Jokes for Show #76

Jimmy’s back, and I’m (temporarily) homeless! Time for some new joke ideas! Now, Mr. Fallon, please remember: The point of all this is for you to recognize that I am a) unspeakably hilarious and b) entirely charming, so that you can c) hire me before I d) lose my mind. Call me!

• Sonia Sotomayor faced the Senate today on the first day of confirmation hearings for her Supreme Court appointment. And so far she’s doing well — she hasn’t had to use any of her lifelines yet. Good to keep “Phone a Friend” in the bag as long as possible.
• As you know, last week, Sarah Palin announced her resignation as governor of Alaska. This was especially troubling for us here at Late Night, since in light of Sarah Palin stepping down, half of our comedy writers have quit too. It’s too much golden material, gone.
• A new study has found that swearing when you get hurt can actually make you feel less pain. Which means, technically, that a “pain in the ass” is actually no pain at all.

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Tags: Sarah Palin, Sonia Sotomayor, swearing

Jokes for Show #12

• It’s Saint Patrick’s Day! Or, as my alcoholic uncle Larry calls it, Tuesday.
• But man, this rough economy’s affecting everything, you know? McDonald’s changed the formula of the McFlurry. This year, it’s made from milk and Scope mouthwash. You have to cut corners somewhere.
• The family of a woman mauled by a chimpanzee filed a lawsuit seeking $50 million. The chimpanzee, meanwhile, is seeking bananas.
• Apple today announced an upcoming update to the iPhone operating system, which include the long-awaited copy-and-paste feature. You know, I even write my monologues on my iPhone. Apple today announced an upcoming update to the iPhone operating system, which include the long-awaited copy-and-paste feature. You know, I even write my monologues on my iPhone.
• Experts say that we’re more likely to swear a lot during a recession, and that swearing can relieve stress. To which I say: No Shi–BEEP.

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Tags: alcohol, Apple, bananas, chimpanzee, iPhone, McDonald's, McFlurry, Saint Patrick's Day, swearing