Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 26, 2009
I am really happy with today’s batch of jokes. If you’re Jimmy Fallon, and you’re happy with these jokes too, feel free to hire me. (See the URL.)
- A new study has found that male circumcision helps prevent 2 STDs. And that’s just the tip of the — you know.
- A new website will feature more than ninety years of notes from various birdwatchers. The URL is TheMostBoringSiteOnTheEntireInternet.com.
- A US billionaire made history this week by becoming the first person ever to make TWO trips as a tourist into space. But you can tell we’re in a recession, because his seat on the space shuttle was in Business class. Yeah he couldn’t spring for First. And I hear the in-flight meals on the spaceship aren’t that great — the ice cream tastes like cardboard.
- President Obama conducted an online town hall meeting today, answering questions submitted by people on the Internet. Some of his most newsworthy answers were, “No, I don’t need Viagra,” “No, I’m not interested in claiming my Nigerian inheritance,” and “Yes, I will be your friend on Facebook.”
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Tags: Barack Obama, billionaire, bird watching, birds, circumcision, economy, Facebook, ice cream, Internet, jokes, penis, space, STDs, Viagra
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 25, 2009
My latest batch of monologue jokes. Jimmy — call me!
- Breaking news: The economy still sucks. The Metropolitan Transportation Agency has decided to raise subway fares, and cut some service here in New York. Yeah, as part of the cutbacks, they’re going to stop piping in that delicious “old urine” smell, which is a real shame.
- HBO is prepping a movie about Bill and Hillary Clinton. Julianne Moore’s playing Hillary, and for Bill Clinton, they wanted to find the perfect man for the role, so they cast Ron Jeremy. The resemblance is striking.
- A British teenager painted a giant penis on the roof of his parents’ house, hoping it would be seen using Google Earth. But the teenager was, in fact, an even bigger dick.
- President Obama is taking questions from Internet surfers on WhiteHouse.gov. So far, the top questions are: “A/S/L?” and “Will you follow me on Twitter?”
- The Post Office today warned congress that they’re billions of dollars in debt, and could go completely bankrupt this year, or need to layoff thousands of postal workers. Yeah, because that’s just what we need: Thousands of disgruntled postal employees. What could possibly go wrong?
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Tags: Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, economy, Hillary Clinton, Internet, layoffs, New York, Postal Service, Ron Jeremy, subway, Twitter
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 20, 2009
Three weeks of shows! Amazing. Jimmy continues to settle into his new role nicely, and I think the show continues to improve. I love the wide-ranging variety of comedy bits they’ve been incorporating.
Here are some joke suggestions for tonight’s show. If Jimmy and his team think I’d be a good person to add to the show’s writing staff, they know where to find me!
- Two US Navy vessels collided this morning in the Strait of Hormuz. And I learned a new pickup line: Hey baby, let’s collide like a pair of US Navy vessels. President Obama said in a statement, “I haven’t seen a crash this bad since the economy.”
- Fred Durst today said that he really enjoyed his Britney Spears relationship. But, if you’re like me, you have no recollection of just who the heck Fred Durst is.
- Oprah Winfrey has invited Ellen Degeneres to share the cover of O magazine. The only other time Oprah shared the cover was with First Lady Michelle Obama. Yeah, apparently Ellen’s only remaining dream is to get under the covers with Oprah.
- The US Postal Service is cutting 1400 jobs, which should save them millions of dollars, or with the latest price hike, 12 stamps.
- On the Tonight Show last night, President Obama made a joke comparing his bowling to the Special Olympics — a remark he later apologized for, saying, “I should have said, ‘I bowl as well as you white people play basketball.’”
- March Madness is now completely underway. But with the economy as bad as it is, this year it’s known as March Unhappiness.
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Tags: Barack Obama, basketball, bowling, Britney Spears, economy, Ellen Degeneres, Fred Durst, Jay Leno, jokes, March Madness, Michelle Obama, Navy, O Magazine, Oprah Winfrey, Postal Service, Special Olympics, Tonight Show
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 18, 2009
- A new study concludes that men who prostate exams don’t actually prevent any deaths. But they’re still a great conversation starter. Like, hey, mind if I check out your prostate?
- Chris Brown and Rihanna have reportedly broken up. Rihanna’s taking it pretty hard — she’s telling friends, it really feels like a punch in the face. I’m sorry, that’s terrible. But she really is feeling blue. Black and blue, I mean.
- President Obama released his brackets for March Madness. And you know the economy’s bad, because the President is picking San Antonio to win by negative 300 trillion points. That can’t be good.
- The unwed birth rate in the United States reached an all-time high last year, according to a new study. In a related story: Pretty much everybody but you is having sex. (Lots of it. And they’re making lots of babies!)
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Tags: Barack Obama, births, Chris Brown, jokes, March Madness, prostate cancer, prostates, Rihanna, sex
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 16, 2009
- New Jersey may ban professional Brazilian waxes. Because if there’s anything you want done by an amateur, it’s the application of hot wax to remove hair from your vagina, right ladies?
- Chevy Chase will return to prime-time television, with a supporting role in a fall pilot for NBC. In future news, that show has been cancelled. Actually as of… NOW, I’ve had this show longer than Chevy Chase had his late night talk show. So congratulations, everyone!
- New research says that some children may be freed of their peanut allergies if they eat a tiny crumb of peanut every day for weeks. And.. the rest of them will die. So… Yay?
- A judge has withdrawn a warrant that had been out for Lindsay Lohan, after realizing that in fact, no, Lindsay Lohan can’t even get arrested in this town anymore.
- President Barack Obama will appear on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno this week. And it’s gonna be a solid evening for late night on NBC that day, because I have Carrot Top and Roseanne. Yeah, you’re not going to want to miss that. But seriously, Tonight Show producers are reportedly trying really hard to book Pinnochio as well. That way, they can have the biggest nose, chin, and ears in world history, all in one place.
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Tags: Barack Obama, Chevy Chase, Jay Leno, jokes, kids, Lindsay Lohan, New Jersey, peanuts, Pinnochio
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 7, 2009
Jimmy again seemed pretty relaxed at the start of his monologue. And, to my great pleasure, he scored a few nice laugh lines. Well done, sir!
I loved the line about Sanjay Gupta withdrawing consideration as a potential Surgeon General, since he wants to stay at CNN — because he just gets paid too much to keep Larry King alive. He made a few Michael Jackson jokes, and made his second Obama dis, again about the tax plan. (Daylight savings time will add two hours, instead of one.)
My favorite monologue joke was his closer, about Esquire’s list of the best dressed men. Obama came in at number 4. Number one? Hillary Clinton.
A great show to end his first week, and I wish Jimmy a hearty congratulations. I also wish Jimmy would hire me already. I’ve been applying longer than applicants spend at Google!
I’ll be back Monday with suggestions for that day’s show.
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Tags: Barack Obama, CNN, Google, Hillary Clinton, Jimm Fallon, jokes, Larry King, Michael Jackson, Sanjay Gupta
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 6, 2009
As always (it’s easy to be consistent when you’re still in the first week of shows!) here are some joke suggestions for tonight’s monologue on Jimmy’s show:
- It was announced today that the unemployment rate is now topping 8.1%, the worst level since 1983. I’d have a joke about that, but we just fired all our writers.
- The New York Times ran a story today saying that President Obama has been using a teleprompter more than any past president. I mean, I’m sure he’s using it more than, say, Abraham Lincoln. That teleprompter was made of logs. I think Washington’s used smoke signals. But I mean, this seems a little bit like a non-issue, you know? The last administration did the same thing in their own way, just instead of teleprompter, Dick Cheney just used President Bush as a puppet.
- Because of a crackdown on illegal immigrants in Britain, circuses in the United Kingdom are now suffering from — this is true — a clown shortage. Man, whoever enacted that plan must have been a real Bozo. Sorry. I know, that was terrible. But if they really do want to find the guy responsible for this clown issue, they’re going to need to use circus-stantial evidence. I should stop now.
- Some parents are concerned about Nickelodeon’s plans to make a tween version of their popular animated “Dora the Explorer” character, with longer, flowing hair, a skirt, and long legs. The new toy’s going to be named “Dora the Sex-Whore-uh.”
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Tags: Abraham Lincoln, Barack Obama, circus, clowns, Dick Cheney, Dora the Explorer, economy, George W. Bush, New York Times, Nickelodeon, tweens, unemployment
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 6, 2009
Jimmy started the monologue much more confidently Thursday night. Well done, sir.
His opener to greet the crowd: “You sound excited — I guess you missed the first three [shows].” Love self-deprecation. In fact, I think it’d be great for Jimmy to have some self-deprecating crowd greeting each night. We shall see.
Although I thought Jimmy looked less jittery tonight, I did in all honesty think the monologue leaned a little too close to to the “applause line” vs. “laugh line” side.
The noteworthy moments included Jimmy’s afterthought following the Bill Gates joke (he doesn’t let his kids use an iPhone or iPod; they have to amuse themselves by playing with piles of money). He then added, “It’s a fun game.” And then: “Not that I would know.” Heheheh. Jimmy, it’s okay to acknowledge that you’re a wealthy man! We love ya for it!
I was also intrigued by Jimmy’s joke about the New Jersey lottery winners (though he didn’t use mine): He said that the $260 million winners, under Obama’s tax plan, would now owe $300 mil. You don’t hear too many jokes attacking Obama and his policies yet, and I love that Jimmy went there. (Regardless of whether you like the president, which Jimmy and I both do, there’s no sense treating him as a sacred cow during Late Night.)
Jimmy and his writing staff are packing a lot of bits before the interviews. Last night there was a goofy “Flashback Master” skit, a sketch with Donald Trump, the audience president elections, and a follow-up with the new audience president all before Donald was brought out around the 15-minute mark. I love the idea of doing more sketches and bits; my sole complaint is that I thought the monologue got clipped a bit. It felt very short last night.
I’ll be back with joke suggestions for Jimmy’s first Friday show later today.
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Tags: Barack Obama, Bill Gates, Donald Trump, iPhone, iPod, Jimmy Fallon, jokes, lottery, New Jersey, self-deprecation, sketches