Show climbed up for his first show after his concussion when he hit his head last Friday taping the show. Tune in tomorrow, when Conan sets himself on fire!

Jokes for Shows #110 to #114

Lex Friedman — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 21:31:11 +0000

Here are jokes for Jimmy this week:

Kanye West is still apologizing for interrupting Taylor Swift during the VMAs. Seriously, Kanye, if you’re going to interrupt her, at least do it while she’s singing. (I should note that Jimmy would never make that joke. Taylor’s sweet, and the victim here. But c’mon, it’s funny!)
President Obama was caught on video calling Kanye a jackass. Of course, that’s less impressive than Kanye West himself, who was caught on video BEING a jackass.
There’s a new world record holder for the tallest living man. Congratulations, Sultan Kosen, you finally have a reason to hold your head up high!

Jokes for Shows #108 and 109

Lex Friedman — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 01:10:42 +0000

Don’t forget to check out JimmyFallon.com for all sorts of extra Jimmy goodness and jokes!

Ellen Degeneres will be joining the cast of American Idol, taking over for Paula Abdul. To prepare for her new role, Ellen is reportedly studying music, and forgetting how to speak coherent English.

President Obama says he accepts the apology from Joe Wilson for having yelled out “You lie!” during the Congressional address earlier this week. But reportedly, he had his fingers crossed when he accepted it.

Ten Andy Warhol paintings were stolen from a California home earlier this week. Police have released this sketch:

Jokes for Shows #106 and #107

Lex Friedman — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 21:40:40 +0000

Since Jimmy took Labor Day off, the numbers are going to start to get weird. Until now, every Friday was a multiple of five. No more!

President Obama addressed school students across America Tuesday. It marked the first time ever that Barack Obama was in front of school children and nobody made fun of his name.
Steve Jobs appeared at his first Apple event since undergoing a liver transplant a few months ago. Apple today released Liver 2.0, a new app for iPhone.
A married California lawmaker was caught on tape bragging about sexual affairs with lobbyists. Of course, the conservative Republican lawmaker was known as a “protector of family values.” Which he is, because he’s making sure the families of California don’t get screwed — just he does. A lot. By lobbyists.

Jokes for Show #105

Lex Friedman — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 02:31:49 +0000

Susan Boyle’s new album reached the top of Amazon’s charts. The album cover is reportedly hideous, but it’s what’s inside that counts.

YouTube is reportedly planning to start offering movie rentals. Which is great news, because I’ve been waiting and waiting for “Cat falls off window” to come out on DVD.

Don’t forget to check out the new JimmyFallon.com!

Jokes for Show #104

Lex Friedman — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 02:50:31 +0000

Michael Jackson has finally been buried. Is it just me, or did his funeral last almost as long as the video for Thriller?
Doctors are studying a teenage boy who bleeds tears. I’m no doctor, but it sounds like he’s suffering from a bad case of the crybabies.
A star high school quarterback tackled a girl when she brandished a gun on a bus. The girl was immediately signed by the Philadelphia Eagles.

Jokes for Show #103

Lex Friedman — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 00:52:44 +0000

Spencer Pratt says he is legally changing his name to King Spencer Pratt. Now he’s officially a royal pain in the ass.
President Obama will address a joint session of Congress to push lawmakers on his health care plan. You just knew they’d never pass health care reform without needing a joint.
The FDA says the gross blob a Florida man poured out of his Diet Pepsi can was, in fact, a frog or a toad. That’s in keeping with Pepsi’s new slogan: “The choice of a newt generation.”

Jokes for Show #102

Lex Friedman — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 21:49:54 +0000

Before the jokes, a big, important announcement: I am now the official host and editor at JimmyFallon.com. I built the new site and will be providing all its content going forward — including jokes from here at Hire Me, Jimmy Fallon! So, head over to the unofficial fansite JimmyFallon.com, if you wouldn’t mind. Oh, and here are today’s jokes — the real reason you came here today:

Publishers are working on a new translation of the Bible that will use more modern language. The most prominent change is the new passage “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, LOL.”
American Airlines announced that it’s firing 921 flight attendants. Seriously? 921? My guess is that they planned fire 920, and when the VP was flying back to corporate with the paperwork, no one gave him his honey roasted peanuts. Bam! 921!
Lindsay Lohan is reportedly considering posing for Playboy. Teenage boys all across America are reportedly considering masturbating.