Hire Me, Jimmy Fallon! » Jon and Kate Plus 8

Whoa! What’s going on around here?

Lex Friedman — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 14:43:37 +0000

I’ve gotten a bit lax at posting daily jokes for Jimmy, as you’ve seen. Once we crossed the hundred show barrier and I still hadn’t heard from Mr. Fallon or his team, I got a little less optimistic.

That said, I’m continuing to run JimmyFallon.com, and I will continue to pump out joke ideas for Jimmy here, but I’m going to have to give up on the daily thing — until and unless Jimmy starts paying me to do it!

Now that Jon has been fired from Jon and Kate Plus 8, and the show’s been renamed simply Kate Plus 8, we’ve learned that Jon has his own new show debuting next week right here on NBC: Jon Minus Dignity.
Conan’s ratings on the Tonight Show climbed up for his first show after his concussion when he hit his head last Friday taping the show. Tune in tomorrow, when Conan sets himself on fire!

Jokes for Shows #84, 85, and 86

Lex Friedman — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 22:00:23 +0000

I’ve been lax, but that’s mostly because I was traveling through LAX. Now that I’m ex-LAX, expect a daily posting schedule here for Fallon jokes to resume.

Now Jimmy, let’s not forget that as you near the 100 show mark, I’ve penned you several hundred monologue jokes. At any point, you may feel free to a) call, and then b) hire me. Email works too, of course.

The NFL has given Michael Vick permission to play football professionally again. Which is great news, since so many in the media thought that his career had gone to the dogs. Literally.
Jon Gosselin, of Jon and Kate Plus 8, continues to deny reports linking him with various women. Those same women, meanwhile, continue to deny reports that they have good taste in men.
Lance Armstrong finished third in the Tour de France over the weekend, in a race that he hopes will finally show doubters that he isn’t a doper. Because remember kids, cheaters finish FIRST.
One of the Jonas Brothers has broken up with his actress-girlfriend. But if you have any idea who I’m talking about, you’re up way past your bedtime right now.

Jokes for Shows #81, 82, and 83

Lex Friedman — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 23:51:16 +0000

I’ve been in California for work, which has made joke-writing time more scarce. Here are more jokes than usual, to make up for my absence:

The “Yo Quiero Taco Bell” dog has died. But his memory will live on in Taco Bell. Specifically, in the tacos they serve.
Jon Gosselin, of Jon and Kate Plus 8, has been photographed cavorting with various women since his very public separation from his wife, Kate. That’s right: A man who’s gonna have to pay child support for nearly a baseball team’s worth of kids is still more attractive to women than you.
Amazon.com today bought Internet retailer Zappos.com for 800 million dollars. That’s enough to buy nearly seven Kindles.
A mother has been arrested for neglect for allowing her teenage son to balloon to 555 pounds. In fact, we have a photo of the mother here:
Actor Stephen Baldwin has filed for bankruptcy. Meanwhile, his brother Alec has filed for excessive handsomeness.

Jokes for Show #72

Lex Friedman — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 01:38:39 +0000

Did you all hear about TLC’s latest show? Jon and Kate Plus 8 Lawyers.
Elizabeth Hasselbeck is being sued for stealing ideas from another author for her new diet book. The author became suspicious when Hasselbeck claimed to have written a book.

Jokes for Show #71

Lex Friedman — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 23:59:18 +0000

Jon and Kate have filed for divorce. TLC, the network that airs Jon and Kate Plus 8, is reportedly planning two spinoffs: Kate Plus 8, and Jon Minus Two-Thirds of His Paycheck.
Gossip blogger Perez Hilton got punched in the face last night by a body guard for the Black Eyed Peas. His condition is listed as Fergalicious.
After suffering 125 bug bits, Stephen Baldwin has quit NBC’s I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here. The insects, meanwhile have been given the Medal of Honor. And a detailed drawing of Sanjaya.

Jokes for Show #69

Lex Friedman — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 02:14:12 +0000

PETA — this is true — today said that it objected to President Obama’s having killed a fly during a television interview. I don’t really have a joke here, but do I really need one?
Officials have been unable to close a loophole that legalizes prostitution indoors in Rhode Island. Now, they’re considering embracing the law instead, starting with their new state motto: “The island’s not the only thing that got Rhode.”
Jon and Kate, of Jon and Kate Plus Eight, promise a so-called major announcement on their show on Monday. I’m guessing it’s that they’re planning on finally admitting — that they killed a fly.

Jokes for Show #58

Lex Friedman — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 21:52:18 +0000

First, the bad news: Osama Bin Laden released a new tape today. The good news, though — it’s a sex tape. So that’s interesting. “Osama Gone Wild.” He shows some leg in this one.
The National Enquirer is reporting that Brad and Angelina might be splitting up. If Brad leaves Angelina for one particular woman, look forward to seeing “Brad and Kate Plus 28.”

Jokes for Show #55

Lex Friedman — Fri, 29 May 2009 21:12:24 +0000

Today’s show number marks Jimmy’s first palindromic episode since a whopping eleven episodes ago. Amazing, no?!

Jon and Kate, of Jon and Kate Plus 8, are being investigated in Pennsylvania for possible violations of the state’s child labor laws, relating to their use of their kids on camera. I’m not surprised, you know? I mean, calling your kids “sextuplets” just seems inappropriate at that age. They’re too young to talk about sex.
Just before our show started, of course, Jay Leno hosted his last episode of The Tonight Show. Jay told his audience that he’s happy to be going out on top. Yeah, he’s so on top, he’s actually higher than Kevin Eubanks.
No, I’m kidding. It’s not possible to be higher than Kevin Eubanks.
In all seriousness, congratulations to Jay, and to Conan O’Brien, who’ll be taking over The Tonight Show starting this Monday. Conan surely knows, it’s gonna be tough to step into Jay’s shoes. And even tougher to settle into his chin strap.

Jokes for Show #53

Lex Friedman — Wed, 27 May 2009 20:46:49 +0000

Scientists have genetically engineered monkeys to give birth to green-glowing babies. The studies being published in this month’s Journal of What the Hell Are You Thinking.
Jon and Kate may be headed for a divorce. They’re planning a new show, Jon and Kate Plus 83 Lawyers.