Posted by Lex Friedman on Jul 16, 2009
- Mischa Barton has reportedly been placed under involuntary psychiatric hold. By an evil hypnotist. (beat) Oh, what’s that? That would be an involuntary psychic hold, my mistake.
- Donald Trump’s daughter Ivanka announced on Twitter that she’s gotten engaged. In future news, Ivanka Trump has posted on Twitter that she’s getting divorced. Technology is amazing.
- Paul McCartney says that reports of feuding between him and the late Michael Jackson were always very exaggerated, and that the two never really had a blow-up. That’s not surprising, since McCartney died in 1966.
- In a surprise development, the American Medical Association has endorsed the House bill for President Obama’s national health care policy. Sadly, though, they immediately declared that nationalized health care causes cancer in lab rats.
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Tags: American Medical Association, Barack Obama, cancer, congress, Donald Trump, Ivanka Trump, laws, Michael Jackson, Mischa Barton, Paul McCartney, psychics, Twitter
Posted by Lex Friedman on Jul 14, 2009
- Convicted Ponzi scheme mastermind Bernie Madoff started his 150-year sentence today. He’ll be free when he’s just 221 years old. At which point he’ll probably do an interview with Joan Rivers.
- Sarah Palin has been hinting that she’d like to form her own political party, separate from Republicans. Here’s hoping it’s a Swingers Party! Am I right? I’m right.
- Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor had her second day of Senate confirmation hearings today. If she’s able to provide ten consecutive correct answers, she’ll win both showcases.
- A Southwest Airlines plane landed safely after a football-sized hole ripped open during flight. The plane’s been certified safe for the skies again, and now boasts one extra window seat.
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Tags: airplanes, Bernie Madoff, Ponzi scheme, Sarah Palin, Sonia Sotomayor, Southwest Airlines, Supreme Court
Posted by Lex Friedman on Jul 13, 2009
Jimmy’s back, and I’m (temporarily) homeless! Time for some new joke ideas! Now, Mr. Fallon, please remember: The point of all this is for you to recognize that I am a) unspeakably hilarious and b) entirely charming, so that you can c) hire me before I d) lose my mind. Call me!
- Sonia Sotomayor faced the Senate today on the first day of confirmation hearings for her Supreme Court appointment. And so far she’s doing well — she hasn’t had to use any of her lifelines yet. Good to keep “Phone a Friend” in the bag as long as possible.
- As you know, last week, Sarah Palin announced her resignation as governor of Alaska. This was especially troubling for us here at Late Night, since in light of Sarah Palin stepping down, half of our comedy writers have quit too. It’s too much golden material, gone.
- A new study has found that swearing when you get hurt can actually make you feel less pain. Which means, technically, that a “pain in the ass” is actually no pain at all.
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Tags: Sarah Palin, Sonia Sotomayor, swearing
Posted by Lex Friedman on Jul 7, 2009
Jimmy’s still off this week, so no jokes about Sarah Palin resigning (I’m resigning too — resigning myself to hearing more than I ever need to about Sarah Palin), MJ’s funeral (anyone else afraid Janet would have another wardrobe malfunction?), and the like.
See you next week!
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Tags: Janet Jackson, Jimmy Fallon, Michael Jackson, Sarah Palin
Posted by Lex Friedman on Jul 1, 2009
Jimmy’s off for a couple days, and it beautifully coordinates with my own upcoming move. So, no more jokes for you — or Jimmy — until he’s back on the air.
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Posted by Lex Friedman on Jun 29, 2009
- Steve Jobs is reportedly back at work at Apple after receiving a liver transplant. He’s supposedly tasked Apple engineers with creating a new iPod dock that’s actually a doc.
- The BET awards over the weekend had a lot of tributes to Michael Jackson. The most compelling tribute, of course, was that this year, for the first time ever, nobody shot anybody at the BET awards.
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Tags: Apple, BET, iPod, liver, Michael Jackson, Steve Jobs
Posted by Lex Friedman on Jun 26, 2009
- There are still lots of conflicting reports about Michael Jackson’s death, and obviously all of us are still pretty sad about the whole thing. But we’re hearing reports that when it was Michael’s time to go, that Ed McMahon came to his door and told him he’d won.
- In lighter news, a baby born after just 26 weeks in England is now home with his parents. But that’s not the amazing part. The amazing part is, his parents were only 36 weeks old.
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Tags: babies, Ed McMahon, Michael Jackson
Posted by Lex Friedman on Jun 25, 2009
You rarely hear about bad news on the late night talk shows. There a place where the stories of the day that are joked about are the fun, silly, or scandalous ones — not the bummers.
I think Michael Jackson’s death came too late in the day for Jimmy to mention it on his show. But I think it’s a topic he will certainly go into tomorrow. There are tasteful jokes you can make about a massive celebrity’s death, where the point isn’t to mock him, but to find whatever humor there can be in a sad situation.
- Michael Jackson, of course, passed away today. Somewhere, Jay Leno is screaming at his manager to get his show on the air now.
- Michael was only 50 years old, but it would seem that indeed, he finally got enough. (And thus, was able to stop.)
- You know, Farrah Fawctet passed away today, too. And earlier this week, we lost Ed McMahon. All I can say is Johnny Carson is putting on one hell of a show up in Heaven tonight. And on that show, Michael is being very, very weird. You know, I like to imagine that for his musical number, Michael performs Thriller, and it’s oddly inappropriate, because all the dead people dancing are actually dead.
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Posted by Lex Friedman on Jun 24, 2009
- South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, who had disappeared for several days, has now admitted that he was having an affair with an Argentinian woman. For his next trick, he’s going to make his career disappear.
- The number of millionaires in the world shrank in 2008. In fact, Tom Cruise is now barely 4 and a half feet tall.
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Tags: affairs, Mark Sanford, millionaires, Tom Cruise
Posted by Lex Friedman on Jun 23, 2009
- Did you all hear about TLC’s latest show? Jon and Kate Plus 8 Lawyers.
- Elizabeth Hasselbeck is being sued for stealing ideas from another author for her new diet book. The author became suspicious when Hasselbeck claimed to have written a book.
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Tags: Elizabeth Hasselbeck, Jon and Kate Plus 8