Posted by Lex Friedman on Sep 17, 2009
Here are jokes for Jimmy this week:
- Kanye West is still apologizing for interrupting Taylor Swift during the VMAs. Seriously, Kanye, if you’re going to interrupt her, at least do it while she’s singing. (I should note that Jimmy would never make that joke. Taylor’s sweet, and the victim here. But c’mon, it’s funny!)
- President Obama was caught on video calling Kanye a jackass. Of course, that’s less impressive than Kanye West himself, who was caught on video BEING a jackass.
- There’s a new world record holder for the tallest living man. Congratulations, Sultan Kosen, you finally have a reason to hold your head up high!
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Tags: Barack Obama, Kanye West, MTV, Sultan Kosen, Taylor Swift, VMAs, world records
Posted by Lex Friedman on Sep 11, 2009
Don’t forget to check out JimmyFallon.com for all sorts of extra Jimmy goodness and jokes!
Ellen Degeneres will be joining the cast of American Idol, taking over for Paula Abdul. To prepare for her new role, Ellen is reportedly studying music, and forgetting how to speak coherent English.
President Obama says he accepts the apology from Joe Wilson for having yelled out “You lie!” during the Congressional address earlier this week. But reportedly, he had his fingers crossed when he accepted it.
Ten Andy Warhol paintings were stolen from a California home earlier this week. Police have released this sketch:
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Tags: American Idol, Andy Warhol, Barack Obama, Campbell's Soup, congress, Ellen Degeneres, English, Paula Abdul
Posted by Lex Friedman on Sep 9, 2009
Since Jimmy took Labor Day off, the numbers are going to start to get weird. Until now, every Friday was a multiple of five. No more!
- President Obama addressed school students across America Tuesday. It marked the first time ever that Barack Obama was in front of school children and nobody made fun of his name.
- Steve Jobs appeared at his first Apple event since undergoing a liver transplant a few months ago. Apple today released Liver 2.0, a new app for iPhone.
- A married California lawmaker was caught on tape bragging about sexual affairs with lobbyists. Of course, the conservative Republican lawmaker was known as a “protector of family values.” Which he is, because he’s making sure the families of California don’t get screwed — just he does. A lot. By lobbyists.
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Tags: Apple, Barack Obama, California, Steve Jobs
Posted by Lex Friedman on Sep 2, 2009
- Spencer Pratt says he is legally changing his name to King Spencer Pratt. Now he’s officially a royal pain in the ass.
- President Obama will address a joint session of Congress to push lawmakers on his health care plan. You just knew they’d never pass health care reform without needing a joint.
- The FDA says the gross blob a Florida man poured out of his Diet Pepsi can was, in fact, a frog or a toad. That’s in keeping with Pepsi’s new slogan: “The choice of a newt generation.”
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Tags: Barack Obama, Congres, Florida, health care, Pepsi, Spencer Pratt
Posted by Lex Friedman on Jul 28, 2009
- Brett Favre announced today that he will remain retired, and not join the Minnesota Vikings. Which is interesting, given that the story of Farve’s retirement is the only thing in America that’s older than he is, at this point.
- FOX News anchor Glenn Beck today said that President Obama was a racist who hates white people. In a statement, Obama said, “I’m not going to dignify the comments of some cracker.”
- Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush have broken up. I believe that Kim did let the door hit her on the ass on the way out. It couldn’t be prevented.
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Tags: Barack Obama, Brett Favre, football, Glenn Beck, Kim Kardashian, Minnesota Vikings, NFL, Reggie Bush
Posted by Lex Friedman on Jul 16, 2009
- Mischa Barton has reportedly been placed under involuntary psychiatric hold. By an evil hypnotist. (beat) Oh, what’s that? That would be an involuntary psychic hold, my mistake.
- Donald Trump’s daughter Ivanka announced on Twitter that she’s gotten engaged. In future news, Ivanka Trump has posted on Twitter that she’s getting divorced. Technology is amazing.
- Paul McCartney says that reports of feuding between him and the late Michael Jackson were always very exaggerated, and that the two never really had a blow-up. That’s not surprising, since McCartney died in 1966.
- In a surprise development, the American Medical Association has endorsed the House bill for President Obama’s national health care policy. Sadly, though, they immediately declared that nationalized health care causes cancer in lab rats.
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Tags: American Medical Association, Barack Obama, cancer, congress, Donald Trump, Ivanka Trump, laws, Michael Jackson, Mischa Barton, Paul McCartney, psychics, Twitter
Posted by Lex Friedman on Jun 18, 2009
- PETA — this is true — today said that it objected to President Obama’s having killed a fly during a television interview. I don’t really have a joke here, but do I really need one?
- Officials have been unable to close a loophole that legalizes prostitution indoors in Rhode Island. Now, they’re considering embracing the law instead, starting with their new state motto: “The island’s not the only thing that got Rhode.”
- Jon and Kate, of Jon and Kate Plus Eight, promise a so-called major announcement on their show on Monday. I’m guessing it’s that they’re planning on finally admitting — that they killed a fly.
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Tags: Barack Obama, fly, Jon and Kate Plus 8, prostitution, Rhode Island
Posted by Lex Friedman on Jun 9, 2009
- Newt Gingrich said at a Republican fundraiser that President Obama has, quote, “already failed.” The test, of course, was “Sucking Worst Than The Last Guy.” Obama’s definitely failing at that one.
- American Idol runner-up announced today that he was gay. Yeah. In another shocker, he announced that he’s a human being. Equally remarkable, right? How totally unexpected.
- Britney Spears has announced her first ever Australian tour. It’ll be her first time showing her down under, down under.
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Tags: Adam Lambert, American Idol, Australia, Barack Obama, Britney Spears, Newt Gingrich
Posted by Lex Friedman on Jun 4, 2009
- President Obama today made a speech in Cairo, Egypt. The President’s address began, “Egyptians, tell me, why do you all walk that way?”
- After his speech was over, Obama grabbed lunch at the Infidelicatessen.
- Wal-Mart announced today that it will be hiring 20,000 more workers by the end of the year. Unfortunately, each of those workers will hold the title of “Chief Firing Officer.”
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Tags: Barack Obama, Egypt, Wal-Mart
Posted by Lex Friedman on May 26, 2009
- OJ Simpson is appealing his conviction on armed robbery charges. OJ’s claiming that he shouldn’t be found guilty for a simple robbery, given that he’s already gotten away with murder.
- President Obama today nominated Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court. If she’s confirmed, Sotomayor will be the highest ranking Hispanic woman EVER to get hit on by Clarence Thomas.
- A study out this week has found that racism is linked to weight gain. Finally, we know why they love to hang out all day in those loose-fitting white robes.
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Tags: Barack Obama, Clarence Thomas, Ku Klux Klan, OJ Simpson, racism, Sonia Sotomayor, Supreme Court