Congrats to Jimmy and his team for reaching the 100-show milestone.

Here’s a batch of jokes to make up for last week’s absence:

• Madonna turned 51 last week. And as they say, 51 is the new creepy.
• Sprinter Usain Bolt shattered his own record last week, running 100 meters in 9.58 seconds. No one could explain how he ran so fast, until they all noticed the taco truck at the finish line. No man can resist the lure of the taco truck.
• The Philadelphia Eagles signed quarterback Michael Vick last week. Vick told reporters that he was just excited to be wearing a uniform without stripes on it.
• There are reports that Michael Jackson will be buried on his birthday. Which is pretty much the worst present ever.
• Former Congressman Tom DeLay will join the cast of Dancing With the Stars. If you thought he could dance his way around an ethics investigation, just wait until you see this.
• Jessica Simpson will NOT be taking over for Paula Abdul on American Idol. It’s the first time ever that Jessica has been too coherent for a job.

Now Jimmy, let’s not forget that as you near the 100 show mark, I’ve penned you several hundred monologue jokes. At any point, you may feel free to a) call, and then b) hire me. Email works too, of course.

• The NFL has given Michael Vick permission to play football professionally again. Which is great news, since so many in the media thought that his career had gone to the dogs. Literally.
• Jon Gosselin, of Jon and Kate Plus 8, continues to deny reports linking him with various women. Those same women, meanwhile, continue to deny reports that they have good taste in men.
• Lance Armstrong finished third in the Tour de France over the weekend, in a race that he hopes will finally show doubters that he isn’t a doper. Because remember kids, cheaters finish FIRST.
• One of the Jonas Brothers has broken up with his actress-girlfriend. But if you have any idea who I’m talking about, you’re up way past your bedtime right now.

• A report released today says that birds crash into planes leaving LaGuardia airport about once a week. A spokesman for birds said, “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” as a plane crashed into him. That’s unfortunate. I hope they have another spokesman. Or spokesbird.
• My friend Jay Leno had to cancel his shows yesterday and today after being briefly hospitalized. One report now says that Jay got hurt attempting to ride his motorcycle. Yeah, he tried to tighten the chin strap. Ouch.
• No, I’m kidding, Jay’s doing fine, and all of us here at Late Night can’t wait till he’s back on the air. And I know David Letterman sent a gift basket, filled with undercooked meats and cyanide. He’s so thoughtful.
• The NFL draft starts this weekend. It’s the one time of year that pudgy white guys get more excited about college MEN in uniforms.