Jokes for Show #102

• Publishers are working on a new translation of the Bible that will use more modern language. The most prominent change is the new passage “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,  LOL.”
• American Airlines announced that it’s firing 921 flight attendants. Seriously? 921? My guess is that they planned fire 920, and when the VP was flying back to corporate with the paperwork, no one gave him his honey roasted peanuts. Bam! 921!
• Lindsay Lohan is reportedly considering posing for Playboy. Teenage boys all across America are reportedly considering masturbating.

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Tags: American Airlines, Bible, layoffs, Lindsay Lohan, LOL, peanuts, Playboy

Jokes for Show #54

• A $232 million dollar PowerBall winning lottery ticket was purchased by someone in the town of Winner, South Dakota. In an ironic twist, no one has EVER won the lottery in the town of Loser Douchebag, Wisconsin.
• Lindsay Lohan’s dad was arrested, again, this time for threatening his fiancee. You know, it’s amazing Lindsay turned out so great.

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Tags: Lindsay Lohan, lottery

Jokes for Show #31

It’s another Monday, and time to write a few more jokes for Jimmy. I should also note that HireMeJimmyFallon.com scored a shout-out from BuzzFeed. Jimmy, if BuzzFeed loves me, shouldn’t you?

• Over the weekend, Madonna fell off a horse. Meanwhile, Lindsay Lohan fell off the wagon. No, I’m only kidding. Lindsay Lohan didn’t fall off the wagon — she was never on it!
• Veterinarians were reportedly alarmed when they examined the horse that Madonna fell from. Yeah, it was the first time in history that a horse’s ass fell off a horse. That’s serious.
• The woman arrested for trespassing outside Britney Spears’ Los Angeles home now says that she was just working on a new documentary film, and isn’t a stalker at all. The documentary is apparently called, “Yes I’m A Crazy Stalker.”
• British press reported that the father of the nine-year-old girl who starred in Slumdog Millionaire tried to sell her to an undercover reporter for $300,000. Yeah, now starring in Scumbag Millionaire.

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Tags: Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Los Angeles, Madonna, Slumdog Millionaire, veterinarians

Jokes for Show #11

• New Jersey may ban professional Brazilian waxes. Because if there’s anything you want done by an amateur, it’s the application of hot wax to remove hair from your vagina, right ladies?
• Chevy Chase will return to prime-time television, with a supporting role in a fall pilot for NBC. In future news, that show has been cancelled. Actually as of… NOW, I’ve had this show longer than Chevy Chase had his late night talk show. So congratulations, everyone!
• New research says that some children may be freed of their peanut allergies if they eat a tiny crumb of peanut every day for weeks. And.. the rest of them will die. So… Yay?
• A judge has withdrawn a warrant that had been out for Lindsay Lohan, after realizing that in fact, no, Lindsay Lohan can’t even get arrested in this town anymore.
• President Barack Obama will appear on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno this week. And it’s gonna be a solid evening for late night on NBC that day, because I have Carrot Top and Roseanne. Yeah, you’re not going to want to miss that. But seriously, Tonight Show producers are reportedly trying really hard to book Pinnochio as well. That way, they can have the biggest nose, chin, and ears in world history, all in one place.

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Tags: Barack Obama, Chevy Chase, Jay Leno, jokes, kids, Lindsay Lohan, New Jersey, peanuts, Pinnochio

Jokes for Jimmy’s second show

The first night’s monologue was strong. I’m hoping that tonight Jimmy keeps up the pace (he rattled off jokes a bit quicker than Conan, Jay, or Dave do), and keeps things topical. Some ideas:

• Musical artist Prince will be releasing his next album exclusively in Target stores. This is what it sounds like when Wal-Mart cries.
• Lindsay Lohan is reportedly converting to Judaism. She’s given men and women a spin — apparently now it’s time for a dreidel.
• Both Britney Spears and Michael Jackson are planning comeback concert tours this year. And as a new host of a late-night talk show, let me just say: “Thank you, God.”
• A new study shows that animals can benefit from acupuncture. A spokesman for sheep warned that we should pay attention to the details of study saying: “You’re only supposed to put in a very specific kind of little prick.”
• Did any of you see The Bachelor last night? On the live episode that followed the finale, the bachelor dumped his fiancee and said he wanted to be with the runner-up instead. I haven’t seen a TV relationship end that fast since Fox cancelled Chevy Chase.

Can’t wait to see what Jimmy and his team come up with!

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Tags: acupuncture, Britney Spears, Chevy Chase, Jimmy Fallon, jokes, Judaism, Lindsay Lohan, Michael Jackson, Prince, Target, The Bachelor, Wal-Mart