Posted by Lex Friedman on May 5, 2009
Slow news day! Or, at least, slow news day for funny joke-worthy stories.
- Scientists are planning to test Abraham Lincoln’s DNA to see if we had any illnesses at the time of his assassination. All they’re waiting for is for President Lincoln to fire up his time machine. And when he does, I’m going to borrow that time machine, and go back in time, and write a better joke.
- The first American face transplant recipient showed her face in public today for the first time. Well, okay, technically… she showed someone else’s face.
- Two pedestrians were injured when a car filming a stunt for a new Nicolas Cage movie spun out of control. It’s reportedly the biggest hit Nicolas Cage has had in years!
- There were rumors on the Internet today that Apple wants to buy Twitter. Apple managed to fit their response into a single post on Twitter: “That’s extremely stupid.”
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Tags: Abraham Lincoln, Apple, car accident, Nicolas Cage, time machine, time travel, Twitter
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 6, 2009
As always (it’s easy to be consistent when you’re still in the first week of shows!) here are some joke suggestions for tonight’s monologue on Jimmy’s show:
- It was announced today that the unemployment rate is now topping 8.1%, the worst level since 1983. I’d have a joke about that, but we just fired all our writers.
- The New York Times ran a story today saying that President Obama has been using a teleprompter more than any past president. I mean, I’m sure he’s using it more than, say, Abraham Lincoln. That teleprompter was made of logs. I think Washington’s used smoke signals. But I mean, this seems a little bit like a non-issue, you know? The last administration did the same thing in their own way, just instead of teleprompter, Dick Cheney just used President Bush as a puppet.
- Because of a crackdown on illegal immigrants in Britain, circuses in the United Kingdom are now suffering from — this is true — a clown shortage. Man, whoever enacted that plan must have been a real Bozo. Sorry. I know, that was terrible. But if they really do want to find the guy responsible for this clown issue, they’re going to need to use circus-stantial evidence. I should stop now.
- Some parents are concerned about Nickelodeon’s plans to make a tween version of their popular animated “Dora the Explorer” character, with longer, flowing hair, a skirt, and long legs. The new toy’s going to be named “Dora the Sex-Whore-uh.”
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Tags: Abraham Lincoln, Barack Obama, circus, clowns, Dick Cheney, Dora the Explorer, economy, George W. Bush, New York Times, Nickelodeon, tweens, unemployment