Posted by Lex Friedman on Jun 1, 2009
- Susan Boyle ended up losing Britain’s Got Talent, and ended up admitting herself to a clinic for exhaustion. I’m not sure why she’s so tired. Probably from running through my mind all day. Where she was being chased with pitchforks and torches.
- An Air France jet disappeared earlier today. The Smoke Monster is wanted for questioning.
- Earlier today, Dick Cheney came out in favor of gay marriage, and said explicitly that there was no link between 9/11 and Saddam Hussein. Also today: Hell froze over.
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Tags: Air France, airplanes, Dick Cheney, gay marriae, Hell, Lost, Saddam Hussein, Susan Boyle
Posted by Lex Friedman on May 21, 2009
If Jimmy did shows every week, seven days each week, this would be his seventh consecutive week of doing just that. This meaningless statistic brought to you by HireMeJimmyFallon.com. Now, on with the jokes!
- Dick Cheney and President Barack Obama gave dueling speeches on foreign policy today. It worked out well, because there was not a single person in America who wanted tickets to both shows. That’s like Miley Cyrus having a concert at the same time as Metallica. Or Michael Jackson being busy during a convention for post-pubescent boys. No one’s missing anything.
- Filmmaker Michael Moore is making a documentary about the economic crisis. He’s very upset that foods on the $1 menu now cost $2. Yeah, his whole diet is messed up.
- Did you watch the American Idol season finale last night? Yeah, that was a big shocker at the end, right? Paula Abdul spoke in a coherent sentence. Let’s try again. Big shocker at the end, right? Randy Jackson spoke twice withOUT saying the word “dawg.”
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Tags: American Idol, Barack Obama, Dick Cheney, fast food, Metallica, Michael Jackson, Michael Moore, Miley Cyrus, Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson
Posted by Lex Friedman on May 18, 2009
- Researches have concluded that coffee, which was once thought to be a mostly unhealthy choice, could protect against diabetes, liver cancer and Parkinson’s disease. And if you’re wondering how to prepare your coffee for maximum healthiness, Dr. Wesley Snipes suggests that you always bet on black.
- Vice President Joe Biden confirmed over the weekend that there’s a secret bunker underneath the Vice President’s official residence. Yeah, Biden said he recognized it when he went into the basement, and Dick Cheney was hiding there.
- Penelope Cruz couldn’t make a planned appearance during an event at Cannes today. So organizers sent Salma Hayek instead, and no one noticed the difference.
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Tags: coffee, Dick Cheney, Joe Biden, Penelope Cruz, Salma Hayek, Wesley Snipes
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 6, 2009
As always (it’s easy to be consistent when you’re still in the first week of shows!) here are some joke suggestions for tonight’s monologue on Jimmy’s show:
- It was announced today that the unemployment rate is now topping 8.1%, the worst level since 1983. I’d have a joke about that, but we just fired all our writers.
- The New York Times ran a story today saying that President Obama has been using a teleprompter more than any past president. I mean, I’m sure he’s using it more than, say, Abraham Lincoln. That teleprompter was made of logs. I think Washington’s used smoke signals. But I mean, this seems a little bit like a non-issue, you know? The last administration did the same thing in their own way, just instead of teleprompter, Dick Cheney just used President Bush as a puppet.
- Because of a crackdown on illegal immigrants in Britain, circuses in the United Kingdom are now suffering from — this is true — a clown shortage. Man, whoever enacted that plan must have been a real Bozo. Sorry. I know, that was terrible. But if they really do want to find the guy responsible for this clown issue, they’re going to need to use circus-stantial evidence. I should stop now.
- Some parents are concerned about Nickelodeon’s plans to make a tween version of their popular animated “Dora the Explorer” character, with longer, flowing hair, a skirt, and long legs. The new toy’s going to be named “Dora the Sex-Whore-uh.”
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Tags: Abraham Lincoln, Barack Obama, circus, clowns, Dick Cheney, Dora the Explorer, economy, George W. Bush, New York Times, Nickelodeon, tweens, unemployment