Posted by Lex Friedman on Jun 10, 2009
- Breaking news: Adam Lambert is still gay. I did not see that one coming. Almost as shocking as when he first came out, right?
- A bill in Congress would make it illegal for television commercials to be louder than TV shows themselves. So after talking to executives here at NBC, WE’RE MAKING SOME CHANGES TO LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON!
- Former Playboy playmate and Hugh Hefner’s ex Kendra Wilkinson is expecting a baby with her fiancee, Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Hank Baskett. The baby will join Kendra’s great pair of twins.
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Tags: Adam Lambert, congress, gay, Hank Baskett, Hugh Hefner, Jimmy Fallon, jokes, Kendra Wilkinson, Philadelphia Eagles, Playboy, TV
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 27, 2009
Don’t forget that Hire Me, Jimmy Fallon! will be on Detroit’s 106.7 FM Tuesday morning at 10am! You can listen live. Unless we’re all dead from Swine Flu first.
- Anybody here have swine flu yet? Oh, who am I kidding, we all do.
- “Swine flu,” or as Alec Baldwin described it to his daughter… “Flu.”
- But seriously, this swine flu situation is scary. I mean, really, genuinely scary. First of all, I want to know who was making out with a pig. Because I think that’s how it jumps from pigs to humans, right?
- The World Health Organization today raised its “pandemic flu alert level” to 4, for the first time ever. New Yorkers are urged to report any suspicious sneezes they see on the subway.
- Oh, breaking news — this just in: Porky Pig is dead. I know, it’s tragic. He is survived by the delicious smell of bacon.
- Mexico, which has been hardest-hit by this swine flu outbreak, also suffered a serious earthquake today. Experts believe it was caused by one million Mexicans coughing up swine flu lugies in unison.
Update: I hadn’t realized that Jimmy was off this week. So, all week long, I’m writing Jokes and Jimmy’s not even on the air!
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Tags: Alec Baldwin, flu, jokes, Mexico, New York, swine flu, WHO
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 24, 2009
Another Friday show. Good times.
- A report released today says that birds crash into planes leaving LaGuardia airport about once a week. A spokesman for birds said, “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” as a plane crashed into him. That’s unfortunate. I hope they have another spokesman. Or spokesbird.
- My friend Jay Leno had to cancel his shows yesterday and today after being briefly hospitalized. One report now says that Jay got hurt attempting to ride his motorcycle. Yeah, he tried to tighten the chin strap. Ouch.
- No, I’m kidding, Jay’s doing fine, and all of us here at Late Night can’t wait till he’s back on the air. And I know David Letterman sent a gift basket, filled with undercooked meats and cyanide. He’s so thoughtful.
- The NFL draft starts this weekend. It’s the one time of year that pudgy white guys get more excited about college MEN in uniforms.
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Tags: airplanes, birds, chin, college, David Letterman, draft, Jay Leno, jokes, LaGuardia, NFL
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 7, 2009
Jimmy’s still off. I spent 11+ hours on air travel today, but I’m still devoted to giving him jokes that he simply can’t use. That’s dedication. Or insanity. Or both.
- Jessica Simpson says she doesn’t mind that Eminem makes fun of her for gaining weight in one of his new songs. At least, we think that’s what she said. It was hard to understand her with the cheeseburger in her mouth.
- Vermont is the latest state to legalize gay marriage. Vermont, of course, has reportedly been dating New Hampshire on the sly for months.
Okay, I’m tired and jet lagged. Forgive me. Hilarity will re-ensue tomorrow.
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Tags: airplanes, cheeseburgers, Eminem, gay marriage, Jessica Simpson, jokes, New Hampshire, travel, Vermont
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 1, 2009
- UC San Diego accidentally sent out emails welcoming 29,000 high school seniors — whose applications the university had, in fact, rejected. As an act of good will, the Dean of Admissions told affected high schoolers that now they COULD attend the school. He added, “NOT!”
- CBS has cancelled long-running soap opera “Guiding Light” after 72 years and 16,000 episodes. I KNEW they’d never last!
- President Obama gave the Queen of England an iPod during his visit with her today. I wonder what songs are on it, though. I’m guessing, “Dancing Queen.” That’d be fitting.
- ER will air its final episode on NBC tomorrow. Which is ironic, since now the entire network needs life support.
- And, of course, it’s April Fool’s Day, a day when we laugh at the easily fooled, gullible people around us. Or, as former President Bush calls it, Wednesday.
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Tags: April Fool's Day, Barack Obama, CBS, college, Dancing Queen, ER, George W. Bush, Guiding Light, iPod, jokes, NBC, Queen Elizabeth, soap operas, television, UC San Diego
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 31, 2009
- President Obama flew to Europe today, for the first overseas trip of his administration. I guess SOMEONE can still afford airfare in these tough economic times.
- The FDA now says Americans should avoid pistachios after yet another salmonella outbreak. Man, that is just nuts. I’m sorry, I know that’s a terrible joke, but all of us here at Late Night are really shell-shocked about this.
- A new musical is coming to broadway, based on the hit Green Day song “American Idiot.” It’ll be subtitled, “The Paris Hilton Story.”
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Tags: American Idiot, Barack Obama, broadway, economy, FDA, Green Day, jokes, nuts, Paris Hilton, pistachios, salmonella
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 27, 2009
- The FAA wants to keep information about birds that crash into airplanes a secret from the public. And from birds.
- Singer Rihanna has gotten several new tattoos of guns. In a related story, Chris Brown got a tattoo of his own fists.
- Dane Cook’s half-brother is in jail, accused of stealing millions of dollars from the comedian. So THAT’S where the money for his comedy lessons went!
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Tags: airplanes, birds, Chris Brown, Dane Cook, FAA, jokes, Rihanna, tattoos
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 26, 2009
I am really happy with today’s batch of jokes. If you’re Jimmy Fallon, and you’re happy with these jokes too, feel free to hire me. (See the URL.)
- A new study has found that male circumcision helps prevent 2 STDs. And that’s just the tip of the — you know.
- A new website will feature more than ninety years of notes from various birdwatchers. The URL is TheMostBoringSiteOnTheEntireInternet.com.
- A US billionaire made history this week by becoming the first person ever to make TWO trips as a tourist into space. But you can tell we’re in a recession, because his seat on the space shuttle was in Business class. Yeah he couldn’t spring for First. And I hear the in-flight meals on the spaceship aren’t that great — the ice cream tastes like cardboard.
- President Obama conducted an online town hall meeting today, answering questions submitted by people on the Internet. Some of his most newsworthy answers were, “No, I don’t need Viagra,” “No, I’m not interested in claiming my Nigerian inheritance,” and “Yes, I will be your friend on Facebook.”
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Tags: Barack Obama, billionaire, bird watching, birds, circumcision, economy, Facebook, ice cream, Internet, jokes, penis, space, STDs, Viagra
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 20, 2009
Three weeks of shows! Amazing. Jimmy continues to settle into his new role nicely, and I think the show continues to improve. I love the wide-ranging variety of comedy bits they’ve been incorporating.
Here are some joke suggestions for tonight’s show. If Jimmy and his team think I’d be a good person to add to the show’s writing staff, they know where to find me!
- Two US Navy vessels collided this morning in the Strait of Hormuz. And I learned a new pickup line: Hey baby, let’s collide like a pair of US Navy vessels. President Obama said in a statement, “I haven’t seen a crash this bad since the economy.”
- Fred Durst today said that he really enjoyed his Britney Spears relationship. But, if you’re like me, you have no recollection of just who the heck Fred Durst is.
- Oprah Winfrey has invited Ellen Degeneres to share the cover of O magazine. The only other time Oprah shared the cover was with First Lady Michelle Obama. Yeah, apparently Ellen’s only remaining dream is to get under the covers with Oprah.
- The US Postal Service is cutting 1400 jobs, which should save them millions of dollars, or with the latest price hike, 12 stamps.
- On the Tonight Show last night, President Obama made a joke comparing his bowling to the Special Olympics — a remark he later apologized for, saying, “I should have said, ‘I bowl as well as you white people play basketball.’”
- March Madness is now completely underway. But with the economy as bad as it is, this year it’s known as March Unhappiness.
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Tags: Barack Obama, basketball, bowling, Britney Spears, economy, Ellen Degeneres, Fred Durst, Jay Leno, jokes, March Madness, Michelle Obama, Navy, O Magazine, Oprah Winfrey, Postal Service, Special Olympics, Tonight Show
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 19, 2009
I’m late with these today. If Jimmy hired me, I could focus on writing him jokes as my full-time job!
- A picture was released today of Charles Manson, who’s now clearing showing signs of his age — 74-years-old. Even the swastika carved in his forehead is going gray. That’s old.
- Two firetrucks in Philadelphia crashed into each other today — and no one showed up to help them. Six dalmatians were injured.
- A new study finds that drinking with your friends is actually good for you. Luckily, so is drunk dialing your ex and puking into your toilet.
- Teachers and a principal in Dallas have been accused — this is true — of having high school students settle their grievances with cage matches. The school defended the practice, saying it was part of the 3 R’s: Reading, Writing, and Really kicking the crap out of your classmates. Several of the students at the school are now reportedly courting Rihanna.
- Former President Bush is planning a book about the 11 toughest decisions he’s had to make in his life. Number #4 on the list is apparently “Choosing to make this book a coloring book.” It has a drawing of a monkey to color in, I think.
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Tags: Charles Manson, Dallas, drinking, George W. Bush, jokes, Philadelphia, school, students