Posted by Lex Friedman on Sep 11, 2009
Don’t forget to check out JimmyFallon.com for all sorts of extra Jimmy goodness and jokes!
Ellen Degeneres will be joining the cast of American Idol, taking over for Paula Abdul. To prepare for her new role, Ellen is reportedly studying music, and forgetting how to speak coherent English.
President Obama says he accepts the apology from Joe Wilson for having yelled out “You lie!” during the Congressional address earlier this week. But reportedly, he had his fingers crossed when he accepted it.
Ten Andy Warhol paintings were stolen from a California home earlier this week. Police have released this sketch:
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Tags: American Idol, Andy Warhol, Barack Obama, Campbell's Soup, congress, Ellen Degeneres, English, Paula Abdul
Posted by Lex Friedman on Aug 17, 2009
I failed to write ANY jokes for Jimmy last week — eek! As frequent readers know, I’ve been moving. But now we’re mostly settled into the new house, and my normal joke-posting schedule should finally resume.
Congrats to Jimmy and his team for reaching the 100-show milestone.
Here’s a batch of jokes to make up for last week’s absence:
- Madonna turned 51 last week. And as they say, 51 is the new creepy.
- Sprinter Usain Bolt shattered his own record last week, running 100 meters in 9.58 seconds. No one could explain how he ran so fast, until they all noticed the taco truck at the finish line. No man can resist the lure of the taco truck.
- The Philadelphia Eagles signed quarterback Michael Vick last week. Vick told reporters that he was just excited to be wearing a uniform without stripes on it.
- There are reports that Michael Jackson will be buried on his birthday. Which is pretty much the worst present ever.
- Former Congressman Tom DeLay will join the cast of Dancing With the Stars. If you thought he could dance his way around an ethics investigation, just wait until you see this.
- Jessica Simpson will NOT be taking over for Paula Abdul on American Idol. It’s the first time ever that Jessica has been too coherent for a job.
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Tags: American Idol, Dancing With the Stars, Jessica Simpson, Madonna, Michael Jackson, Michael Vick, NFL, Paula Abdul, Philadelphia Eagles, Tom DeLay, Usain Bolt
Posted by Lex Friedman on May 21, 2009
If Jimmy did shows every week, seven days each week, this would be his seventh consecutive week of doing just that. This meaningless statistic brought to you by HireMeJimmyFallon.com. Now, on with the jokes!
- Dick Cheney and President Barack Obama gave dueling speeches on foreign policy today. It worked out well, because there was not a single person in America who wanted tickets to both shows. That’s like Miley Cyrus having a concert at the same time as Metallica. Or Michael Jackson being busy during a convention for post-pubescent boys. No one’s missing anything.
- Filmmaker Michael Moore is making a documentary about the economic crisis. He’s very upset that foods on the $1 menu now cost $2. Yeah, his whole diet is messed up.
- Did you watch the American Idol season finale last night? Yeah, that was a big shocker at the end, right? Paula Abdul spoke in a coherent sentence. Let’s try again. Big shocker at the end, right? Randy Jackson spoke twice withOUT saying the word “dawg.”
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Tags: American Idol, Barack Obama, Dick Cheney, fast food, Metallica, Michael Jackson, Michael Moore, Miley Cyrus, Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson
Posted by Lex Friedman on May 6, 2009
- Amazon today introduced a new, larger version of their Kindle e-book reader. Amazon is really like the opposite of Apple, right? iPods keep getting smaller and smaller, and Amazon’s new feature is to make the Kindle… bigger. Apparently, though, Apple got inspired, and released this picture of the new iPod Man-o:
- Paula Abdul today admitted for the first time that until very recently, she suffered from an addiction to painkillers. In a related story, today, water admitted that it is wet.
- Kiefer Sutherland had a run-in with police last night, after he reportedly head-butted a fashion designer, breaking his nose. The preceding took place between Beer #7 and Beer #8.
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Tags: 24, Amazon, Apple, iPod, Kiefer Sutherland, Kindle, painkillers, Paula Abdul, water
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 22, 2009
33 shows. 38 days’ worth of jokes written for Jimmy. If only he’d hire me! And, y’know, use some of the jokes!
- Shots were fired yesterday at reality star “Dog the Bounty Hunter.” He told police at the scene, “The guy just started shooting me like a d–…. Oh. Never mind.”
- Today is Earth Day. Lots of celebrities are trying to do their part to help save the planet today. Yeah, Britney Spears tried cutting back on electricity — she turned off the CD she usually lip-synchs too. So that was nice. Unless you were in the audience.
- Rosie O’Donnell got in on saving the environment today, too. Yep, she agreed to only microwave TWO Hungry Man dinners today, for her breakfast. Every little bit helps.
- In an interview, Paula Abdul this week said that she has never, ever been drunk, and that she doesn’t use drugs. Then her nose grew by 3 feet. Probably a weird coincidence.
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Tags: Britney Spears, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Earth Day, Paula Abdul, Rosie O'Donnell