Posted by Lex Friedman on Jun 5, 2009
- The jobless rate has hit 9.4% here in the US. I’d tell you more, but we fired the cue card guy.
- Susan Boyle has left a clinic where she was being treated for exhaustion. Meanwhile, I’m entering a clinic for people exhausted of hearing about Susan Boyle.
- A Spanish newspaper printed photos of Italy’s prime minister hanging out naked with a bunch of also-naked women. Hey, remember when WE were the country everyone laughed at?
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Tags: economy, Italy, recession, Spain, Susan Boyle, USA
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 16, 2009
- President Obama today warned that Americans shouldn’t get too confident that the economy is improving. The nation looked up from their dinner of Ramen Noodles and tap water and replied, “no problem.”
- KFC is rolling out a series of new menu items called Kentucky Grilled Chicken, using a brand new secret recipe and avoiding the deep fryer altogether. Millions of Americans who struggle with their weight are excited about this. You know who’s not, though? Chickens.
- Mel Gibson’s divorce could end up costing him more than $450 million. Which is confusing, because Mel always tells me that the Jews have all the money.
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Tags: Barack Obama, chicken, chickens, economy, fast food, Kentucky Fried Chicken, obesity
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 8, 2009
I’m almost adjusted to Mountain Time. Let’s rock this:
- The Obama administration is reportedly investigating “geoengineering,” the idea of fighting global warming by blowing cold air into the atmosphere. If they go ahead with the plan, it will mark the first time in more than 50 years that the White House has blown anything but hot air.
- Miley Cyrus wrote on her personal blog that she’s “a lot smarter than you think.” So apparently, she’s only very, very, very stupid. Nah, I’m just kidding — I LOVE Miley Cyrus. I mean, I will, in two years, when she’s legal.
- Visits to Las Vegas were down 8% in February. Damn! I had my money on 12%.
- The Jewish holiday of Passover starts tonight. It’s when the Jews eat unleavened bread, called matzah, and sit together for a long time because they’re what’s called “constipated.”
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Tags: Barack Obama, constipation, economy, gambling, global warming, Judaism, Las Vegas, matzah, Miley Cyrus, Passover, White House
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 3, 2009
- Billionaire and News Corp CEO Rupert Murdoch says that more newspapers should be charging for their online editions. Reached for comment, everyone else on the Internet disagreed with him.
- The US Postal Service is cutting another 1500 jobs. The extra bad news for the employees getting laid off is that supposedly, their severance checks are all, uh, “in the mail.” That’s unfortunate.
- Domino’s accidentally gave away 11,000 free pizzas on their website. Even more unfortunately for Domino’s, they had to deliver them all to Nigeria. Do you know how hard that is to do in 30 minutes?!
- Iowa today became the first state in the Midwest to approve same-sex marriages. In a survey of gay couples in Iowa, BOTH of them are really excited about the new law.
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Tags: Domino's, economy, gay marriage, Internet, Iowa, layoffs, newspapers, Nigeria, pizza, Rupert Murdoch, US Postal Service
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 31, 2009
- President Obama flew to Europe today, for the first overseas trip of his administration. I guess SOMEONE can still afford airfare in these tough economic times.
- The FDA now says Americans should avoid pistachios after yet another salmonella outbreak. Man, that is just nuts. I’m sorry, I know that’s a terrible joke, but all of us here at Late Night are really shell-shocked about this.
- A new musical is coming to broadway, based on the hit Green Day song “American Idiot.” It’ll be subtitled, “The Paris Hilton Story.”
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Tags: American Idiot, Barack Obama, broadway, economy, FDA, Green Day, jokes, nuts, Paris Hilton, pistachios, salmonella
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 31, 2009
The show is old enough to drink now! If you count days as years. And consider the show a human being subject to the laws of the United States.
Which I think we can all agree, we should do.
Anyway, I’m in LA this week, so the jokes will be posted a little later each day, and with a little less time for me to spend on them.
With that ringing endorsement, some joke ideas for tonight’s show:
- More than 100,000 former Christians in Britain have embraced their atheism by undergoing “de-Baptisms.” Let me just tell you, those ex-Christians have it a lot easier than the Jews.
- (Do I have to explain that one? I don’t want to force (skin) the issue.)
- The White House forced the CEO of GM to step down as part of its latest bailout. The ousted CEO will reportedly receive a $20 million severance package. THAT’LL teach him!
- A woman fired shots into the window of a Salt Lake City McDonald’s drive through after being told that they weren’t serving lunch yet. Apparently, the woman was just trying to order two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed GUN.
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Tags: atheists, Britain, Christians, economy, GM, Jews, McDonald's, White House
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 26, 2009
I am really happy with today’s batch of jokes. If you’re Jimmy Fallon, and you’re happy with these jokes too, feel free to hire me. (See the URL.)
- A new study has found that male circumcision helps prevent 2 STDs. And that’s just the tip of the — you know.
- A new website will feature more than ninety years of notes from various birdwatchers. The URL is TheMostBoringSiteOnTheEntireInternet.com.
- A US billionaire made history this week by becoming the first person ever to make TWO trips as a tourist into space. But you can tell we’re in a recession, because his seat on the space shuttle was in Business class. Yeah he couldn’t spring for First. And I hear the in-flight meals on the spaceship aren’t that great — the ice cream tastes like cardboard.
- President Obama conducted an online town hall meeting today, answering questions submitted by people on the Internet. Some of his most newsworthy answers were, “No, I don’t need Viagra,” “No, I’m not interested in claiming my Nigerian inheritance,” and “Yes, I will be your friend on Facebook.”
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Tags: Barack Obama, billionaire, bird watching, birds, circumcision, economy, Facebook, ice cream, Internet, jokes, penis, space, STDs, Viagra
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 25, 2009
My latest batch of monologue jokes. Jimmy — call me!
- Breaking news: The economy still sucks. The Metropolitan Transportation Agency has decided to raise subway fares, and cut some service here in New York. Yeah, as part of the cutbacks, they’re going to stop piping in that delicious “old urine” smell, which is a real shame.
- HBO is prepping a movie about Bill and Hillary Clinton. Julianne Moore’s playing Hillary, and for Bill Clinton, they wanted to find the perfect man for the role, so they cast Ron Jeremy. The resemblance is striking.
- A British teenager painted a giant penis on the roof of his parents’ house, hoping it would be seen using Google Earth. But the teenager was, in fact, an even bigger dick.
- President Obama is taking questions from Internet surfers on WhiteHouse.gov. So far, the top questions are: “A/S/L?” and “Will you follow me on Twitter?”
- The Post Office today warned congress that they’re billions of dollars in debt, and could go completely bankrupt this year, or need to layoff thousands of postal workers. Yeah, because that’s just what we need: Thousands of disgruntled postal employees. What could possibly go wrong?
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Tags: Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, economy, Hillary Clinton, Internet, layoffs, New York, Postal Service, Ron Jeremy, subway, Twitter
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 23, 2009
Wow. 16 shows. Feels like just three weeks ago we were on Show #1. Here are some joke suggestions for tonight’s show, in my ongoing quest to show Jimmy and his team that they ought to hire me for their writing staff.
- Both Lance Armstrong and Today host Matt Lauer were injured in bicycling accidents today. Lauer’s bike crash was actually more serious… Now, between him and Lance, they have exactly two testicles.
- Actually, Lance broke his collarbone, and it’s unclear whether he’ll be able to compete in the Tour de France this summer. It’s thus also unclear whether anyone in America will bother watching the Tour de France.
- Bruce Willis married his model/actress girlfriend over the weekend. Yeah, she’s 24 years younger than he is. I’d make a joke about that, but, uh, I don’t want Bruce to come kick my ass. Ashton Kutcher was there, along with Demi Moore. Which was good, because then Ashton and Bruce’s new wife could sit together at the kids’ table.
- Insurance giant AIG had workmen out on the front of their building here in New York City over the weekend, tearing down the name AIG and putting up a new sign with the company’s new name. It’s called: CLOSED.
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Tags: AIG, Ashton Kutcher, Bruce Willis, cycling, Demi Moore, economy, Lance Armstrong, Matt Lauer, Tour de France
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 20, 2009
Three weeks of shows! Amazing. Jimmy continues to settle into his new role nicely, and I think the show continues to improve. I love the wide-ranging variety of comedy bits they’ve been incorporating.
Here are some joke suggestions for tonight’s show. If Jimmy and his team think I’d be a good person to add to the show’s writing staff, they know where to find me!
- Two US Navy vessels collided this morning in the Strait of Hormuz. And I learned a new pickup line: Hey baby, let’s collide like a pair of US Navy vessels. President Obama said in a statement, “I haven’t seen a crash this bad since the economy.”
- Fred Durst today said that he really enjoyed his Britney Spears relationship. But, if you’re like me, you have no recollection of just who the heck Fred Durst is.
- Oprah Winfrey has invited Ellen Degeneres to share the cover of O magazine. The only other time Oprah shared the cover was with First Lady Michelle Obama. Yeah, apparently Ellen’s only remaining dream is to get under the covers with Oprah.
- The US Postal Service is cutting 1400 jobs, which should save them millions of dollars, or with the latest price hike, 12 stamps.
- On the Tonight Show last night, President Obama made a joke comparing his bowling to the Special Olympics — a remark he later apologized for, saying, “I should have said, ‘I bowl as well as you white people play basketball.’”
- March Madness is now completely underway. But with the economy as bad as it is, this year it’s known as March Unhappiness.
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Tags: Barack Obama, basketball, bowling, Britney Spears, economy, Ellen Degeneres, Fred Durst, Jay Leno, jokes, March Madness, Michelle Obama, Navy, O Magazine, Oprah Winfrey, Postal Service, Special Olympics, Tonight Show