Jokes for Show #39

Posted by Lex Friedman on May 7, 2009

Manny Ramirez has been suspended for 50 games after testing positive for a banned performance-enhancing substance. And if you think that’s bad, just a week or two ago, Carl Crawford was arrested for stealing six bases. It’s a real baseball crime spree.
Rupert Murdoch says that within a year, most major websites will charge for content. I’ll tell you the punchline to this joke for $4.99. Or, $25 will get you access to punchlines for a full year.
Congressman Jim Moran is pushing a new bill to ban ads for erectile dysfunction medications. So far, though, the Congressman says he’s having a tough time getting a lot hard support built up. For the bill, I mean.

Jokes for Show #34

Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 23, 2009

Researchers have successfully demonstrated technology that lets you post to Twitter using only your brain. It marks the first time a brain has ever been used when posting on the Internet.
No, actually, the first Twitter post ever written directly from a tester’s brain was, and I quote, “Donuts donuts donuts donuts donuts.” That’s apparently what he was thinking at the time. All the time.
MySpace has hired a new CEO. I’m totally gonna post about that — on Facebook.
Susan Boyle, the singer from Britain’s Got Talent who’s been viewed 80 million times on YouTube, was in the news today because she got her eyebrows plucked. Really. Yeah, they say that each time they ripped out another eyebrow hair, her yelps of pain sounded like Christina Aguilera.

Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 3, 2009

Billionaire and News Corp CEO Rupert Murdoch says that more newspapers should be charging for their online editions. Reached for comment, everyone else on the Internet disagreed with him.
The US Postal Service is cutting another 1500 jobs. The extra bad news for the employees getting laid off is that supposedly, their severance checks are all, uh, “in the mail.” That’s unfortunate.
Domino’s accidentally gave away 11,000 free pizzas on their website. Even more unfortunately for Domino’s, they had to deliver them all to Nigeria. Do you know how hard that is to do in 30 minutes?!
Iowa today became the first state in the Midwest to approve same-sex marriages. In a survey of gay couples in Iowa, BOTH of them are really excited about the new law.

Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 26, 2009

I am really happy with today’s batch of jokes. If you’re Jimmy Fallon, and you’re happy with these jokes too, feel free to hire me. (See the URL.)

A new study has found that male circumcision helps prevent 2 STDs. And that’s just the tip of the — you know.
A new website will feature more than ninety years of notes from various birdwatchers. The URL is TheMostBoringSiteOnTheEntireInternet.com.
A US billionaire made history this week by becoming the first person ever to make TWO trips as a tourist into space. But you can tell we’re in a recession, because his seat on the space shuttle was in Business class. Yeah he couldn’t spring for First. And I hear the in-flight meals on the spaceship aren’t that great — the ice cream tastes like cardboard.
President Obama conducted an online town hall meeting today, answering questions submitted by people on the Internet. Some of his most newsworthy answers were, “No, I don’t need Viagra,” “No, I’m not interested in claiming my Nigerian inheritance,” and “Yes, I will be your friend on Facebook.”

Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 25, 2009

My latest batch of monologue jokes. Jimmy — call me!

Breaking news: The economy still sucks. The Metropolitan Transportation Agency has decided to raise subway fares, and cut some service here in New York. Yeah, as part of the cutbacks, they’re going to stop piping in that delicious “old urine” smell, which is a real shame.
HBO is prepping a movie about Bill and Hillary Clinton. Julianne Moore’s playing Hillary, and for Bill Clinton, they wanted to find the perfect man for the role, so they cast Ron Jeremy. The resemblance is striking.
A British teenager painted a giant penis on the roof of his parents’ house, hoping it would be seen using Google Earth. But the teenager was, in fact, an even bigger dick.
President Obama is taking questions from Internet surfers on WhiteHouse.gov. So far, the top questions are: “A/S/L?” and “Will you follow me on Twitter?”
The Post Office today warned congress that they’re billions of dollars in debt, and could go completely bankrupt this year, or need to layoff thousands of postal workers. Yeah, because that’s just what we need: Thousands of disgruntled postal employees. What could possibly go wrong?