Hire Me, Jimmy Fallon! » Chevy Chase

Jokes for Show #11

Lex Friedman — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 20:49:09 +0000

New Jersey may ban professional Brazilian waxes. Because if there’s anything you want done by an amateur, it’s the application of hot wax to remove hair from your vagina, right ladies?
Chevy Chase will return to prime-time television, with a supporting role in a fall pilot for NBC. In future news, that show has been cancelled. Actually as of… NOW, I’ve had this show longer than Chevy Chase had his late night talk show. So congratulations, everyone!
New research says that some children may be freed of their peanut allergies if they eat a tiny crumb of peanut every day for weeks. And.. the rest of them will die. So… Yay?
A judge has withdrawn a warrant that had been out for Lindsay Lohan, after realizing that in fact, no, Lindsay Lohan can’t even get arrested in this town anymore.
President Barack Obama will appear on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno this week. And it’s gonna be a solid evening for late night on NBC that day, because I have Carrot Top and Roseanne. Yeah, you’re not going to want to miss that. But seriously, Tonight Show producers are reportedly trying really hard to book Pinnochio as well. That way, they can have the biggest nose, chin, and ears in world history, all in one place.

Jokes for Jimmy’s second show

Lex Friedman — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 21:28:00 +0000

The first night’s monologue was strong. I’m hoping that tonight Jimmy keeps up the pace (he rattled off jokes a bit quicker than Conan, Jay, or Dave do), and keeps things topical. Some ideas:

Musical artist Prince will be releasing his next album exclusively in Target stores. This is what it sounds like when Wal-Mart cries.
Lindsay Lohan is reportedly converting to Judaism. She’s given men and women a spin — apparently now it’s time for a dreidel.
Both Britney Spears and Michael Jackson are planning comeback concert tours this year. And as a new host of a late-night talk show, let me just say: “Thank you, God.”
A new study shows that animals can benefit from acupuncture. A spokesman for sheep warned that we should pay attention to the details of study saying: “You’re only supposed to put in a very specific kind of little prick.”
Did any of you see The Bachelor last night? On the live episode that followed the finale, the bachelor dumped his fiancee and said he wanted to be with the runner-up instead. I haven’t seen a TV relationship end that fast since Fox cancelled Chevy Chase.

Can’t wait to see what Jimmy and his team come up with!