Posted by Lex Friedman on Jun 12, 2009
- Former President George Bush celebrated his 85th birthday today by skydiving. It’s the first time ever that the senior Bush has been higher than W.
- Heidi Montag, from I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, announced today that she’ll pose for Playboy, as part of the magazine’s “I’m a Talentless Hack, Get My Clothes Off of Me” issue.
No Comments
Tags: George Bush, George W. Bush, Heidi Montag, Playboy
Posted by Lex Friedman on May 4, 2009
Jimmy’s back, and I am too!
Here are some jokes for tonight’s show:
- Barack Obama now passed his first 100 days in office. Or, as former president George W. Bush calls it, “about a year or two.”
- Scientists now say that swine flu isn’t as bad as scary as they initially thought. Relieved, two of the The Three Little pigs have now stepped out of their homes, and were promptly eaten by The Big Bad Wolf. Eesh.
- I guess there are things more dangerous than swine flu. The late two little pigs are survived, as always, by the delicious smell of bacon.
- The Supreme Court issued a ruling saying that a court that previously ruled CBS should not half to pay a half-million dollar fine for Janet Jackson’s Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction, should reconsider that decision. In its ruling, the Supreme Court said: “CBS should have gotten her to take off that weird nipple ring, because it blocked the view.” I’m guessing Clarence Thomas wrote that.
No Comments
Tags: Barack Obama, Clarence Thomas, George W. Bush, Janet Jackson, law, pigs, Super Bowl, Supreme Court, swine flu
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 29, 2009
Jimmy’s still off, so I’m offering limited jokes today:
- President Obama plans to address the nation tonight, but the Fox network won’t carry his speech. Instead, they’re planning to show a new episode of the show “Lie to Me.” Which I believe will be a re-run of one of former President George W. Bush’s speeches, actually.
- Tonight, ABC’s Lost will show its 100th episode. And for the 100th time, at the end of that episode, everyone in the audience will say, “Huh?”
- And of course, swine flu is still on everyone’s mind. It turns out that this little piggy, the one that cried “wee wee wee” all the way home — was sick with swine flu. That explains the screaming.
No Comments
Tags: ABC, Barack Obama, Fox, George W. Bush, Lie to Me, Lost, pigs, swine flu, television
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 1, 2009
- UC San Diego accidentally sent out emails welcoming 29,000 high school seniors — whose applications the university had, in fact, rejected. As an act of good will, the Dean of Admissions told affected high schoolers that now they COULD attend the school. He added, “NOT!”
- CBS has cancelled long-running soap opera “Guiding Light” after 72 years and 16,000 episodes. I KNEW they’d never last!
- President Obama gave the Queen of England an iPod during his visit with her today. I wonder what songs are on it, though. I’m guessing, “Dancing Queen.” That’d be fitting.
- ER will air its final episode on NBC tomorrow. Which is ironic, since now the entire network needs life support.
- And, of course, it’s April Fool’s Day, a day when we laugh at the easily fooled, gullible people around us. Or, as former President Bush calls it, Wednesday.
4 Comments
Tags: April Fool's Day, Barack Obama, CBS, college, Dancing Queen, ER, George W. Bush, Guiding Light, iPod, jokes, NBC, Queen Elizabeth, soap operas, television, UC San Diego
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 19, 2009
I’m late with these today. If Jimmy hired me, I could focus on writing him jokes as my full-time job!
- A picture was released today of Charles Manson, who’s now clearing showing signs of his age — 74-years-old. Even the swastika carved in his forehead is going gray. That’s old.
- Two firetrucks in Philadelphia crashed into each other today — and no one showed up to help them. Six dalmatians were injured.
- A new study finds that drinking with your friends is actually good for you. Luckily, so is drunk dialing your ex and puking into your toilet.
- Teachers and a principal in Dallas have been accused — this is true — of having high school students settle their grievances with cage matches. The school defended the practice, saying it was part of the 3 R’s: Reading, Writing, and Really kicking the crap out of your classmates. Several of the students at the school are now reportedly courting Rihanna.
- Former President Bush is planning a book about the 11 toughest decisions he’s had to make in his life. Number #4 on the list is apparently “Choosing to make this book a coloring book.” It has a drawing of a monkey to color in, I think.
No Comments
Tags: Charles Manson, Dallas, drinking, George W. Bush, jokes, Philadelphia, school, students
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 12, 2009
- Yesterday on the show, we conducted The Twitter Experiment, where got a random audience member more than 20,000 followers on the website Twitter.com. As an added bonus, that audience member — Bryan Brinkman — got 100,000 nerd points. Which I think are worth something in Dungeons and Dragons.
- Bernie Madoff is now in jail, after pleading guilty to running a Ponzi scheme. He actually showed up to court today in a designer leather jacket and say “Aaay” a lot. Yeah, apparently he was trying to convince the judge he was running a Fonzie scheme.
- The International Space Station got dangerously close to some orbiting space junk. But I learned a new pick up line: “Hey baby… Want to get your International Space Station dangerously close to my space junk?”
- ER is getting closer to its final episode here on NBC, after four thousand seasons. They’re thinking of doing a spin-off now, without all the emergencies and stuff. Yeah, they’re just going to call it R.
- The Iraqi guy who threw a shoe at former President Bush was sentenced to three years in prison. You throw a shoe at him, they throw the book at you.
No Comments
Tags: Bernie Madoff, ER, Fonzie, George W. Bush, International Space Station, NBC, pickup lines, Twitter
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 6, 2009
As always (it’s easy to be consistent when you’re still in the first week of shows!) here are some joke suggestions for tonight’s monologue on Jimmy’s show:
- It was announced today that the unemployment rate is now topping 8.1%, the worst level since 1983. I’d have a joke about that, but we just fired all our writers.
- The New York Times ran a story today saying that President Obama has been using a teleprompter more than any past president. I mean, I’m sure he’s using it more than, say, Abraham Lincoln. That teleprompter was made of logs. I think Washington’s used smoke signals. But I mean, this seems a little bit like a non-issue, you know? The last administration did the same thing in their own way, just instead of teleprompter, Dick Cheney just used President Bush as a puppet.
- Because of a crackdown on illegal immigrants in Britain, circuses in the United Kingdom are now suffering from — this is true — a clown shortage. Man, whoever enacted that plan must have been a real Bozo. Sorry. I know, that was terrible. But if they really do want to find the guy responsible for this clown issue, they’re going to need to use circus-stantial evidence. I should stop now.
- Some parents are concerned about Nickelodeon’s plans to make a tween version of their popular animated “Dora the Explorer” character, with longer, flowing hair, a skirt, and long legs. The new toy’s going to be named “Dora the Sex-Whore-uh.”
2 Comments
Tags: Abraham Lincoln, Barack Obama, circus, clowns, Dick Cheney, Dora the Explorer, economy, George W. Bush, New York Times, Nickelodeon, tweens, unemployment