• Shots were fired yesterday at reality star “Dog the Bounty Hunter.” He told police at the scene, “The guy just started shooting me like a d–…. Oh. Never mind.”
• Today is Earth Day. Lots of celebrities are trying to do their part to help save the planet today. Yeah, Britney Spears tried cutting back on electricity — she turned off the CD she usually lip-synchs too. So that was nice. Unless you were in the audience.
• Rosie O’Donnell got in on saving the environment today, too. Yep, she agreed to only microwave TWO Hungry Man dinners today, for her breakfast. Every little bit helps.
• In an interview, Paula Abdul this week said that she has never, ever been drunk, and that she doesn’t use drugs. Then her nose grew by 3 feet. Probably a weird coincidence.

• Over the weekend, Madonna fell off a horse. Meanwhile, Lindsay Lohan fell off the wagon. No, I’m only kidding. Lindsay Lohan didn’t fall off the wagon — she was never on it!
• Veterinarians were reportedly alarmed when they examined the horse that Madonna fell from. Yeah, it was the first time in history that a horse’s ass fell off a horse. That’s serious.
• The woman arrested for trespassing outside Britney Spears’ Los Angeles home now says that she was just working on a new documentary film, and isn’t a stalker at all. The documentary is apparently called, “Yes I’m A Crazy Stalker.”
• British press reported that the father of the nine-year-old girl who starred in Slumdog Millionaire tried to sell her to an undercover reporter for $300,000. Yeah, now starring in Scumbag Millionaire.

Jimmy — see the URL. The aim here is for you to, y’know, hire me.

With only the slightest further ado, here are joke suggestions for tonight’s show:

• Ashton Kutcher beat CNN to be the first Twitter account with one million followers. But still… neither of them has as many friends as Tom! Remember Tom? From MySpace? Yeah, me neither.
• A 47-year-old Ohio teacher has resigned after admitting that she took several teenage female students to a male strip club. Which, you gotta admit, took some balls.
• Bill Murray was participating in a celebrity golf tournament, and hooked a shot so badly that he beaned a woman standing in her own front yard, right in the head. It’s the biggest hit Bill Murray’s had in years. (No, I’m kidding, I love Bill Murray!)
• Authorities yesterday arrested a woman dressed in camouflage walking around Britney Spears’ house in LA. Yeah, then they realized it was Britney Spears.

Here are some joke suggestions for tonight’s show. If Jimmy and his team think I’d be a good person to add to the show’s writing staff, they know where to find me!

• Two US Navy vessels collided this morning in the Strait of Hormuz. And I learned a new pickup line: Hey baby, let’s collide like a pair of US Navy vessels. President Obama said in a statement, “I haven’t seen a crash this bad since the economy.”
• Fred Durst today said that he really enjoyed his Britney Spears relationship. But, if you’re like me, you have no recollection of just who the heck Fred Durst is.
• Oprah Winfrey has invited Ellen Degeneres to share the cover of O magazine. The only other time Oprah shared the cover was with First Lady Michelle Obama. Yeah, apparently Ellen’s only remaining dream is to get under the covers with Oprah.
• The US Postal Service is cutting 1400 jobs, which should save them millions of dollars, or with the latest price hike, 12 stamps.
• On the Tonight Show last night, President Obama made a joke comparing his bowling to the Special Olympics — a remark he later apologized for, saying, “I should have said, ‘I bowl as well as you white people play basketball.’”
• March Madness is now completely underway. But with the economy as bad as it is, this year it’s known as March Unhappiness.

• Musical artist Prince will be releasing his next album exclusively in Target stores. This is what it sounds like when Wal-Mart cries.
• Lindsay Lohan is reportedly converting to Judaism. She’s given men and women a spin — apparently now it’s time for a dreidel.
• Both Britney Spears and Michael Jackson are planning comeback concert tours this year. And as a new host of a late-night talk show, let me just say: “Thank you, God.”
• A new study shows that animals can benefit from acupuncture. A spokesman for sheep warned that we should pay attention to the details of study saying: “You’re only supposed to put in a very specific kind of little prick.”
• Did any of you see The Bachelor last night? On the live episode that followed the finale, the bachelor dumped his fiancee and said he wanted to be with the runner-up instead. I haven’t seen a TV relationship end that fast since Fox cancelled Chevy Chase.

Can’t wait to see what Jimmy and his team come up with!