Posted by Lex Friedman on Aug 31, 2009
It’s show number 101 for Jimmy tonight, which is even more impressive than 100. Because I said so.
Hire Me, Jimmy Fallon! will have a major announcement, potentially as early as tomorrow. No, I haven’t been hired by Jimmy Fallon yet, but the news is still interesting. You might also have heard of my other site, The Snuggie Sutra, which has taken the web by storm (and even scored a shout-out on The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien last Friday night).
But you don’t care about that. You’re here for the joke suggestions. Here they are!
- Researchers at MIT have created a school of robotic fish. And none of the fish in that school would ever be bored enough to make robotic humans.
- Chris Brown says he doesn’t remember hitting Rihanna, saying he must have blacked out. Like Rihanna’s eyes.
- Much of Los Angeles continues to be threatened by a massive fire. Or, as the Californians are calling it, a massive downsize.
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Tags: Chris Brown, fire, fish, MIT, Rihanna, robots
Posted by Lex Friedman on Aug 17, 2009
I failed to write ANY jokes for Jimmy last week — eek! As frequent readers know, I’ve been moving. But now we’re mostly settled into the new house, and my normal joke-posting schedule should finally resume.
Congrats to Jimmy and his team for reaching the 100-show milestone.
Here’s a batch of jokes to make up for last week’s absence:
- Madonna turned 51 last week. And as they say, 51 is the new creepy.
- Sprinter Usain Bolt shattered his own record last week, running 100 meters in 9.58 seconds. No one could explain how he ran so fast, until they all noticed the taco truck at the finish line. No man can resist the lure of the taco truck.
- The Philadelphia Eagles signed quarterback Michael Vick last week. Vick told reporters that he was just excited to be wearing a uniform without stripes on it.
- There are reports that Michael Jackson will be buried on his birthday. Which is pretty much the worst present ever.
- Former Congressman Tom DeLay will join the cast of Dancing With the Stars. If you thought he could dance his way around an ethics investigation, just wait until you see this.
- Jessica Simpson will NOT be taking over for Paula Abdul on American Idol. It’s the first time ever that Jessica has been too coherent for a job.
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Tags: American Idol, Dancing With the Stars, Jessica Simpson, Madonna, Michael Jackson, Michael Vick, NFL, Paula Abdul, Philadelphia Eagles, Tom DeLay, Usain Bolt
Posted by Lex Friedman on Aug 5, 2009
- The government’s Cash For Clunkers program continues to go well. Yeah, Congress just paid $250 for Nickleback’s latest album. So it’s really working.
- Rupert Murdoch said today that he thinks at some point soon, all of News Corp’s websites will charge visitors. I have a joke about how stupid that is, but it’s gonna cost you twenty bucks.
- Barbara Streisand will be auctioning off some of her personal items for charity. But big ticket items, like her designer dresses, are going to cost you an arm and a nose.
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Tags: auction, Barbara Streisand, Cash for Clunkers, charity, News Corp, Nickleback, Rupert Murdoch
Posted by Lex Friedman on Aug 4, 2009
- Former President Clinton today met in North Korea with Kim Jong Il, and secured the release of two imprisoned American journalists there. Then he gave them a ride home on a private chartered jet. It was pretty much the greatest pickup line ever.
- The Marines banned servicemen from using Twitter and Facebook. In a related story, we just successfully invaded Europe.
- Britney Spears has gone back to being a blonde. But really, of course, she never stopped.
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Tags: Bill Clinton, Britney Spears, Facebook, Kim Jong Il, Marines, North Korea, Twitter
Posted by Lex Friedman on Jul 30, 2009
- Debbie Rowe, mother of two of Michael Jackson’s kids, has agreed not to seek custody of them. The kids themselves are reportedly bummed, though, because they thought living with a bizarre white woman would remind them of Dad.
- Filling in for Regis Philbin today, Anderson Cooper asked the star of the reality show “The Bachelorette” how many of the eligible bachelors on the show she had sex with. Then it only got more awkward when Anderson asked her for their phone numbers.
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Tags: Anderson Cooper, Debbie Rowe, Michael Jackson, Regis Philbin, sex, The Bachelorette
Posted by Lex Friedman on Jul 29, 2009
- A new report out this week concluded that tanning beds are extremely harmful. This came as truly shocking news to morons everywhere.
- Jennifer Love Hewitt is begging for a role in the movie Twilight. Meanwhile, comedian Dane Cook is begging for a role in Jennifer Love Hewitt. Well, can you blame him?
- Congressional Democrats have reportedly reached an agreement on upcoming health care legislation. Now they just need to wait for approval from their primary care physician. So we should have that law in, oh, three months.
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Tags: congress, Dane Cook, health care, Jennifer Love Hewitt, tanning, Twilight
Posted by Lex Friedman on Jul 28, 2009
- Brett Favre announced today that he will remain retired, and not join the Minnesota Vikings. Which is interesting, given that the story of Farve’s retirement is the only thing in America that’s older than he is, at this point.
- FOX News anchor Glenn Beck today said that President Obama was a racist who hates white people. In a statement, Obama said, “I’m not going to dignify the comments of some cracker.”
- Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush have broken up. I believe that Kim did let the door hit her on the ass on the way out. It couldn’t be prevented.
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Tags: Barack Obama, Brett Favre, football, Glenn Beck, Kim Kardashian, Minnesota Vikings, NFL, Reggie Bush
Posted by Lex Friedman on Jul 27, 2009
I’ve been lax, but that’s mostly because I was traveling through LAX. Now that I’m ex-LAX, expect a daily posting schedule here for Fallon jokes to resume.
Now Jimmy, let’s not forget that as you near the 100 show mark, I’ve penned you several hundred monologue jokes. At any point, you may feel free to a) call, and then b) hire me. Email works too, of course.
- The NFL has given Michael Vick permission to play football professionally again. Which is great news, since so many in the media thought that his career had gone to the dogs. Literally.
- Jon Gosselin, of Jon and Kate Plus 8, continues to deny reports linking him with various women. Those same women, meanwhile, continue to deny reports that they have good taste in men.
- Lance Armstrong finished third in the Tour de France over the weekend, in a race that he hopes will finally show doubters that he isn’t a doper. Because remember kids, cheaters finish FIRST.
- One of the Jonas Brothers has broken up with his actress-girlfriend. But if you have any idea who I’m talking about, you’re up way past your bedtime right now.
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Tags: Jon and Kate Plus 8, Jonas Brothers, Lance Armstrong, Michael Vick, NFL, Tour de France
Posted by Lex Friedman on Jul 22, 2009
I’ve been in California for work, which has made joke-writing time more scarce. Here are more jokes than usual, to make up for my absence:
- The “Yo Quiero Taco Bell” dog has died. But his memory will live on in Taco Bell. Specifically, in the tacos they serve.
- Jon Gosselin, of Jon and Kate Plus 8, has been photographed cavorting with various women since his very public separation from his wife, Kate. That’s right: A man who’s gonna have to pay child support for nearly a baseball team’s worth of kids is still more attractive to women than you.
- Amazon.com today bought Internet retailer Zappos.com for 800 million dollars. That’s enough to buy nearly seven Kindles.
- A mother has been arrested for neglect for allowing her teenage son to balloon to 555 pounds. In fact, we have a photo of the mother here:
- Actor Stephen Baldwin has filed for bankruptcy. Meanwhile, his brother Alec has filed for excessive handsomeness.
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Tags: Alec Baldwin, Amazon, dog, Jon and Kate Plus 8, obesity, Stephen Baldwin, Taco Bell, whales, Zappos
Posted by Lex Friedman on Jul 17, 2009
First, because I can’t help myself, a joke Jimmy can’t make:
“A second person died today from injuries related to the collapse of that stage in preparation for a Madonna concert. Madonna told reporters that everyone involved with the show is truly crushed.”
Sorry.
And now, a joke Jimmy theoretically could use:
Tiger Woods, for only the second time in his career, missed the cut in a major golf event, at today’s British Open. Tiger was confused, because he was especially proud of having achieved his all-time high score.
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Tags: Madonna, Tiger Woods