Posted by Lex Friedman on Aug 4, 2009
- Former President Clinton today met in North Korea with Kim Jong Il, and secured the release of two imprisoned American journalists there. Then he gave them a ride home on a private chartered jet. It was pretty much the greatest pickup line ever.
- The Marines banned servicemen from using Twitter and Facebook. In a related story, we just successfully invaded Europe.
- Britney Spears has gone back to being a blonde. But really, of course, she never stopped.
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Tags: Bill Clinton, Britney Spears, Facebook, Kim Jong Il, Marines, North Korea, Twitter
Posted by Lex Friedman on Jun 9, 2009
- Newt Gingrich said at a Republican fundraiser that President Obama has, quote, “already failed.” The test, of course, was “Sucking Worst Than The Last Guy.” Obama’s definitely failing at that one.
- American Idol runner-up announced today that he was gay. Yeah. In another shocker, he announced that he’s a human being. Equally remarkable, right? How totally unexpected.
- Britney Spears has announced her first ever Australian tour. It’ll be her first time showing her down under, down under.
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Tags: Adam Lambert, American Idol, Australia, Barack Obama, Britney Spears, Newt Gingrich
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 22, 2009
33 shows. 38 days’ worth of jokes written for Jimmy. If only he’d hire me! And, y’know, use some of the jokes!
- Shots were fired yesterday at reality star “Dog the Bounty Hunter.” He told police at the scene, “The guy just started shooting me like a d–…. Oh. Never mind.”
- Today is Earth Day. Lots of celebrities are trying to do their part to help save the planet today. Yeah, Britney Spears tried cutting back on electricity — she turned off the CD she usually lip-synchs too. So that was nice. Unless you were in the audience.
- Rosie O’Donnell got in on saving the environment today, too. Yep, she agreed to only microwave TWO Hungry Man dinners today, for her breakfast. Every little bit helps.
- In an interview, Paula Abdul this week said that she has never, ever been drunk, and that she doesn’t use drugs. Then her nose grew by 3 feet. Probably a weird coincidence.
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Tags: Britney Spears, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Earth Day, Paula Abdul, Rosie O'Donnell
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 20, 2009
It’s another Monday, and time to write a few more jokes for Jimmy. I should also note that HireMeJimmyFallon.com scored a shout-out from BuzzFeed. Jimmy, if BuzzFeed loves me, shouldn’t you?
- Over the weekend, Madonna fell off a horse. Meanwhile, Lindsay Lohan fell off the wagon. No, I’m only kidding. Lindsay Lohan didn’t fall off the wagon — she was never on it!
- Veterinarians were reportedly alarmed when they examined the horse that Madonna fell from. Yeah, it was the first time in history that a horse’s ass fell off a horse. That’s serious.
- The woman arrested for trespassing outside Britney Spears’ Los Angeles home now says that she was just working on a new documentary film, and isn’t a stalker at all. The documentary is apparently called, “Yes I’m A Crazy Stalker.”
- British press reported that the father of the nine-year-old girl who starred in Slumdog Millionaire tried to sell her to an undercover reporter for $300,000. Yeah, now starring in Scumbag Millionaire.
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Tags: Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Los Angeles, Madonna, Slumdog Millionaire, veterinarians
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 17, 2009
Holy moly. 30 actual shows, and 30 days of jokes from me. Actually, this is my 35th day of writing jokes for Jimmy, since I wrote for five vacation days as well.
Jimmy — see the URL. The aim here is for you to, y’know, hire me.
With only the slightest further ado, here are joke suggestions for tonight’s show:
- Ashton Kutcher beat CNN to be the first Twitter account with one million followers. But still… neither of them has as many friends as Tom! Remember Tom? From MySpace? Yeah, me neither.
- A 47-year-old Ohio teacher has resigned after admitting that she took several teenage female students to a male strip club. Which, you gotta admit, took some balls.
- Bill Murray was participating in a celebrity golf tournament, and hooked a shot so badly that he beaned a woman standing in her own front yard, right in the head. It’s the biggest hit Bill Murray’s had in years. (No, I’m kidding, I love Bill Murray!)
- Authorities yesterday arrested a woman dressed in camouflage walking around Britney Spears’ house in LA. Yeah, then they realized it was Britney Spears.
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Tags: Ashton Kutcher, Bill Murray, Britney Spears, camouflage, CNN, male strippers, MySpace, Ohio, students, teachers, Tom, Twitter
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 20, 2009
Three weeks of shows! Amazing. Jimmy continues to settle into his new role nicely, and I think the show continues to improve. I love the wide-ranging variety of comedy bits they’ve been incorporating.
Here are some joke suggestions for tonight’s show. If Jimmy and his team think I’d be a good person to add to the show’s writing staff, they know where to find me!
- Two US Navy vessels collided this morning in the Strait of Hormuz. And I learned a new pickup line: Hey baby, let’s collide like a pair of US Navy vessels. President Obama said in a statement, “I haven’t seen a crash this bad since the economy.”
- Fred Durst today said that he really enjoyed his Britney Spears relationship. But, if you’re like me, you have no recollection of just who the heck Fred Durst is.
- Oprah Winfrey has invited Ellen Degeneres to share the cover of O magazine. The only other time Oprah shared the cover was with First Lady Michelle Obama. Yeah, apparently Ellen’s only remaining dream is to get under the covers with Oprah.
- The US Postal Service is cutting 1400 jobs, which should save them millions of dollars, or with the latest price hike, 12 stamps.
- On the Tonight Show last night, President Obama made a joke comparing his bowling to the Special Olympics — a remark he later apologized for, saying, “I should have said, ‘I bowl as well as you white people play basketball.’”
- March Madness is now completely underway. But with the economy as bad as it is, this year it’s known as March Unhappiness.
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Tags: Barack Obama, basketball, bowling, Britney Spears, economy, Ellen Degeneres, Fred Durst, Jay Leno, jokes, March Madness, Michelle Obama, Navy, O Magazine, Oprah Winfrey, Postal Service, Special Olympics, Tonight Show
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 3, 2009
The first night’s monologue was strong. I’m hoping that tonight Jimmy keeps up the pace (he rattled off jokes a bit quicker than Conan, Jay, or Dave do), and keeps things topical. Some ideas:
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Tags: acupuncture, Britney Spears, Chevy Chase, Jimmy Fallon, jokes, Judaism, Lindsay Lohan, Michael Jackson, Prince, Target, The Bachelor, Wal-Mart