Jokes for Vacation Show #5

Today marks 30 shows’ worth of jokes I’ve written for Jimmy Fallon as part of this open application to get a job writing for his Late Night show. So far, I’ve no idea whether Jimmy’s seen it, liked it, or attempted to hire me and not left a voicemail. If you or someone you know is Jimmy Fallon — call me.

Jimmy’s last day of his current vacation is tonight, so here are some jokes he won’t use since he’s still in reruns today:

• Today is Good Friday. Unless you’re Jewish, in which case today is Constipated From Matzah Friday.
• Lance Armstrong says French authorities may not let him race in the Tour de France this year, because he violated drug test rules by taking a shower before providing samples. Man, not getting to race seems harsh, though, right? It’s like getting kicked in the ball.

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Tags: France, Good Friday, Judaism, matzah, Passover, Tour de France

Jokes for Vacation Day #4

Jimmy’s still off, and I’m subsisting on matzah. Here come the joke suggestions for tonight’s non-existent show:

• The Post Office is getting ready to launch a new stamp featuring The Simpsons. The “OJ” one comes with a free letter opener. A very, very sharp letter opener.
• An eight-year study has concluded that married couples are happier before they have children, and that marital bliss and satisfaction drop after having even just one kid. The study was conducted by… Your Parents. Ouch.
• French workers on strike blocked tourists from getting to the Eiffel Tower. Usually, when tourists in France are blocked, it’s from too much French cheese.

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Tags: cheese, children, constipation, couples, Eiffel Tower, France, marriage, OJ Simpson, Paris, Postal Service, The Simpsons, US Postal Service