Hire Me, Jimmy Fallon! » Bill Clinton

Jokes for Jimmy Re: David Letterman

Lex Friedman — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 23:43:21 +0000

You know, before I got this job, or SNL, I always used to think to myself: Man, who do I gotta screw to get a job writing for David Letterman? Now I know!
Of course, like any good late night host, Dave’s made plenty of jokes about folks who’ve had run-ins with infidelity, like Governor Sanford or President Clinton. But the key difference is, those guys are politicians, and Dave — well, Dave bagged way hotter chicks.
Some are wondering whether a Letterman sex tape might hit the Internet. Well let me just say this: There is a tape, and before Paul Schaffer saw it, he had hair.

Lex Friedman — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 02:04:06 +0000

Former President Clinton today met in North Korea with Kim Jong Il, and secured the release of two imprisoned American journalists there. Then he gave them a ride home on a private chartered jet. It was pretty much the greatest pickup line ever.
The Marines banned servicemen from using Twitter and Facebook. In a related story, we just successfully invaded Europe.
Britney Spears has gone back to being a blonde. But really, of course, she never stopped.

Lex Friedman — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 18:50:52 +0000

My latest batch of monologue jokes. Jimmy — call me!

Breaking news: The economy still sucks. The Metropolitan Transportation Agency has decided to raise subway fares, and cut some service here in New York. Yeah, as part of the cutbacks, they’re going to stop piping in that delicious “old urine” smell, which is a real shame.
HBO is prepping a movie about Bill and Hillary Clinton. Julianne Moore’s playing Hillary, and for Bill Clinton, they wanted to find the perfect man for the role, so they cast Ron Jeremy. The resemblance is striking.
A British teenager painted a giant penis on the roof of his parents’ house, hoping it would be seen using Google Earth. But the teenager was, in fact, an even bigger dick.
President Obama is taking questions from Internet surfers on WhiteHouse.gov. So far, the top questions are: “A/S/L?” and “Will you follow me on Twitter?”
The Post Office today warned congress that they’re billions of dollars in debt, and could go completely bankrupt this year, or need to layoff thousands of postal workers. Yeah, because that’s just what we need: Thousands of disgruntled postal employees. What could possibly go wrong?