Posted by Lex Friedman on Sep 1, 2009
Before the jokes, a big, important announcement: I am now the official host and editor at
JimmyFallon.com. I built the new site and will be providing all its content going forward — including jokes from here at Hire Me, Jimmy Fallon! So, head over to the unofficial fansite
JimmyFallon.com, if you wouldn’t mind. Oh, and here are today’s jokes — the real reason you came here today:
- Publishers are working on a new translation of the Bible that will use more modern language. The most prominent change is the new passage “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, LOL.”
- American Airlines announced that it’s firing 921 flight attendants. Seriously? 921? My guess is that they planned fire 920, and when the VP was flying back to corporate with the paperwork, no one gave him his honey roasted peanuts. Bam! 921!
- Lindsay Lohan is reportedly considering posing for Playboy. Teenage boys all across America are reportedly considering masturbating.
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Tags: American Airlines, Bible, layoffs, Lindsay Lohan, LOL, peanuts, Playboy
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 3, 2009
- Billionaire and News Corp CEO Rupert Murdoch says that more newspapers should be charging for their online editions. Reached for comment, everyone else on the Internet disagreed with him.
- The US Postal Service is cutting another 1500 jobs. The extra bad news for the employees getting laid off is that supposedly, their severance checks are all, uh, “in the mail.” That’s unfortunate.
- Domino’s accidentally gave away 11,000 free pizzas on their website. Even more unfortunately for Domino’s, they had to deliver them all to Nigeria. Do you know how hard that is to do in 30 minutes?!
- Iowa today became the first state in the Midwest to approve same-sex marriages. In a survey of gay couples in Iowa, BOTH of them are really excited about the new law.
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Tags: Domino's, economy, gay marriage, Internet, Iowa, layoffs, newspapers, Nigeria, pizza, Rupert Murdoch, US Postal Service
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 25, 2009
My latest batch of monologue jokes. Jimmy — call me!
- Breaking news: The economy still sucks. The Metropolitan Transportation Agency has decided to raise subway fares, and cut some service here in New York. Yeah, as part of the cutbacks, they’re going to stop piping in that delicious “old urine” smell, which is a real shame.
- HBO is prepping a movie about Bill and Hillary Clinton. Julianne Moore’s playing Hillary, and for Bill Clinton, they wanted to find the perfect man for the role, so they cast Ron Jeremy. The resemblance is striking.
- A British teenager painted a giant penis on the roof of his parents’ house, hoping it would be seen using Google Earth. But the teenager was, in fact, an even bigger dick.
- President Obama is taking questions from Internet surfers on WhiteHouse.gov. So far, the top questions are: “A/S/L?” and “Will you follow me on Twitter?”
- The Post Office today warned congress that they’re billions of dollars in debt, and could go completely bankrupt this year, or need to layoff thousands of postal workers. Yeah, because that’s just what we need: Thousands of disgruntled postal employees. What could possibly go wrong?
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Tags: Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, economy, Hillary Clinton, Internet, layoffs, New York, Postal Service, Ron Jeremy, subway, Twitter