Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 15, 2009
Posting from Blackberry at LAX. Forgive my brevity.
Elizabeth Hasselbeck was hit by a bike while attempting to hail a cab here in Manhattan. All of us here at Late Night want to say, we wish you well, hope you’re okay, and better luck next time. To the biker, I mean.
Tax protesters threw tea bags over the fence at the White House earlier today, marking the first time a US President has ever been teabagged. If you don’t get that joke, ask your kids. On second thought… Don’t.
Today is tax day. Interesting, under Barack Obama’s new tax plan, tomorrow is tax day too. I’m not sure exactly how that works, but it sounds bad.
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Tags: Elizabeth Hasselbeck, taxes, tea, White House
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 13, 2009
It’s my 31st day of writing jokes for Jimmy Fallon, and his 26th show. If only he were paying me for this. And using my jokes. And my hair were curlier.
- Legendary music producer Phil Spector has been found guilty… of looking WAY too much like Clay Aiken:
- Mel Gibson’s wife has filed for divorce. In the divorce filings, she blamed the Jews. That does seem like the Gibson way.
- The Obama family finally has the two dog that President Obama promised his daughters on the campaign trail. So, even though Hillary lost, there’s still a bitch in the White House.
- Porn star Marilyn Chambers died over the weekend in her California home. She is survived by her two, much younger breasts.
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Tags: Barack Obama, Clay Aiken, divorce, dogs, Hillary Clinton, Juadaism, Marilyn Chambers, Mel Gibson, Phil Spector, porn, White House
Posted by Lex Friedman on Apr 8, 2009
I’m almost adjusted to Mountain Time. Let’s rock this:
- The Obama administration is reportedly investigating “geoengineering,” the idea of fighting global warming by blowing cold air into the atmosphere. If they go ahead with the plan, it will mark the first time in more than 50 years that the White House has blown anything but hot air.
- Miley Cyrus wrote on her personal blog that she’s “a lot smarter than you think.” So apparently, she’s only very, very, very stupid. Nah, I’m just kidding — I LOVE Miley Cyrus. I mean, I will, in two years, when she’s legal.
- Visits to Las Vegas were down 8% in February. Damn! I had my money on 12%.
- The Jewish holiday of Passover starts tonight. It’s when the Jews eat unleavened bread, called matzah, and sit together for a long time because they’re what’s called “constipated.”
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Tags: Barack Obama, constipation, economy, gambling, global warming, Judaism, Las Vegas, matzah, Miley Cyrus, Passover, White House
Posted by Lex Friedman on Mar 31, 2009
The show is old enough to drink now! If you count days as years. And consider the show a human being subject to the laws of the United States.
Which I think we can all agree, we should do.
Anyway, I’m in LA this week, so the jokes will be posted a little later each day, and with a little less time for me to spend on them.
With that ringing endorsement, some joke ideas for tonight’s show:
- More than 100,000 former Christians in Britain have embraced their atheism by undergoing “de-Baptisms.” Let me just tell you, those ex-Christians have it a lot easier than the Jews.
- (Do I have to explain that one? I don’t want to force (skin) the issue.)
- The White House forced the CEO of GM to step down as part of its latest bailout. The ousted CEO will reportedly receive a $20 million severance package. THAT’LL teach him!
- A woman fired shots into the window of a Salt Lake City McDonald’s drive through after being told that they weren’t serving lunch yet. Apparently, the woman was just trying to order two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed GUN.
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Tags: atheists, Britain, Christians, economy, GM, Jews, McDonald's, White House