Jokes for Show #30

Holy moly. 30 actual shows, and 30 days of jokes from me. Actually, this is my 35th day of writing jokes for Jimmy, since I wrote for five vacation days as well.

Jimmy — see the URL. The aim here is for you to, y’know, hire me.

With only the slightest further ado, here are joke suggestions for tonight’s show:

• Ashton Kutcher beat CNN to be the first Twitter account with one million followers. But still… neither of them has as many friends as Tom! Remember Tom? From MySpace? Yeah, me neither.
• A 47-year-old Ohio teacher has resigned after admitting that she took several teenage female students to a male strip club. Which, you gotta admit, took some balls.
• Bill Murray was participating in a celebrity golf tournament, and hooked a shot so badly that he beaned a woman standing in her own front yard, right in the head. It’s the biggest hit Bill Murray’s had in years. (No, I’m kidding, I love Bill Murray!)
• Authorities yesterday arrested a woman dressed in camouflage walking around Britney Spears’ house in LA. Yeah, then they realized it was Britney Spears.

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Tags: Ashton Kutcher, Bill Murray, Britney Spears, camouflage, CNN, male strippers, MySpace, Ohio, students, teachers, Tom, Twitter

Jokes for Show #16

Wow. 16 shows. Feels like just three weeks ago we were on Show #1. Here are some joke suggestions for tonight’s show, in my ongoing quest to show Jimmy and his team that they ought to hire me for their writing staff.

• Both Lance Armstrong and Today host Matt Lauer were injured in bicycling accidents today.  Lauer’s bike crash was actually more serious… Now, between him and Lance, they have exactly two testicles.
• Actually, Lance broke his collarbone, and it’s unclear whether he’ll be able to compete in the Tour de France this summer. It’s thus also unclear whether anyone in America will bother watching the Tour de France.
• Bruce Willis married his model/actress girlfriend over the weekend. Yeah, she’s 24 years younger than he is. I’d make a joke about that, but, uh, I don’t want Bruce to come kick my ass. Ashton Kutcher was there, along with Demi Moore. Which was good, because then Ashton and Bruce’s new wife could sit together at the kids’ table.
• Insurance giant AIG had workmen out on the front of their building here in New York City over the weekend, tearing down the name AIG and putting up a new sign with the company’s new name. It’s called: CLOSED.

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Tags: AIG, Ashton Kutcher, Bruce Willis, cycling, Demi Moore, economy, Lance Armstrong, Matt Lauer, Tour de France