Hire Me, Jimmy Fallon! » Michael Jackson

Jokes for Show #104

Lex Friedman — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 02:50:31 +0000

Michael Jackson has finally been buried. Is it just me, or did his funeral last almost as long as the video for Thriller?
Doctors are studying a teenage boy who bleeds tears. I’m no doctor, but it sounds like he’s suffering from a bad case of the crybabies.
A star high school quarterback tackled a girl when she brandished a gun on a bus. The girl was immediately signed by the Philadelphia Eagles.

Jokes for Shows #96 to 100

Lex Friedman — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 16:13:09 +0000

I failed to write ANY jokes for Jimmy last week — eek! As frequent readers know, I’ve been moving. But now we’re mostly settled into the new house, and my normal joke-posting schedule should finally resume.

Congrats to Jimmy and his team for reaching the 100-show milestone.

Here’s a batch of jokes to make up for last week’s absence:

Madonna turned 51 last week. And as they say, 51 is the new creepy.
Sprinter Usain Bolt shattered his own record last week, running 100 meters in 9.58 seconds. No one could explain how he ran so fast, until they all noticed the taco truck at the finish line. No man can resist the lure of the taco truck.
The Philadelphia Eagles signed quarterback Michael Vick last week. Vick told reporters that he was just excited to be wearing a uniform without stripes on it.
There are reports that Michael Jackson will be buried on his birthday. Which is pretty much the worst present ever.
Former Congressman Tom DeLay will join the cast of Dancing With the Stars. If you thought he could dance his way around an ethics investigation, just wait until you see this.
Jessica Simpson will NOT be taking over for Paula Abdul on American Idol. It’s the first time ever that Jessica has been too coherent for a job.

Jokes for Show #89

Lex Friedman — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 00:21:12 +0000

Debbie Rowe, mother of two of Michael Jackson’s kids, has agreed not to seek custody of them. The kids themselves are reportedly bummed, though, because they thought living with a bizarre white woman would remind them of Dad.
Filling in for Regis Philbin today, Anderson Cooper asked the star of the reality show “The Bachelorette” how many of the eligible bachelors on the show she had sex with. Then it only got more awkward when Anderson asked her for their phone numbers.

Jokes for Show #79

Lex Friedman — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 21:19:40 +0000

Mischa Barton has reportedly been placed under involuntary psychiatric hold. By an evil hypnotist. (beat) Oh, what’s that? That would be an involuntary psychic hold, my mistake.
Donald Trump’s daughter Ivanka announced on Twitter that she’s gotten engaged. In future news, Ivanka Trump has posted on Twitter that she’s getting divorced. Technology is amazing.
Paul McCartney says that reports of feuding between him and the late Michael Jackson were always very exaggerated, and that the two never really had a blow-up. That’s not surprising, since McCartney died in 1966.
In a surprise development, the American Medical Association has endorsed the House bill for President Obama’s national health care policy. Sadly, though, they immediately declared that nationalized health care causes cancer in lab rats.

Jimmy’s still off…

Lex Friedman — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 21:40:59 +0000

Jimmy’s still off this week, so no jokes about Sarah Palin resigning (I’m resigning too — resigning myself to hearing more than I ever need to about Sarah Palin), MJ’s funeral (anyone else afraid Janet would have another wardrobe malfunction?), and the like.

See you next week!

Jokes for Vacation Day

Lex Friedman — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 03:11:03 +0000

Steve Jobs is reportedly back at work at Apple after receiving a liver transplant. He’s supposedly tasked Apple engineers with creating a new iPod dock that’s actually a doc.
The BET awards over the weekend had a lot of tributes to Michael Jackson. The most compelling tribute, of course, was that this year, for the first time ever, nobody shot anybody at the BET awards.

Jokes for Show #75

Lex Friedman — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 01:04:59 +0000

There are still lots of conflicting reports about Michael Jackson’s death, and obviously all of us are still pretty sad about the whole thing. But we’re hearing reports that when it was Michael’s time to go, that Ed McMahon came to his door and told him he’d won.
In lighter news, a baby born after just 26 weeks in England is now home with his parents. But that’s not the amazing part. The amazing part is, his parents were only 36 weeks old.

Jokes for Show #49

Lex Friedman — Thu, 21 May 2009 23:22:00 +0000

If Jimmy did shows every week, seven days each week, this would be his seventh consecutive week of doing just that. This meaningless statistic brought to you by HireMeJimmyFallon.com. Now, on with the jokes!

Dick Cheney and President Barack Obama gave dueling speeches on foreign policy today. It worked out well, because there was not a single person in America who wanted tickets to both shows. That’s like Miley Cyrus having a concert at the same time as Metallica. Or Michael Jackson being busy during a convention for post-pubescent boys. No one’s missing anything.
Filmmaker Michael Moore is making a documentary about the economic crisis. He’s very upset that foods on the $1 menu now cost $2. Yeah, his whole diet is messed up.
Did you watch the American Idol season finale last night? Yeah, that was a big shocker at the end, right? Paula Abdul spoke in a coherent sentence. Let’s try again. Big shocker at the end, right? Randy Jackson spoke twice withOUT saying the word “dawg.”

Jokes for Show #48

Lex Friedman — Wed, 20 May 2009 21:20:38 +0000

Michael Jackson is delaying some of his shows planned for later this year until 2010. He’s hoping to give some of his best fans — and future close friends — time to be born.
A Texas 13-year-old has won the National Geography Bee. That boy will never be lost. Much like his virginity.
Wayne Allwine, the man who provided the voice of Mickey Mouse for more than 30 years, has passed away. But the good news is, they finally did it. They finally built a better mousetrap.

Jokes for Show #10

Lex Friedman — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 21:17:34 +0000

Jimmy’s had a solid week of monologues. Here are my suggestions for tonight’s:

This past week was the best week of 2009 for Wall Street. Yeah, they only lost eighty bajillion dollars. So congratulations, everyone!
One day after admitting guilt in a massive Ponzie scheme, Bernie Madoff has filed an appeal asking to get out of jail. He realizes that, even though he was essentially playing with Monopoly money, he can’t use a “Get of Jail Free” card, right? If they do let him out, will they have to let him collect $200?
Ten children at a day care center drank wiper fluid after a staffer served it from a container he thought contained Kool Aid. The kids were all fine, but then the bus driver crashed because his windshield was covered in Triple Awesome Grape.
Michael Jackson’s 50 farewell concerts in London have sold out. Which reminds me a lot of Macaulay Culkin’s 11th birthday party. Because at both events, Michael Jackson used his mouth to make a lot of people happy.