Ellen Degeneres will be joining the cast of American Idol, taking over for Paula Abdul. To prepare for her new role, Ellen is reportedly studying music, and forgetting how to speak coherent English.

President Obama says he accepts the apology from Joe Wilson for having yelled out “You lie!” during the Congressional address earlier this week. But reportedly, he had his fingers crossed when he accepted it.

Ten Andy Warhol paintings were stolen from a California home earlier this week. Police have released this sketch:

Here are some joke suggestions for tonight’s show. If Jimmy and his team think I’d be a good person to add to the show’s writing staff, they know where to find me!

• Two US Navy vessels collided this morning in the Strait of Hormuz. And I learned a new pickup line: Hey baby, let’s collide like a pair of US Navy vessels. President Obama said in a statement, “I haven’t seen a crash this bad since the economy.”
• Fred Durst today said that he really enjoyed his Britney Spears relationship. But, if you’re like me, you have no recollection of just who the heck Fred Durst is.
• Oprah Winfrey has invited Ellen Degeneres to share the cover of O magazine. The only other time Oprah shared the cover was with First Lady Michelle Obama. Yeah, apparently Ellen’s only remaining dream is to get under the covers with Oprah.
• The US Postal Service is cutting 1400 jobs, which should save them millions of dollars, or with the latest price hike, 12 stamps.
• On the Tonight Show last night, President Obama made a joke comparing his bowling to the Special Olympics — a remark he later apologized for, saying, “I should have said, ‘I bowl as well as you white people play basketball.’”
• March Madness is now completely underway. But with the economy as bad as it is, this year it’s known as March Unhappiness.