Hire Me, Jimmy Fallon! » American Idol

Jokes for Shows #108 and 109

Lex Friedman — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 01:10:42 +0000

Don’t forget to check out JimmyFallon.com for all sorts of extra Jimmy goodness and jokes!

Ellen Degeneres will be joining the cast of American Idol, taking over for Paula Abdul. To prepare for her new role, Ellen is reportedly studying music, and forgetting how to speak coherent English.

President Obama says he accepts the apology from Joe Wilson for having yelled out “You lie!” during the Congressional address earlier this week. But reportedly, he had his fingers crossed when he accepted it.

Ten Andy Warhol paintings were stolen from a California home earlier this week. Police have released this sketch:

Jokes for Shows #96 to 100

Lex Friedman — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 16:13:09 +0000

I failed to write ANY jokes for Jimmy last week — eek! As frequent readers know, I’ve been moving. But now we’re mostly settled into the new house, and my normal joke-posting schedule should finally resume.

Congrats to Jimmy and his team for reaching the 100-show milestone.

Here’s a batch of jokes to make up for last week’s absence:

Madonna turned 51 last week. And as they say, 51 is the new creepy.
Sprinter Usain Bolt shattered his own record last week, running 100 meters in 9.58 seconds. No one could explain how he ran so fast, until they all noticed the taco truck at the finish line. No man can resist the lure of the taco truck.
The Philadelphia Eagles signed quarterback Michael Vick last week. Vick told reporters that he was just excited to be wearing a uniform without stripes on it.
There are reports that Michael Jackson will be buried on his birthday. Which is pretty much the worst present ever.
Former Congressman Tom DeLay will join the cast of Dancing With the Stars. If you thought he could dance his way around an ethics investigation, just wait until you see this.
Jessica Simpson will NOT be taking over for Paula Abdul on American Idol. It’s the first time ever that Jessica has been too coherent for a job.

Jokes for Show #62

Lex Friedman — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 01:44:23 +0000

Newt Gingrich said at a Republican fundraiser that President Obama has, quote, “already failed.” The test, of course, was “Sucking Worst Than The Last Guy.” Obama’s definitely failing at that one.
American Idol runner-up announced today that he was gay. Yeah. In another shocker, he announced that he’s a human being. Equally remarkable, right? How totally unexpected.
Britney Spears has announced her first ever Australian tour. It’ll be her first time showing her down under, down under.

Jokes for Show #49

Lex Friedman — Thu, 21 May 2009 23:22:00 +0000

If Jimmy did shows every week, seven days each week, this would be his seventh consecutive week of doing just that. This meaningless statistic brought to you by HireMeJimmyFallon.com. Now, on with the jokes!

Dick Cheney and President Barack Obama gave dueling speeches on foreign policy today. It worked out well, because there was not a single person in America who wanted tickets to both shows. That’s like Miley Cyrus having a concert at the same time as Metallica. Or Michael Jackson being busy during a convention for post-pubescent boys. No one’s missing anything.
Filmmaker Michael Moore is making a documentary about the economic crisis. He’s very upset that foods on the $1 menu now cost $2. Yeah, his whole diet is messed up.
Did you watch the American Idol season finale last night? Yeah, that was a big shocker at the end, right? Paula Abdul spoke in a coherent sentence. Let’s try again. Big shocker at the end, right? Randy Jackson spoke twice withOUT saying the word “dawg.”