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Jokes for Show #57

Posted by Lex Friedman on Jun 2, 2009

Ukraine today reported its first case of Swine Flu. They also just heard the news about Lorena Bobbit.
Newsweek is reporting that Americans are getting fatter during the recession. Well, duh. Can you say, Dollar Menu?
GM is reportedly close to selling its Hummer brand to a Chinese company. The Chinese company says that once they take over, if you crash your Hummer, a fortune will pop out. (Yeah, and the fortune’s gonna say: “You will need to buy a lot more gas very soon.”)

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Jokes for Show #21

Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 31, 2009

The show is old enough to drink now! If you count days as years. And consider the show a human being subject to the laws of the United States.

Which I think we can all agree, we should do.

Anyway, I’m in LA this week, so the jokes will be posted a little later each day, and with a little less time for me to spend on them.

With that ringing endorsement, some joke ideas for tonight’s show:

More than 100,000 former Christians in Britain have embraced their atheism by undergoing “de-Baptisms.” Let me just tell you, those ex-Christians have it a lot easier than the Jews.
(Do I have to explain that one? I don’t want to force (skin) the issue.)
The White House forced the CEO of GM to step down as part of its latest bailout. The ousted CEO will reportedly receive a $20 million severance package. THAT’LL teach him!
A woman fired shots into the window of a Salt Lake City McDonald’s drive through after being told that they weren’t serving lunch yet. Apparently, the woman was just trying to order two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed GUN.

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Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 17, 2009

It’s Saint Patrick’s Day! Or, as my alcoholic uncle Larry calls it, Tuesday.
But man, this rough economy’s affecting everything, you know? McDonald’s changed the formula of the McFlurry. This year, it’s made from milk and Scope mouthwash. You have to cut corners somewhere.
The family of a woman mauled by a chimpanzee filed a lawsuit seeking $50 million. The chimpanzee, meanwhile, is seeking bananas.
Apple today announced an upcoming update to the iPhone operating system, which include the long-awaited copy-and-paste feature. You know, I even write my monologues on my iPhone. Apple today announced an upcoming update to the iPhone operating system, which include the long-awaited copy-and-paste feature. You know, I even write my monologues on my iPhone.
Experts say that we’re more likely to swear a lot during a recession, and that swearing can relieve stress. To which I say: No Shi–BEEP.