Jokes for Show #11

Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 16, 2009

New Jersey may ban professional Brazilian waxes. Because if there’s anything you want done by an amateur, it’s the application of hot wax to remove hair from your vagina, right ladies?
Chevy Chase will return to prime-time television, with a supporting role in a fall pilot for NBC. In future news, that show has been cancelled. Actually as of… NOW, I’ve had this show longer than Chevy Chase had his late night talk show. So congratulations, everyone!
New research says that some children may be freed of their peanut allergies if they eat a tiny crumb of peanut every day for weeks. And.. the rest of them will die. So… Yay?
A judge has withdrawn a warrant that had been out for Lindsay Lohan, after realizing that in fact, no, Lindsay Lohan can’t even get arrested in this town anymore.
President Barack Obama will appear on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno this week. And it’s gonna be a solid evening for late night on NBC that day, because I have Carrot Top and Roseanne. Yeah, you’re not going to want to miss that. But seriously, Tonight Show producers are reportedly trying really hard to book Pinnochio as well. That way, they can have the biggest nose, chin, and ears in world history, all in one place.

Jokes for Show #10

Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 13, 2009

Jimmy’s had a solid week of monologues. Here are my suggestions for tonight’s:

This past week was the best week of 2009 for Wall Street. Yeah, they only lost eighty bajillion dollars. So congratulations, everyone!
One day after admitting guilt in a massive Ponzie scheme, Bernie Madoff has filed an appeal asking to get out of jail. He realizes that, even though he was essentially playing with Monopoly money, he can’t use a “Get of Jail Free” card, right? If they do let him out, will they have to let him collect $200?
Ten children at a day care center drank wiper fluid after a staffer served it from a container he thought contained Kool Aid. The kids were all fine, but then the bus driver crashed because his windshield was covered in Triple Awesome Grape.
Michael Jackson’s 50 farewell concerts in London have sold out. Which reminds me a lot of Macaulay Culkin’s 11th birthday party. Because at both events, Michael Jackson used his mouth to make a lot of people happy.