Jokes for Vacation Show #5

Today marks 30 shows’ worth of jokes I’ve written for Jimmy Fallon as part of this open application to get a job writing for his Late Night show. So far, I’ve no idea whether Jimmy’s seen it, liked it, or attempted to hire me and not left a voicemail. If you or someone you know is Jimmy Fallon — call me.

Jimmy’s last day of his current vacation is tonight, so here are some jokes he won’t use since he’s still in reruns today:

• Today is Good Friday. Unless you’re Jewish, in which case today is Constipated From Matzah Friday.
• Lance Armstrong says French authorities may not let him race in the Tour de France this year, because he violated drug test rules by taking a shower before providing samples. Man, not getting to race seems harsh, though, right? It’s like getting kicked in the ball.

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Tags: France, Good Friday, Judaism, matzah, Passover, Tour de France

Jokes for Vacation Day #3

I’m almost adjusted to Mountain Time. Let’s rock this:

• The Obama administration is reportedly investigating “geoengineering,” the idea of fighting global warming by blowing cold air into the atmosphere. If they go ahead with the plan, it will mark the first time in more than 50 years that the White House has blown anything but hot air.
• Miley Cyrus wrote on her personal blog that she’s “a lot smarter than you think.” So apparently, she’s only very, very, very stupid. Nah, I’m just kidding — I LOVE Miley Cyrus. I mean, I will, in two years, when she’s legal.
• Visits to Las Vegas were down 8% in February. Damn! I had my money on 12%.
• The Jewish holiday of Passover starts tonight. It’s when the Jews eat unleavened bread, called matzah, and sit together for a long time because they’re what’s called “constipated.”

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Tags: Barack Obama, constipation, economy, gambling, global warming, Judaism, Las Vegas, matzah, Miley Cyrus, Passover, White House