Jokes for Show #15

Three weeks of shows! Amazing. Jimmy continues to settle into his new role nicely, and I think the show continues to improve. I love the wide-ranging variety of comedy bits they’ve been incorporating.

Here are some joke suggestions for tonight’s show. If Jimmy and his team think I’d be a good person to add to the show’s writing staff, they know where to find me!

• Two US Navy vessels collided this morning in the Strait of Hormuz. And I learned a new pickup line: Hey baby, let’s collide like a pair of US Navy vessels. President Obama said in a statement, “I haven’t seen a crash this bad since the economy.”
• Fred Durst today said that he really enjoyed his Britney Spears relationship. But, if you’re like me, you have no recollection of just who the heck Fred Durst is.
• Oprah Winfrey has invited Ellen Degeneres to share the cover of O magazine. The only other time Oprah shared the cover was with First Lady Michelle Obama. Yeah, apparently Ellen’s only remaining dream is to get under the covers with Oprah.
• The US Postal Service is cutting 1400 jobs, which should save them millions of dollars, or with the latest price hike, 12 stamps.
• On the Tonight Show last night, President Obama made a joke comparing his bowling to the Special Olympics — a remark he later apologized for, saying, “I should have said, ‘I bowl as well as you white people play basketball.’”
• March Madness is now completely underway. But with the economy as bad as it is, this year it’s known as March Unhappiness.

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Tags: Barack Obama, basketball, bowling, Britney Spears, economy, Ellen Degeneres, Fred Durst, Jay Leno, jokes, March Madness, Michelle Obama, Navy, O Magazine, Oprah Winfrey, Postal Service, Special Olympics, Tonight Show

Jokes for Show #13

• A new study concludes that men who prostate exams don’t actually prevent any deaths. But they’re still a great conversation starter. Like, hey, mind if I check out your prostate?
• Chris Brown and Rihanna have reportedly broken up. Rihanna’s taking it pretty hard — she’s telling friends, it really feels like a punch in the face. I’m sorry, that’s terrible. But she really is feeling blue. Black and blue, I mean.
• President Obama released his brackets for March Madness. And you know the economy’s bad, because the President is picking San Antonio to win by negative 300 trillion points. That can’t be good.
• The unwed birth rate in the United States reached an all-time high last year, according to a new study. In a related story: Pretty much everybody but you is having sex. (Lots of it. And they’re making lots of babies!)

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Tags: Barack Obama, births, Chris Brown, jokes, March Madness, prostate cancer, prostates, Rihanna, sex