Posted by Lex Friedman on May 22, 2009
Wow! 50 shows! Congrats to the whole Fallon team.
Pressed for time, so just a couple quick jokes:
- President Obama today vowed never to send troops into a war without cause. But he added “CAUSE I say so” totally counts.”
- Australia has put the Tasmanian Devil on the endangered species list there. Reached for comment, the Tasmanian Devil said “bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh.”
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Tags: Barack Obama, Tasmanian Devil
Posted by Lex Friedman on May 21, 2009
If Jimmy did shows every week, seven days each week, this would be his seventh consecutive week of doing just that. This meaningless statistic brought to you by HireMeJimmyFallon.com. Now, on with the jokes!
- Dick Cheney and President Barack Obama gave dueling speeches on foreign policy today. It worked out well, because there was not a single person in America who wanted tickets to both shows. That’s like Miley Cyrus having a concert at the same time as Metallica. Or Michael Jackson being busy during a convention for post-pubescent boys. No one’s missing anything.
- Filmmaker Michael Moore is making a documentary about the economic crisis. He’s very upset that foods on the $1 menu now cost $2. Yeah, his whole diet is messed up.
- Did you watch the American Idol season finale last night? Yeah, that was a big shocker at the end, right? Paula Abdul spoke in a coherent sentence. Let’s try again. Big shocker at the end, right? Randy Jackson spoke twice withOUT saying the word “dawg.”
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Tags: American Idol, Barack Obama, Dick Cheney, fast food, Metallica, Michael Jackson, Michael Moore, Miley Cyrus, Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson
Posted by Lex Friedman on May 4, 2009
Jimmy’s back, and I am too!
Here are some jokes for tonight’s show:
- Barack Obama now passed his first 100 days in office. Or, as former president George W. Bush calls it, “about a year or two.”
- Scientists now say that swine flu isn’t as bad as scary as they initially thought. Relieved, two of the The Three Little pigs have now stepped out of their homes, and were promptly eaten by The Big Bad Wolf. Eesh.
- I guess there are things more dangerous than swine flu. The late two little pigs are survived, as always, by the delicious smell of bacon.
- The Supreme Court issued a ruling saying that a court that previously ruled CBS should not half to pay a half-million dollar fine for Janet Jackson’s Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction, should reconsider that decision. In its ruling, the Supreme Court said: “CBS should have gotten her to take off that weird nipple ring, because it blocked the view.” I’m guessing Clarence Thomas wrote that.
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Tags: Barack Obama, Clarence Thomas, George W. Bush, Janet Jackson, law, pigs, Super Bowl, Supreme Court, swine flu
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 30, 2009
Jimmy’s still off. But I’m still ON! But I’m taking it easy…
- There are now more than 100 reported cases of swine flu in the United States. Man, a virus jumping from pigs to humans… It just doesn’t seem Kosher.
- Vice President Joe Biden today said that he’d tell his family members to avoid airplanes and subways for the next few weeks. The White House later released a statement, saying that in fact, they’ve now injected Joe Biden with swine flu. Wow. Barack Obama sounds like a tough boss.
- Elizabeth Edwards writes in her new book that her husband John Edwards first told her about his affair, she ran to the bathroom and threw up. But that was because she thought he’d had the affair with Senator John Kerry. That’s an honest mistake.
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Tags: Barack Obama, Elizabeth Edwards, Joe Biden, John Edwards, John Kerry, Kosher, pigs, swine flu
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 29, 2009
Jimmy’s still off, so I’m offering limited jokes today:
- President Obama plans to address the nation tonight, but the Fox network won’t carry his speech. Instead, they’re planning to show a new episode of the show “Lie to Me.” Which I believe will be a re-run of one of former President George W. Bush’s speeches, actually.
- Tonight, ABC’s Lost will show its 100th episode. And for the 100th time, at the end of that episode, everyone in the audience will say, “Huh?”
- And of course, swine flu is still on everyone’s mind. It turns out that this little piggy, the one that cried “wee wee wee” all the way home — was sick with swine flu. That explains the screaming.
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Tags: ABC, Barack Obama, Fox, George W. Bush, Lie to Me, Lost, pigs, swine flu, television
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 16, 2009
- President Obama today warned that Americans shouldn’t get too confident that the economy is improving. The nation looked up from their dinner of Ramen Noodles and tap water and replied, “no problem.”
- KFC is rolling out a series of new menu items called Kentucky Grilled Chicken, using a brand new secret recipe and avoiding the deep fryer altogether. Millions of Americans who struggle with their weight are excited about this. You know who’s not, though? Chickens.
- Mel Gibson’s divorce could end up costing him more than $450 million. Which is confusing, because Mel always tells me that the Jews have all the money.
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Tags: Barack Obama, chicken, chickens, economy, fast food, Kentucky Fried Chicken, obesity
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 13, 2009
It’s my 31st day of writing jokes for Jimmy Fallon, and his 26th show. If only he were paying me for this. And using my jokes. And my hair were curlier.
- Legendary music producer Phil Spector has been found guilty… of looking WAY too much like Clay Aiken:
- Mel Gibson’s wife has filed for divorce. In the divorce filings, she blamed the Jews. That does seem like the Gibson way.
- The Obama family finally has the two dog that President Obama promised his daughters on the campaign trail. So, even though Hillary lost, there’s still a bitch in the White House.
- Porn star Marilyn Chambers died over the weekend in her California home. She is survived by her two, much younger breasts.
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Tags: Barack Obama, Clay Aiken, divorce, dogs, Hillary Clinton, Juadaism, Marilyn Chambers, Mel Gibson, Phil Spector, porn, White House
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 8, 2009
I’m almost adjusted to Mountain Time. Let’s rock this:
- The Obama administration is reportedly investigating “geoengineering,” the idea of fighting global warming by blowing cold air into the atmosphere. If they go ahead with the plan, it will mark the first time in more than 50 years that the White House has blown anything but hot air.
- Miley Cyrus wrote on her personal blog that she’s “a lot smarter than you think.” So apparently, she’s only very, very, very stupid. Nah, I’m just kidding — I LOVE Miley Cyrus. I mean, I will, in two years, when she’s legal.
- Visits to Las Vegas were down 8% in February. Damn! I had my money on 12%.
- The Jewish holiday of Passover starts tonight. It’s when the Jews eat unleavened bread, called matzah, and sit together for a long time because they’re what’s called “constipated.”
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Tags: Barack Obama, constipation, economy, gambling, global warming, Judaism, Las Vegas, matzah, Miley Cyrus, Passover, White House
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 1, 2009
- UC San Diego accidentally sent out emails welcoming 29,000 high school seniors — whose applications the university had, in fact, rejected. As an act of good will, the Dean of Admissions told affected high schoolers that now they COULD attend the school. He added, “NOT!”
- CBS has cancelled long-running soap opera “Guiding Light” after 72 years and 16,000 episodes. I KNEW they’d never last!
- President Obama gave the Queen of England an iPod during his visit with her today. I wonder what songs are on it, though. I’m guessing, “Dancing Queen.” That’d be fitting.
- ER will air its final episode on NBC tomorrow. Which is ironic, since now the entire network needs life support.
- And, of course, it’s April Fool’s Day, a day when we laugh at the easily fooled, gullible people around us. Or, as former President Bush calls it, Wednesday.
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Tags: April Fool's Day, Barack Obama, CBS, college, Dancing Queen, ER, George W. Bush, Guiding Light, iPod, jokes, NBC, Queen Elizabeth, soap operas, television, UC San Diego
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 31, 2009
- President Obama flew to Europe today, for the first overseas trip of his administration. I guess SOMEONE can still afford airfare in these tough economic times.
- The FDA now says Americans should avoid pistachios after yet another salmonella outbreak. Man, that is just nuts. I’m sorry, I know that’s a terrible joke, but all of us here at Late Night are really shell-shocked about this.
- A new musical is coming to broadway, based on the hit Green Day song “American Idiot.” It’ll be subtitled, “The Paris Hilton Story.”
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Tags: American Idiot, Barack Obama, broadway, economy, FDA, Green Day, jokes, nuts, Paris Hilton, pistachios, salmonella