Jokes for Show #89

Posted by Lex Friedman on Jul 30, 2009

Debbie Rowe, mother of two of Michael Jackson’s kids, has agreed not to seek custody of them. The kids themselves are reportedly bummed, though, because they thought living with a bizarre white woman would remind them of Dad.
Filling in for Regis Philbin today, Anderson Cooper asked the star of the reality show “The Bachelorette” how many of the eligible bachelors on the show she had sex with. Then it only got more awkward when Anderson asked her for their phone numbers.

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Jokes for Show #55

Posted by Lex Friedman on May 29, 2009

Today’s show number marks Jimmy’s first palindromic episode since a whopping eleven episodes ago. Amazing, no?!

Jon and Kate, of Jon and Kate Plus 8, are being investigated in Pennsylvania for possible violations of the state’s child labor laws, relating to their use of their kids on camera. I’m not surprised, you know? I mean, calling your kids “sextuplets” just seems inappropriate at that age. They’re too young to talk about sex.
Just before our show started, of course, Jay Leno hosted his last episode of The Tonight Show. Jay told his audience that he’s happy to be going out on top. Yeah, he’s so on top, he’s actually higher than Kevin Eubanks.
No, I’m kidding. It’s not possible to be higher than Kevin Eubanks.
In all seriousness, congratulations to Jay, and to Conan O’Brien, who’ll be taking over The Tonight Show starting this Monday. Conan surely knows, it’s gonna be tough to step into Jay’s shoes. And even tougher to settle into his chin strap.

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Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 18, 2009

A new study concludes that men who prostate exams don’t actually prevent any deaths. But they’re still a great conversation starter. Like, hey, mind if I check out your prostate?
Chris Brown and Rihanna have reportedly broken up. Rihanna’s taking it pretty hard — she’s telling friends, it really feels like a punch in the face. I’m sorry, that’s terrible. But she really is feeling blue. Black and blue, I mean.
President Obama released his brackets for March Madness. And you know the economy’s bad, because the President is picking San Antonio to win by negative 300 trillion points. That can’t be good.
The unwed birth rate in the United States reached an all-time high last year, according to a new study. In a related story: Pretty much everybody but you is having sex. (Lots of it. And they’re making lots of babies!)

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Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 11, 2009

The producers of “Sesame Street” are cutting 20 percent of its work force because of the recession. The severance package for fired employees includes two weeks’ pay, and a free toy: Bend Over And Take It Elmo.
Forbes reported today that the world’s billionaires are feeling the impact of the recession just like the rest of us. Apparently, they’re now buying generic yachts.
Two teachers in Pennsylvania have been accused of having sex with the same thirteen-year-old boy. BY the boy.
Apple today released a new iPod shuffle, and the button-less device actually talks to you. Which is good, because if you buy such a pretentious iPod, no one else will.