Hire Me, Jimmy Fallon! » Apple

Jokes for Shows #106 and #107

Lex Friedman — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 21:40:40 +0000

Since Jimmy took Labor Day off, the numbers are going to start to get weird. Until now, every Friday was a multiple of five. No more!

President Obama addressed school students across America Tuesday. It marked the first time ever that Barack Obama was in front of school children and nobody made fun of his name.
Steve Jobs appeared at his first Apple event since undergoing a liver transplant a few months ago. Apple today released Liver 2.0, a new app for iPhone.
A married California lawmaker was caught on tape bragging about sexual affairs with lobbyists. Of course, the conservative Republican lawmaker was known as a “protector of family values.” Which he is, because he’s making sure the families of California don’t get screwed — just he does. A lot. By lobbyists.

Jokes for Vacation Day

Lex Friedman — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 03:11:03 +0000

Steve Jobs is reportedly back at work at Apple after receiving a liver transplant. He’s supposedly tasked Apple engineers with creating a new iPod dock that’s actually a doc.
The BET awards over the weekend had a lot of tributes to Michael Jackson. The most compelling tribute, of course, was that this year, for the first time ever, nobody shot anybody at the BET awards.

Jokes for Show #70

Lex Friedman — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 23:55:51 +0000

Today, Apple officially released the new iPhone 3G S. The name is actually pretty accurate, because after buying the phone and two years with AT&T, you’ll end up spending about 3 G’s.
The man who invented the “Magic Fingers Vibrating Bed” died today at age 92. He last words were reportedly “duhduhduhduhduhduhduhduh.”
A woman accused of sharing 24 songs on the Internet was fined just under $2 million today. That’s enough for, like, 667 iPhones.

Jokes for Show #38

Lex Friedman — Wed, 06 May 2009 21:24:08 +0000

Amazon today introduced a new, larger version of their Kindle e-book reader. Amazon is really like the opposite of Apple, right? iPods keep getting smaller and smaller, and Amazon’s new feature is to make the Kindle… bigger. Apparently, though, Apple got inspired, and released this picture of the new iPod Man-o:

Paula Abdul today admitted for the first time that until very recently, she suffered from an addiction to painkillers. In a related story, today, water admitted that it is wet.
Kiefer Sutherland had a run-in with police last night, after he reportedly head-butted a fashion designer, breaking his nose. The preceding took place between Beer #7 and Beer #8.

Jokes for Show #37

Lex Friedman — Tue, 05 May 2009 22:05:27 +0000

Slow news day! Or, at least, slow news day for funny joke-worthy stories.

Scientists are planning to test Abraham Lincoln’s DNA to see if we had any illnesses at the time of his assassination. All they’re waiting for is for President Lincoln to fire up his time machine. And when he does, I’m going to borrow that time machine, and go back in time, and write a better joke.
The first American face transplant recipient showed her face in public today for the first time. Well, okay, technically… she showed someone else’s face.
Two pedestrians were injured when a car filming a stunt for a new Nicolas Cage movie spun out of control. It’s reportedly the biggest hit Nicolas Cage has had in years!
There were rumors on the Internet today that Apple wants to buy Twitter. Apple managed to fit their response into a single post on Twitter: “That’s extremely stupid.”

Jokes for Show #12

Lex Friedman — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 18:35:23 +0000

It’s Saint Patrick’s Day! Or, as my alcoholic uncle Larry calls it, Tuesday.
But man, this rough economy’s affecting everything, you know? McDonald’s changed the formula of the McFlurry. This year, it’s made from milk and Scope mouthwash. You have to cut corners somewhere.
The family of a woman mauled by a chimpanzee filed a lawsuit seeking $50 million. The chimpanzee, meanwhile, is seeking bananas.
Apple today announced an upcoming update to the iPhone operating system, which include the long-awaited copy-and-paste feature. You know, I even write my monologues on my iPhone. Apple today announced an upcoming update to the iPhone operating system, which include the long-awaited copy-and-paste feature. You know, I even write my monologues on my iPhone.
Experts say that we’re more likely to swear a lot during a recession, and that swearing can relieve stress. To which I say: No Shi–BEEP.

Jokes for Show #8

Lex Friedman — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 01:25:57 +0000

The producers of “Sesame Street” are cutting 20 percent of its work force because of the recession. The severance package for fired employees includes two weeks’ pay, and a free toy: Bend Over And Take It Elmo.
Forbes reported today that the world’s billionaires are feeling the impact of the recession just like the rest of us. Apparently, they’re now buying generic yachts.
Two teachers in Pennsylvania have been accused of having sex with the same thirteen-year-old boy. BY the boy.
Apple today released a new iPod shuffle, and the button-less device actually talks to you. Which is good, because if you buy such a pretentious iPod, no one else will.

Thoughts on the first show

Lex Friedman — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 12:54:50 +0000

“A smart man would leave now.” Great line to start off his first-ever monologue, after the cheerful, loud, greeting ovation.

Jimmy kicked off his first show with a great Conan bit, and really ran a very nice show straight through. He was clearly a little nervous, but the show was well-written, and Jimmy wore his nervousness charmingly.

The “snow day” joke was cute, although I’ll admit I wasn’t a huge fan of the Rush Limbaugh joke. I would have loved a few more jokes about his Day 1 jitters.

Definitely think it was the right move, though, to include monologue jokes on other topics. I loved the Microsoft/Apple store joke — that the difference between the two stores will be that, at the Microsoft store, the staff will freeze when you ask them a question. Great line.

“Slow Jammin’ the News” with the Roots behind him wasn’t just a funny conceit — the implementation was great. The camera switching focus between Jimmy and the band behind him was excellent. Just before the show started, I was thinking about how great Jimmy is at funny music, and was hoping it would have a place in his show. Well done!

Tonight, Jimmy’s hosting Tina Fey, his old co-anchor. I’ll post some monologue jokes for the day a bit later on.