Posted by Lex Friedman on Aug 4, 2009
- Former President Clinton today met in North Korea with Kim Jong Il, and secured the release of two imprisoned American journalists there. Then he gave them a ride home on a private chartered jet. It was pretty much the greatest pickup line ever.
- The Marines banned servicemen from using Twitter and Facebook. In a related story, we just successfully invaded Europe.
- Britney Spears has gone back to being a blonde. But really, of course, she never stopped.
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Tags: Bill Clinton, Britney Spears, Facebook, Kim Jong Il, Marines, North Korea, Twitter
Posted by Lex Friedman on Jul 16, 2009
- Mischa Barton has reportedly been placed under involuntary psychiatric hold. By an evil hypnotist. (beat) Oh, what’s that? That would be an involuntary psychic hold, my mistake.
- Donald Trump’s daughter Ivanka announced on Twitter that she’s gotten engaged. In future news, Ivanka Trump has posted on Twitter that she’s getting divorced. Technology is amazing.
- Paul McCartney says that reports of feuding between him and the late Michael Jackson were always very exaggerated, and that the two never really had a blow-up. That’s not surprising, since McCartney died in 1966.
- In a surprise development, the American Medical Association has endorsed the House bill for President Obama’s national health care policy. Sadly, though, they immediately declared that nationalized health care causes cancer in lab rats.
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Tags: American Medical Association, Barack Obama, cancer, congress, Donald Trump, Ivanka Trump, laws, Michael Jackson, Mischa Barton, Paul McCartney, psychics, Twitter
Posted by Lex Friedman on May 25, 2009
Thanks, Jimmy!
I realize now that the number one reason Jimmy Fallon & Co. haven’t yet hired me is that they didn’t want to force me to work on Memorial Day. I appreciate that, guys, because we had a great day with family today, and if I was already working for the show, that might not have been possible. But if Jimmy’s working, I’ve gotta pen (keyboard?) a few quick jokes:
- Today is Memorial Day. And of course, we want to take a moment to honor all who’ve served our country in the armed forces. We owe you so much. I, for one, shudder to think how weak the United States would be if we had to rely on unarmed forces. You can’t even hold a gun if you’re armless, I think. Unless you somehow hold it with your teeth.
- The website Twitter is in the planning stages of a reality show focused about the site. The show’s expected to be canceled after exactly 140 seconds.
- Jay Leno will leave the Tonight Show this Friday night. His chin should be gone by the following Tuesday.
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Tags: Jay Leno, Memorial Day, TV, Twitter
Posted by Lex Friedman on May 5, 2009
Slow news day! Or, at least, slow news day for funny joke-worthy stories.
- Scientists are planning to test Abraham Lincoln’s DNA to see if we had any illnesses at the time of his assassination. All they’re waiting for is for President Lincoln to fire up his time machine. And when he does, I’m going to borrow that time machine, and go back in time, and write a better joke.
- The first American face transplant recipient showed her face in public today for the first time. Well, okay, technically… she showed someone else’s face.
- Two pedestrians were injured when a car filming a stunt for a new Nicolas Cage movie spun out of control. It’s reportedly the biggest hit Nicolas Cage has had in years!
- There were rumors on the Internet today that Apple wants to buy Twitter. Apple managed to fit their response into a single post on Twitter: “That’s extremely stupid.”
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Tags: Abraham Lincoln, Apple, car accident, Nicolas Cage, time machine, time travel, Twitter
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 23, 2009
- Researchers have successfully demonstrated technology that lets you post to Twitter using only your brain. It marks the first time a brain has ever been used when posting on the Internet.
- No, actually, the first Twitter post ever written directly from a tester’s brain was, and I quote, “Donuts donuts donuts donuts donuts.” That’s apparently what he was thinking at the time. All the time.
- MySpace has hired a new CEO. I’m totally gonna post about that — on Facebook.
- Susan Boyle, the singer from Britain’s Got Talent who’s been viewed 80 million times on YouTube, was in the news today because she got her eyebrows plucked. Really. Yeah, they say that each time they ripped out another eyebrow hair, her yelps of pain sounded like Christina Aguilera.
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Tags: brains, Christina Aguilera, donuts, Facebook, Internet, MySpace, Twitter
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 17, 2009
Holy moly. 30 actual shows, and 30 days of jokes from me. Actually, this is my 35th day of writing jokes for Jimmy, since I wrote for five vacation days as well.
Jimmy — see the URL. The aim here is for you to, y’know, hire me.
With only the slightest further ado, here are joke suggestions for tonight’s show:
- Ashton Kutcher beat CNN to be the first Twitter account with one million followers. But still… neither of them has as many friends as Tom! Remember Tom? From MySpace? Yeah, me neither.
- A 47-year-old Ohio teacher has resigned after admitting that she took several teenage female students to a male strip club. Which, you gotta admit, took some balls.
- Bill Murray was participating in a celebrity golf tournament, and hooked a shot so badly that he beaned a woman standing in her own front yard, right in the head. It’s the biggest hit Bill Murray’s had in years. (No, I’m kidding, I love Bill Murray!)
- Authorities yesterday arrested a woman dressed in camouflage walking around Britney Spears’ house in LA. Yeah, then they realized it was Britney Spears.
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Tags: Ashton Kutcher, Bill Murray, Britney Spears, camouflage, CNN, male strippers, MySpace, Ohio, students, teachers, Tom, Twitter
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 5, 2009
Yesterday was a record-breaking day for HireMeJimmyFallon.com: My piece on Cracked.com about the curse of the former fake-news anchor sent a ton of traffic here.
Monday, of course, I’ll post joke suggestions for Show #26. But in the meantime, I wanted to make sure you all knew that you can follow @hiremejimmy on Twitter and/or become a fan on Facebook.
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Tags: Cracked, Facebook, minutiae, Twitter
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 2, 2009
It’s my last day in LA, which means that tomorrow I’ll be suggesting jokes for Jimmy from his own time zone. Mr. Fallon: Could I contribute to your monologue? If I could do this as my day job, I’d have more time to polish; are you seeing any potential here? Call me!
- CBS broadcaster Greg Gumbel is suing, saying he was tricked into taping introductions for infomercials. Gumbel is especially angry because he wanted to BUY the Sham-Wow, not appear in the ad.
- Police in North Carolina are investigating whether a funeral home fit a 6’5″ man into his coffin by cutting off his legs. The alleged victim had no comment. (Because he’s dead.) But jeez, burials these days are apparently costing MORE than an arm and a leg.
- A new study says that employees who spend time on Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube are happier, and thus actually more productive during the work day. The study will be published in this month’s Journal of Gigantic Lies.
- Jupiter’s big red spot is shrinking. Scientists think it’s probably related to Atkins.
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Tags: Atkins, CBS, coffin, Facebook, funeral home, Greg Gumbel, Jupiter, Sham-Wow, study, Twitter, YouTube
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 25, 2009
My latest batch of monologue jokes. Jimmy — call me!
- Breaking news: The economy still sucks. The Metropolitan Transportation Agency has decided to raise subway fares, and cut some service here in New York. Yeah, as part of the cutbacks, they’re going to stop piping in that delicious “old urine” smell, which is a real shame.
- HBO is prepping a movie about Bill and Hillary Clinton. Julianne Moore’s playing Hillary, and for Bill Clinton, they wanted to find the perfect man for the role, so they cast Ron Jeremy. The resemblance is striking.
- A British teenager painted a giant penis on the roof of his parents’ house, hoping it would be seen using Google Earth. But the teenager was, in fact, an even bigger dick.
- President Obama is taking questions from Internet surfers on WhiteHouse.gov. So far, the top questions are: “A/S/L?” and “Will you follow me on Twitter?”
- The Post Office today warned congress that they’re billions of dollars in debt, and could go completely bankrupt this year, or need to layoff thousands of postal workers. Yeah, because that’s just what we need: Thousands of disgruntled postal employees. What could possibly go wrong?
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Tags: Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, economy, Hillary Clinton, Internet, layoffs, New York, Postal Service, Ron Jeremy, subway, Twitter
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 12, 2009
- Yesterday on the show, we conducted The Twitter Experiment, where got a random audience member more than 20,000 followers on the website Twitter.com. As an added bonus, that audience member — Bryan Brinkman — got 100,000 nerd points. Which I think are worth something in Dungeons and Dragons.
- Bernie Madoff is now in jail, after pleading guilty to running a Ponzi scheme. He actually showed up to court today in a designer leather jacket and say “Aaay” a lot. Yeah, apparently he was trying to convince the judge he was running a Fonzie scheme.
- The International Space Station got dangerously close to some orbiting space junk. But I learned a new pick up line: “Hey baby… Want to get your International Space Station dangerously close to my space junk?”
- ER is getting closer to its final episode here on NBC, after four thousand seasons. They’re thinking of doing a spin-off now, without all the emergencies and stuff. Yeah, they’re just going to call it R.
- The Iraqi guy who threw a shoe at former President Bush was sentenced to three years in prison. You throw a shoe at him, they throw the book at you.
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Tags: Bernie Madoff, ER, Fonzie, George W. Bush, International Space Station, NBC, pickup lines, Twitter