Jokes for Show #77

Posted by Lex Friedman on Jul 14, 2009

Convicted Ponzi scheme mastermind Bernie Madoff started his 150-year sentence today. He’ll be free when he’s just 221 years old. At which point he’ll probably do an interview with Joan Rivers.
Sarah Palin has been hinting that she’d like to form her own political party, separate from Republicans. Here’s hoping it’s a Swingers Party! Am I right? I’m right.
Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor had her second day of Senate confirmation hearings today. If she’s able to provide ten consecutive correct answers, she’ll win both showcases.
A Southwest Airlines plane landed safely after a football-sized hole ripped open during flight. The plane’s been certified safe for the skies again, and now boasts one extra window seat.

Jokes for Show #10

Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 13, 2009

Jimmy’s had a solid week of monologues. Here are my suggestions for tonight’s:

This past week was the best week of 2009 for Wall Street. Yeah, they only lost eighty bajillion dollars. So congratulations, everyone!
One day after admitting guilt in a massive Ponzie scheme, Bernie Madoff has filed an appeal asking to get out of jail. He realizes that, even though he was essentially playing with Monopoly money, he can’t use a “Get of Jail Free” card, right? If they do let him out, will they have to let him collect $200?
Ten children at a day care center drank wiper fluid after a staffer served it from a container he thought contained Kool Aid. The kids were all fine, but then the bus driver crashed because his windshield was covered in Triple Awesome Grape.
Michael Jackson’s 50 farewell concerts in London have sold out. Which reminds me a lot of Macaulay Culkin’s 11th birthday party. Because at both events, Michael Jackson used his mouth to make a lot of people happy.

Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 12, 2009

Yesterday on the show, we conducted The Twitter Experiment, where got a random audience member more than 20,000 followers on the website Twitter.com. As an added bonus, that audience member — Bryan Brinkman — got 100,000 nerd points. Which I think are worth something in Dungeons and Dragons.
Bernie Madoff is now in jail, after pleading guilty to running a Ponzi scheme. He actually showed up to court today in a designer leather jacket and say “Aaay” a lot. Yeah, apparently he was trying to convince the judge he was running a Fonzie scheme.
The International Space Station got dangerously close to some orbiting space junk. But I learned a new pick up line: “Hey baby… Want to get your International Space Station dangerously close to my space junk?”
ER is getting closer to its final episode here on NBC, after four thousand seasons. They’re thinking of doing a spin-off now, without all the emergencies and stuff. Yeah, they’re just going to call it R.
The Iraqi guy who threw a shoe at former President Bush was sentenced to three years in prison. You throw a shoe at him, they throw the book at you.

Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 10, 2009

My suggestions for tonight’s monologue:

Bernie Madoff, the 70-year-old trader accused of defrauding investors of billions, will be pleading guilty, and could be sentenced to 150 years in prison. With good behavior, he could be released right before his 200th birthday.
A first edition Harry Potter book was sold for $19,000. And they say there’s a recession! Specifically, it was Harry Potter and the Disappearing Savings Account.
Coolio has been charged with crack cocaine possession. We talked about it in the writer’s room, and we decided this story needs so punchline: Coolio’s enough of a joke as it is.
Chris Brown and Rhianna are reportedly recording a duet together. It’s reportedly a remake, entitled “Anything you can do, I can do battered.”

Boom! Good luck with tonight’s show, Jimmy!