Jokes for Vacation Show #5

Today marks 30 shows’ worth of jokes I’ve written for Jimmy Fallon as part of this open application to get a job writing for his Late Night show. So far, I’ve no idea whether Jimmy’s seen it, liked it, or attempted to hire me and not left a voicemail. If you or someone you know is Jimmy Fallon — call me.

Jimmy’s last day of his current vacation is tonight, so here are some jokes he won’t use since he’s still in reruns today:

• Today is Good Friday. Unless you’re Jewish, in which case today is Constipated From Matzah Friday.
• Lance Armstrong says French authorities may not let him race in the Tour de France this year, because he violated drug test rules by taking a shower before providing samples. Man, not getting to race seems harsh, though, right? It’s like getting kicked in the ball.

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Tags: France, Good Friday, Judaism, matzah, Passover, Tour de France

Jokes for Vacation Day #3

I’m almost adjusted to Mountain Time. Let’s rock this:

• The Obama administration is reportedly investigating “geoengineering,” the idea of fighting global warming by blowing cold air into the atmosphere. If they go ahead with the plan, it will mark the first time in more than 50 years that the White House has blown anything but hot air.
• Miley Cyrus wrote on her personal blog that she’s “a lot smarter than you think.” So apparently, she’s only very, very, very stupid. Nah, I’m just kidding — I LOVE Miley Cyrus. I mean, I will, in two years, when she’s legal.
• Visits to Las Vegas were down 8% in February. Damn! I had my money on 12%.
• The Jewish holiday of Passover starts tonight. It’s when the Jews eat unleavened bread, called matzah, and sit together for a long time because they’re what’s called “constipated.”

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Tags: Barack Obama, constipation, economy, gambling, global warming, Judaism, Las Vegas, matzah, Miley Cyrus, Passover, White House

Jokes for Jimmy’s second show

The first night’s monologue was strong. I’m hoping that tonight Jimmy keeps up the pace (he rattled off jokes a bit quicker than Conan, Jay, or Dave do), and keeps things topical. Some ideas:

• Musical artist Prince will be releasing his next album exclusively in Target stores. This is what it sounds like when Wal-Mart cries.
• Lindsay Lohan is reportedly converting to Judaism. She’s given men and women a spin — apparently now it’s time for a dreidel.
• Both Britney Spears and Michael Jackson are planning comeback concert tours this year. And as a new host of a late-night talk show, let me just say: “Thank you, God.”
• A new study shows that animals can benefit from acupuncture. A spokesman for sheep warned that we should pay attention to the details of study saying: “You’re only supposed to put in a very specific kind of little prick.”
• Did any of you see The Bachelor last night? On the live episode that followed the finale, the bachelor dumped his fiancee and said he wanted to be with the runner-up instead. I haven’t seen a TV relationship end that fast since Fox cancelled Chevy Chase.

Can’t wait to see what Jimmy and his team come up with!

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Tags: acupuncture, Britney Spears, Chevy Chase, Jimmy Fallon, jokes, Judaism, Lindsay Lohan, Michael Jackson, Prince, Target, The Bachelor, Wal-Mart