Hire Me, Jimmy Fallon! » Amazon

Jokes for Shows #81, 82, and 83

Lex Friedman — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 23:51:16 +0000

I’ve been in California for work, which has made joke-writing time more scarce. Here are more jokes than usual, to make up for my absence:

The “Yo Quiero Taco Bell” dog has died. But his memory will live on in Taco Bell. Specifically, in the tacos they serve.
Jon Gosselin, of Jon and Kate Plus 8, has been photographed cavorting with various women since his very public separation from his wife, Kate. That’s right: A man who’s gonna have to pay child support for nearly a baseball team’s worth of kids is still more attractive to women than you.
Amazon.com today bought Internet retailer Zappos.com for 800 million dollars. That’s enough to buy nearly seven Kindles.
A mother has been arrested for neglect for allowing her teenage son to balloon to 555 pounds. In fact, we have a photo of the mother here:
Actor Stephen Baldwin has filed for bankruptcy. Meanwhile, his brother Alec has filed for excessive handsomeness.

Jokes for Show #38

Lex Friedman — Wed, 06 May 2009 21:24:08 +0000

Amazon today introduced a new, larger version of their Kindle e-book reader. Amazon is really like the opposite of Apple, right? iPods keep getting smaller and smaller, and Amazon’s new feature is to make the Kindle… bigger. Apparently, though, Apple got inspired, and released this picture of the new iPod Man-o:

Paula Abdul today admitted for the first time that until very recently, she suffered from an addiction to painkillers. In a related story, today, water admitted that it is wet.
Kiefer Sutherland had a run-in with police last night, after he reportedly head-butted a fashion designer, breaking his nose. The preceding took place between Beer #7 and Beer #8.

Joke Suggestions for Episode #3

Lex Friedman — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 21:01:18 +0000

Amazon released a Kindle app for the iPhone, so you can carry half a million books in your pocket. Or, you’re just very, very, VERY happy to see me.

The Fed today announced that the outlook for the economy is “poor.” They also announced that they’re changing their name to the “Department of Obviousness.” (Do you think the Chairman of that new department should be called Captain Obvious?) But seriously, the economy is really hurting. There’s a homeless guy I pass on my way to the studio, and each day he asks for me a dollar, and I always give him one. But today, with the economy being what it is — he asked me for two.

An asteroid whizzed right by the Earth yesterday, and scientist’s said that it was a close one. Of course, it was nearly fifty thousand miles away — which apparently, scientists think is close. The same scientists are like “I am THIS close to scoring with Angelina Jolie.” Yes, you are both humans on the same continent, that doesn’t make it close. And I’m guessing these scientists are no Brad Pitt. I, of course, am THIS close.

Robin Williams had to cancel a few Florida stand-up gigs because of shortness of breath. Now, that’s definitely something I can see affecting Robin — (this is really just a setup for Jimmy to do a moment of his spot-on impression. So yes, I’m pitching a joke that’s all set-up, with Jimmy’s own impression as the punchline.)