Posted by Lex Friedman on Jun 11, 2009
- Sonny and Cher’s daughter Chastity has announced that she’s been undergoing treatment to become a man. Her mother Cher announced that now she plans to complete her transformation into a human.
- The World Health Organization has declared a true Swine Flue Pandemic. Yeah, they’re recommending that you block your windows and doors with bacon.
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Tags: Chastity Bono, Cher, swine flu, WHO
Posted by Lex Friedman on Jun 2, 2009
- Ukraine today reported its first case of Swine Flu. They also just heard the news about Lorena Bobbit.
- Newsweek is reporting that Americans are getting fatter during the recession. Well, duh. Can you say, Dollar Menu?
- GM is reportedly close to selling its Hummer brand to a Chinese company. The Chinese company says that once they take over, if you crash your Hummer, a fortune will pop out. (Yeah, and the fortune’s gonna say: “You will need to buy a lot more gas very soon.”)
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Tags: Chinese, fortune cookies, GM, Hummer, Lorena Bobbit, McDonald's, Newsweek, recession, swine flu, Ukraine
Posted by Lex Friedman on May 12, 2009
- Miss California will get to keep her title, even though various topless photos of her are all over the Internet. In an interesting coincidence, Pamela Anderson has been named Miss Universe.
- Kate Gosselin, of John and Kate Plus 8, is denying rumors that she cheated on her husband — who, of course, is busy denying rumors that he’s cheated on her. They’re reportedly planning a spin-off of the reality show now, called John and Kate Plus AIDS.*
Okay, pause. I know Jimmy would never, ever make that joke. On the air, at least. But it’s funny. Promiscuity + STDs = comedy gold.
- A study has found that pregnant women are more at risk for swine flu than anyone else. You know who’s even more at risk? Pigs.
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Tags: John and Kate Plus 8, Miss California, Miss Universe, Pamela Anderson, swine flu
Posted by Lex Friedman on May 8, 2009
Lordy, Lordy, Jimmy’s reached 40… shows. And yet, he still hasn’t hired me. His success is great, though I guess he could make a compelling argument that given how well he’s doing, he might not need me. But he could still WANT me. Right? Right?!!
- One of the nations top virologists expressed fears today about the possibility of bird flu mixing with swine flu in extremely deadly ways. Miss Piggy is reportedly very nervous after her secret affair with Big Bird. Who, by the way, I hear really lives up to his name. (I think I just made a sex joke about a Sesame Street icon. I feel dirty.)
- A study released today concluded that America’s obesity problem stems from the fact that we eat too much. And our education problem stems from the fact that we spend too much money on studying EXTREMELY OBVIOUS THINGS.
- The Statue of Liberty’s crown will re-open on July 4th, for the first time in eight years. Yeah… Lady Liberty had a really bad lice infestation.
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Tags: Big Bird, bird flu, lice, Miss Piggy, obesity, science, Sesame Street, Statue of Liberty, studies, swine flu
Posted by Lex Friedman on May 4, 2009
Jimmy’s back, and I am too!
Here are some jokes for tonight’s show:
- Barack Obama now passed his first 100 days in office. Or, as former president George W. Bush calls it, “about a year or two.”
- Scientists now say that swine flu isn’t as bad as scary as they initially thought. Relieved, two of the The Three Little pigs have now stepped out of their homes, and were promptly eaten by The Big Bad Wolf. Eesh.
- I guess there are things more dangerous than swine flu. The late two little pigs are survived, as always, by the delicious smell of bacon.
- The Supreme Court issued a ruling saying that a court that previously ruled CBS should not half to pay a half-million dollar fine for Janet Jackson’s Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction, should reconsider that decision. In its ruling, the Supreme Court said: “CBS should have gotten her to take off that weird nipple ring, because it blocked the view.” I’m guessing Clarence Thomas wrote that.
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Tags: Barack Obama, Clarence Thomas, George W. Bush, Janet Jackson, law, pigs, Super Bowl, Supreme Court, swine flu
Posted by Lex Friedman on May 1, 2009
It’s my wife’s birthday today, and Jimmy’s still on vacation, so just one joke for you tonight:
- With the number of panicked Americans who’ve sneezed or coughed and placed terrified calls to their doctors, government officials are now renaming the virus “Wine Flu.”
Zing!
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Tags: doctors, flu, swine flu
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 30, 2009
Jimmy’s still off. But I’m still ON! But I’m taking it easy…
- There are now more than 100 reported cases of swine flu in the United States. Man, a virus jumping from pigs to humans… It just doesn’t seem Kosher.
- Vice President Joe Biden today said that he’d tell his family members to avoid airplanes and subways for the next few weeks. The White House later released a statement, saying that in fact, they’ve now injected Joe Biden with swine flu. Wow. Barack Obama sounds like a tough boss.
- Elizabeth Edwards writes in her new book that her husband John Edwards first told her about his affair, she ran to the bathroom and threw up. But that was because she thought he’d had the affair with Senator John Kerry. That’s an honest mistake.
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Tags: Barack Obama, Elizabeth Edwards, Joe Biden, John Edwards, John Kerry, Kosher, pigs, swine flu
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 29, 2009
Jimmy’s still off, so I’m offering limited jokes today:
- President Obama plans to address the nation tonight, but the Fox network won’t carry his speech. Instead, they’re planning to show a new episode of the show “Lie to Me.” Which I believe will be a re-run of one of former President George W. Bush’s speeches, actually.
- Tonight, ABC’s Lost will show its 100th episode. And for the 100th time, at the end of that episode, everyone in the audience will say, “Huh?”
- And of course, swine flu is still on everyone’s mind. It turns out that this little piggy, the one that cried “wee wee wee” all the way home — was sick with swine flu. That explains the screaming.
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Tags: ABC, Barack Obama, Fox, George W. Bush, Lie to Me, Lost, pigs, swine flu, television
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 28, 2009
The radio appearance didn’t happen. Sorry to those who tuned in and were subjected to more country music than they care to hear. (That is, “any.”) I was rescheduled; I’ll let you know when I hear the new date is.
Jimmy’s off this week, but it’s still my job to write jokes in hopes of getting a job to write jokes. If that makes sense.
- After some major changes at GM, you can no longer buy a Pontiac. Of course, with this recession, you couldn’t buy one last week, either.
- In health news, Kermit the Frog has been hospitalized with flu-like symptoms. Think about it… Think about it… There ya go.
- But man, this swine flu is still pretty scary, huh? The good news, of course, is for doctors. Physicians treating swine flu patients can really expect to bring home the bacon.
- Senator Arlen Specter today announced that he’s switching parties, and will now be a Democrat. He also now wants to be called “Arlene.” Some big changes in that man’s life. I mean, that person’s life.
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Tags: Arlen Specter, bacon, cars, GM, Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy, Pontiac, swine flu
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 27, 2009
Don’t forget that Hire Me, Jimmy Fallon! will be on Detroit’s 106.7 FM Tuesday morning at 10am! You can listen live. Unless we’re all dead from Swine Flu first.
- Anybody here have swine flu yet? Oh, who am I kidding, we all do.
- “Swine flu,” or as Alec Baldwin described it to his daughter… “Flu.”
- But seriously, this swine flu situation is scary. I mean, really, genuinely scary. First of all, I want to know who was making out with a pig. Because I think that’s how it jumps from pigs to humans, right?
- The World Health Organization today raised its “pandemic flu alert level” to 4, for the first time ever. New Yorkers are urged to report any suspicious sneezes they see on the subway.
- Oh, breaking news — this just in: Porky Pig is dead. I know, it’s tragic. He is survived by the delicious smell of bacon.
- Mexico, which has been hardest-hit by this swine flu outbreak, also suffered a serious earthquake today. Experts believe it was caused by one million Mexicans coughing up swine flu lugies in unison.
Update: I hadn’t realized that Jimmy was off this week. So, all week long, I’m writing Jokes and Jimmy’s not even on the air!
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Tags: Alec Baldwin, flu, jokes, Mexico, New York, swine flu, WHO