Hire Me, Jimmy Fallon! » obesity

Jokes for Shows #81, 82, and 83

Lex Friedman — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 23:51:16 +0000

I’ve been in California for work, which has made joke-writing time more scarce. Here are more jokes than usual, to make up for my absence:

The “Yo Quiero Taco Bell” dog has died. But his memory will live on in Taco Bell. Specifically, in the tacos they serve.
Jon Gosselin, of Jon and Kate Plus 8, has been photographed cavorting with various women since his very public separation from his wife, Kate. That’s right: A man who’s gonna have to pay child support for nearly a baseball team’s worth of kids is still more attractive to women than you.
Amazon.com today bought Internet retailer Zappos.com for 800 million dollars. That’s enough to buy nearly seven Kindles.
A mother has been arrested for neglect for allowing her teenage son to balloon to 555 pounds. In fact, we have a photo of the mother here:
Actor Stephen Baldwin has filed for bankruptcy. Meanwhile, his brother Alec has filed for excessive handsomeness.

Jokes for Show #40

Lex Friedman — Fri, 08 May 2009 19:51:49 +0000

Lordy, Lordy, Jimmy’s reached 40… shows. And yet, he still hasn’t hired me. His success is great, though I guess he could make a compelling argument that given how well he’s doing, he might not need me. But he could still WANT me. Right? Right?!!

One of the nations top virologists expressed fears today about the possibility of bird flu mixing with swine flu in extremely deadly ways. Miss Piggy is reportedly very nervous after her secret affair with Big Bird. Who, by the way, I hear really lives up to his name. (I think I just made a sex joke about a Sesame Street icon. I feel dirty.)
A study released today concluded that America’s obesity problem stems from the fact that we eat too much. And our education problem stems from the fact that we spend too much money on studying EXTREMELY OBVIOUS THINGS.
The Statue of Liberty’s crown will re-open on July 4th, for the first time in eight years. Yeah… Lady Liberty had a really bad lice infestation.

Jokes for Show #27

Lex Friedman — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 18:56:46 +0000

President Obama today warned that Americans shouldn’t get too confident that the economy is improving. The nation looked up from their dinner of Ramen Noodles and tap water and replied, “no problem.”
KFC is rolling out a series of new menu items called Kentucky Grilled Chicken, using a brand new secret recipe and avoiding the deep fryer altogether. Millions of Americans who struggle with their weight are excited about this. You know who’s not, though? Chickens.
Mel Gibson’s divorce could end up costing him more than $450 million. Which is confusing, because Mel always tells me that the Jews have all the money.